Raliced the Eighth

[Underdog]

Raliced,

Just checking in with you to see how things are going...

Hugs,
Betsey

[raliced]

Hey Betsey -

Thanks for checking in-

I've spent the week in upstate New York with my in-laws. It's been a pretty good visit. They have never really altered their behavior towards me (they actually got a little warmer) after BD. I'm sure it helps that I basically expedite most of their contact with their grandkids. Every morning when I leave my bedroom, STBX's high school senior portraits smile at me from the hallway. He looks like such an optimistic teenager in all of them and completely lacking in guile. Sort of bittersweet to see.

We didn't really discuss him much, but my MIL was able to tell me that OW is not moving in with STBX at his new digs (or at least that is what he told her). She also made the comment that she thought "he was finally coming to his senses at least in regards to what is better for the kids". STBX was the one who escorted D7 out here earlier in the month and it sounds like he had a good visit with his parents. It seems positive to me that he has re-established that relationship (it was definitely strained for the first months after BD). It's a step out of that weird self imposed affair cocoon he has been hiding in.

Anyway- In other news...I've had a fantastic boss at work who has been great throughout the last year. Unfortunately she can't get along with her own boss, and she gave notice earlier in the month. Today was her last day. She texted me throughout the week. It sounds like I will walk into a hornet's nest on Monday - Definitely a reorganization is afoot and at a minimum I think things like my hours will be watched much more closely (I'm salaried and my previous boss let me work short days when I had the girls and longer days when STBX had them to make up for it). I've intermittently looked for a new job since BD, but always decided the quality of life of my current job was worth it. Now that quality has basically evaporated over night and while I don't think anything will happen immediately - the department does not feel terribly secure. So...I spent the last half of the vacation sharpening the resume and applying to a pretty broad spectrum of jobs. Not really loving this additional source of stress right now.......

[Vanilla]

Is your old boss going anywhere you can follow?

I am just asking because in my field teams tend to move together and I have done a green field site move before. The new company likes it because they don't pay recruitment fees. I suspect knowing Raliced it's an avenue already explored.

Sounds like. WH is beginning to emerge.

V

[Underdog]

Too bad we can't convene in upstate NY in the near future. My D21 goes to school in wayyyy upstate NY and she's a senior. So I'm traveling. A lot.

This will be quick because I'm in a hornet's nest this morning as well. I don't especially appreciate starting my week off this way, but it's certainly providing an adrenaline rush.

Not really loving this additional source of stress right now.......

FWIW, I seem to attract a lot of change at once. It used to make me crazy, and I used to attempted to control it (the big problem to fix in therapy at the time--I look back and see it was like playing whack a mole at a carnival--you never win), but somewhere along this journey I realized that apparently, when I need to make changes, I need to make lots of them. While it's stressful, I will say that it does change my outlook on things, and I usually wind up thinking, "wish I made this change sooner". Though losing people to death is something I think you and I would definitely renegotiate, and nothing makes me feel better about losing people I love.

You've got your sh!t together, and you're a smart cookie. Somehow, I know you'll traverse this change with aplomb and wind up more successful than you can imagine.

Hugs,
Betsey

[raliced]

Update time-

Thanks V and Bets - the work situation doesn't seem to be as dire as I thought it might be. There will still be a lot of change coming and it may end up much better for me, or it may end badly. A new director is being hired with a mandate to "redesign" our program (and others)- but that should be at least a month out and no decisions will be made immediately so I have time to look around. Even if they automate more of the work that I do - I've steered them to be a top performer in the state in that program for the past 3 years so I am reasonably confident about future prospects.

Began life with STBX living at his new place this morning with our first D7 transfer since the move. He actually got out of bed after working past midnight to pick her up at 7 so that I could get to work on time- hasn't done anything like that in a year. And he's taking her to pick up her school bus pass - since I can't get to the office during their regular working hours. I didn't get any of that kind of help last year - so it does appear there will be some tangible benefits to his living closer. His emails have also been ever so slightly more conversational.

I guess now I will just have to sit back and observe what else is afoot. I don't know that I really trust my gut anymore - but it is telling me he's probably still somewhat entangled with the OW. Regardless - he seems to be moving out of the heavy affair phase, and at a minimum there is some geographical distance between them, so it will be interesting to see what kind of human being he becomes in the months to come....

