[quote=Wonka] So if he does something... like not wearing his wedding ring... this is hurtful and makes me panic. But if I were to detach, I wouldn't be hurt by it, not worried about it? Or just not react to it outwardly?
^^^^^^^
Exactly! Ideally you will not react either way. It may take some time and as been hardest part of DB for me. You cannot control that he chooses to not wear ring, so it is wasted energy to get upset or obsess about it. He also may be tring to get reaction from you/pick argument. It is REALLY hard though.
Yes, that is true. There could be many reasons for him doing it. I cannot control him doing it nor if/when he puts it back on. Going to keep "wasted energy" in my mind anytime I think about it. Maybe that will help.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Or even better switch to working on or thinking about you! What has worked well for me is wearing a rubber band and snapping it when I start to focus on the wrong things. This is thanks to Job. Not sure if she has posted in your thread yet.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Or even better switch to working on or thinking about you! What has worked well for me is wearing a rubber band and snapping it when I start to focus on the wrong things. This is thanks to Job. Not sure if she has posted in your thread yet.
Yes, I have started to do things for myself more, especially when I am feeling low... like baths, yoga, meditation (trying but it's hard!), reading helpful books, music, playing music, etc.
I will try the rubber band! Good idea.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
My H is concerned about me stabbing him in the back again... saying hurtful things about him behind his back. This is what he said-
"That is part of what I struggle with, I don't know if it's better to know about it so that I can get myself into thinking that I can keep you from doing it anymore. or if it would be better not to know about it and then have you continue to do it without me knowing.I know there are plenty of other people that you could have already told. and plenty of people that you could still be talking about me with."
So what can I say to this? I want to make sure I am saying the right thing that is supportive... I have already said too much that makes him get defensive or start attacking me again.
Here is what I was thinking- "I see what you are saying & I can see how that would be a difficult thing to figure out. I know I haven't been trustworthy so you cannot believe what I say. I don't really know the answer to this other than what I have already done & that is to say my accounts are open to you. But it is just like you told me with O if you really wanted to talk to her, you could figure out a way. So I guess this is the same. If I really wanted to continue to say hurtful things, I could still do it. So all I can say is that I want to do better, I want to be able to bring stuff to you in a healthy way instead of dealing with things in unhealthy ways, and I don't want to be the cause of your pain again. I don't have any answers other than that but am willing to do whatever I need to do to help you feel secure if you think of anything. "
Last edited by Cadet; 07/10/1501:08 PM.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Anyway, did he say this to you or write it in an email? In either case, I think your reply is way too long. But let's discuss based on how you will reply.
Anyway, did he say this to you or write it in an email? In either case, I think your reply is way too long. But let's discuss based on how you will reply.
Ooops! So sorry, I just copied & pasted from my draft email so I didn't even see that slip. I guess there is not a way for me to modify that post?
He wrote it in an email. So I should shorten my reply... but what should I toss? Or how should I change that?
Last edited by Cadet; 07/10/1501:09 PM.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
I mostly noticed because your timeline matches up a LOT with mine, and the name you had....struck a chord with me. Out of curiosity, is your H in the music field as well...?
As for the email, it may make more sense to approach him and discuss his concerns in a validating manner. I don't know that a long note is really that beneficial any vets out there with thoughts?
Okay, let me read through the validating sticky & see if I can come up with something more along those lines.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
This is all I would leave if I was just going to validate-
"I see what you are saying & I can see how that would be a difficult thing to figure out."
Should I not add something else to that? Maybe, "What can I do to help you feel better?"
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