[Mozza]

These recent changes are very interesting. From the last time, you seem to assume more trouble in paradise, right? Is this some sort of "I need space" kind of move, as far as you know? Or could it be something more work-related, or else perhaps? Or a first-step move for them back in your city? In any case, it sounds like a nice improvement for you and D7. Yay!

I'm glad that the changes at work seem more promising than they looked a week before. I'm not surprised. It is our nature to assume the worst. Hopefully this change can be seen as an opportunity for you, even in these days where your plate is full and a half.

[raliced]

Hey Mozza-

Oh how I wish I knew the answers to your questions regarding STBX's move. The girls just got back from a two day visit and it doesn't sound like OW was anywhere around. Without knowing anything about the status of their relationship, it certainly seems like he made the choice of his residence with the girls in mind. The apartment is very close to their schools and several parks. It's also not an place that he would have ever chosen for his own sake (because he works odd hours he has lots of sleeping issues and it is in an area where there would be a fair amount of noise and activity during the day). Also - it actually increases the amount of commuting he has to do (unless he is spending work nights with OW - which is certainly possible and will eventually become clear in time)

One last interesting thing occurred - he bent over backwards to arrange it so that I would have to drop off D7 at his new place after soccer practice - it certainly seemed like he wanted me to see where he lived - which is a pretty drastic change from the hiding out he was doing previously.

Just to be clear- I'm not doing cartwheels of joy over here. Even if he and OW are over and done with, I think he's a way off from being fully cooked. And frankly, given the nature of their relationship - I wouldn't be surprised if it ebbs and flows for a while. But overall, I think it's a positive development - if nothing else he seems to have decided to be more present in our lives and it really seems like he has stopped rationalizing how his lifestyle choice of living so far away was affecting the girls.

I'm perfectly content to patiently observe for awhile (and speculate while on these boards )

[Sotto]

Hi Raliced, that's interesting. It sounds as though he may be making decisions that are a little more family focused, which is good for the kids. As you say there could be 'trouble in paradise' but I also get the 'ebbs and flows' - there could well be some off. on. off stuff going on.

Getting on with your own life whilst patiently observing sounds like a pretty good plan to me. Without reading back, what's the status re D (without reading back)...is anything progressing in that area at all?

Take care....you're doing really well xx

[raliced]

So STBX has been back living in town for about a month now.

Still no sign of OW. I don’t want to ask my daughters directly if she’s around, but they haven’t mentioned her in that time.

STBX has been……nominally more helpful as a parent. He picked up D7 from her first day of school, preemptively picked up the school supply list and purchased all of it. He also gave me some additional cash for her school bus pass, again without my asking (I didn’t expect it either). Also asked me to move the schedule around a bit so that he would have the opportunity to volunteer in her classroom. Finally – he does seem to prefer my picking up the girls at his apartment rather than him driving them out to my house. It all sort of feels like he is establishing his turf and also planting a flag of “I will be more engaged in our daughter’s lives!” I’ll take it. I hope it lasts.

Some of the GAL seeds I have planted seem to blossoming. I started doing a lot of youth sports coaching last year. Last August when I first started coaching soccer, I didn’t even know the names of the positions. This year, I found myself writing a letter of explanation to the league president, that I really, really tried not to run the score up the last game – but it still ended up 10-2 (My team was so much better prepared than our opponents). It’s beginning to be a fairly common occurrence that I will be out grocery shopping and all of the sudden will hear a delighted squeal of “Coach Raliced!”, followed by a big hug from a girl I coached on one of my teams last year.

Started a new activity of going to the local cat rescue and taking nice pictures of the kitties with D7 for them to post on their website. Both GAL and a whole lot of feline love.

You know, when animals and kids like me, I feel like I am doing something right.

Sotto- (love the anagram) – I think the divorce is winding up but not quite finalized. It does seem to be dragging.

[Mozza]

Things seem to be going in the right direction, regardless of the outcome. It reminds me that we LBS have to keep our head high and act with grace and self-control, regardless of what the WAS do. Sooner or later, they'll have to return to their normal state and our behavior will only stand out more as being the right thing to do under difficult circumstances.

I hope Vanilla will stop by to give you a few GAL points. It sounds great and I'm inspired by your coaching of the soccer teams, given that you had no prior experience and it was a very tough time. I wish I could do half as much.