Matt777 Another successful day of not initiating contact. I did not text at all today. I did have to initiate contact once and that was when I stopped by his work to have him sign a check so I could pay the car insurance. When he got home I left right away to go drop mail off at post office. came home he asked if i was feeling alright? I had been crying not due to him but we are having some problems at work and they are downsizing and my director of Nursing said it was unsafe what they are trying to do and she walked out yesterday I found out today. Very upsetting as she has been there 20+ years and I have been there 8. Leaves us all up in the air and no one knows who else they will let go. It made for a very stressful sad day. I explained what happened and he said buck up buttercup it will all work out. he then asked me to decide what we were having for dinner i then let one of the kids decide. He told me I was a brat in a joking way. we hung out in the garage today and he asked if I was going to mopey all day. I suffer from major recurrent depression so going through all of this at work and at home is really wearing on me! I know happy happy happy but I had had enough today! I am proud of detatching. I know I have not done it perfect but I am off to a start. heck I used to text him all day and now I am not at all unless NEEDED. It has been a very silent few days but today he was a little more chatty! He left to go work in a shop in another town but waited until kids were in bed. He ASKED if he could go and if it was a problem!!!! He also asked if I wanted a hug before he left. SORRY MATT777 i did NOT decline it caught me off guard. I know these are not signs and I am sure we are still moving no where. but It made me feel good for him to start conversation ask me to help load tires, asked to go somewhere instead of telling me, and offered a hug. I need to get back on a sleep schedule and get my mood back up! GOAL for tomorrow: not be a friend ONLY for our trip to the fair/rodeo with just my daughter. no hand on his leg no flirting no relationship talk. you know that has been easier since i started not saying ILY and cuddling and ect. makes me sad to sleep on my side of the bed. o well the things you have to do.
Sounds like things you're doing may be having some effect. One thing is to try not to be mopey. You still want to be cheerful and upbeat when you see him. You just don't want to pursue. Difficult to do, but you can do it.
Yeah, this is certainly lonely. Thank goodness for everyone here!
I agree matt777 U are a great support and reading other threads and seeing ideas is great to! I feel like texting him this morning but I WONT! I almost feel like detaching is distancing for me but I can see some little changes so I need to keep going I fell asleep on the couch and when he got home he woke me up and asked if I was coming to bed when I didn't respond he asked again and when I came back he told me he got all the tires done I just said good! He kept talking about how great it was he got them done! That's a big thing to me because we used to talk every night when he came to bed and he started the conversation!
A few other things im struggling with!! Why if he says he loves her and people know they R together his mom from his family has he not introduced her to his mom he doesn't let her come to the house! I'm sure part of it is respect but as much as he tells me he wants me out he knows that would be a way to make me leave? I have also stated NONE of the kids can be around her until I do move out he seems to abide by this also even with his kids which he also knows I would leave over! It makes me think he is unsure of what he wants! They have been ea/pa for almost a year he will take her to public things/places but not around his family he has yet to tell either mom that we are split up and he is seeing someone else! Is this a good thing for me? Her divorce is not final yet and I know that could be part of it but his mom knows she is married and seeing her so why not let her meet his mom? When I sleep on couch why does he ask I come to bed? He is refusing sl with me which is fine it's just all confusing! I do wonder if I am as a disadvantage due to not having marriage vows or kids together?! I'm just unsure what to think about it all!
Last night went very well. When we got to the rodeo we all sat together. D8 and I realized my sister was there so I took her over to ride horses with my sister. When we got back there was no room to sit by him so we sat about 7 feet from him. Every time I looked over he was texting OW i assume as that is who he was texting the entire way there. Every time I looked over he would smile or wink at me. At intermission there was room so I went and sat by him. After the rodeo was over i assumed he would want to leave right away. Instead he suggested we go talk to my sister and let d8 see horse again. He then suggested we walk through all the animal barns. I was suprised. I did text him to ask if he was going to another race with us next week and he said yes again to my surprise. I figured he would say no and go with OW. on the way home he started a conversation about work and a co-worker also a mutual friend of ours. I kept it upbeat and light answering when i needed to and ect. I did not validate as there was really nothing to validate. Today I got another huge stressor handed to me my health insurance is going from 80$ a month to 300$ a month. I was very stressed when i got home so i laid on couch and fell asleep. when he came home he woke me up and asked why i was not in our bed sleeping. i decided he was right so i went back and laid down. he came back about 10 minutes later and said if i make sure he gets up in 30 minutes he would lay down with me. he asked me to scoot to his side of them bed and he laid on mine. he asked for a back rub and of course i did it. I know not what I should of done but it felt so nice for him to come lay with me. When we got up he informed me he was staying at a friends house so he could get up in the morning and go work at another friends house. I knew he was lying he was staying with a friend and so was the OW. I confronted him and told him he did not need to lie to me. I then lost my cool and told him I am tired of there being no responsibility in that relationship. I am tired of being here taking care of everything so he can go run around on the weekends. he informed me yet again he does not want to be with me and they are now "officially" together. I asked if he was ready to tell kids. he asked if i was ready to move out. I asked if she was ok with not being allowed around the kids or the house. he said for now she is. I just started bawling I cant take any more I am losing him, the only family I have, I now have insurance I can not afford and IF I wanted to leave I can not even do that because I can not live off of 700$ a month with a 500$ rent payment. I told him I just cant take anymore. I want to fight for this relationship but I do not understand his actions vs his words. Or the dynamics of his relationship with Ow. I can not figure out how he can say he isnt hidding her from anyone yet doesnt want to tell kids doesnt bring her to family stuff. How he can lay in bed with me and let me put my arm around him and hug me and let me live here if he doesnt want to be with me and is with her. What is going on with HIM. Please help me understand what is going on here. IS this relationship salvagable? I messed up now what do I do? My most important thing is needing advice on his behavior? Is this typical.they have been seeing eachother for a year now? Will OW continue to put up with this?
Last night went very well. When we got to the rodeo we all sat together. D8 and I realized my sister was there so I took her over to ride horses with my sister. When we got back there was no room to sit by him so we sat about 7 feet from him. Every time I looked over he was texting OW i assume as that is who he was texting the entire way there. how is this part of a night that went VERY WELL? Are you OK that he has an OW or not? Every time I looked over he would smile or wink at me. At intermission there was room so I went and sat by him. After the rodeo was over i assumed he would want to leave right away. Instead he suggested we go talk to my sister and let d8 see horse again. He then suggested we walk through all the animal barns. I was suprised. I did text him to ask if he was going to another race with us next week and he said yes again to my surprise. I figured he would say no and go with OW. Again, how are you OK with this? on the way home he started a conversation about work and a co-worker also a mutual friend of ours. I kept it upbeat and light answering when i needed to and ect. I did not validate as there was really nothing to validate. Today I got another huge stressor handed to me my health insurance is going from 80$ a month to 300$ a month. I was very stressed when i got home so i laid on couch and fell asleep. when he came home he woke me up and asked why i was not in our bed sleeping. i decided he was right so i went back and laid down. he came back about 10 minutes later and said if i make sure he gets up in 30 minutes he would lay down with me. he asked me to scoot to his side of them bed and he laid on mine. he asked for a back rub and of course i did it. I know not what I should of done but it felt so nice for him to come lay with me. what is your goal here? Physical closeness or a lasting relationship? When we got up he informed me he was staying at a friends house so he could get up in the morning and go work at another friends house. I knew he was lying he was staying with a friend and so was the OW. I confronted him and told him he did not need to lie to me. I then lost my cool and told him I am tired of there being no responsibility in that relationship. I am tired of being here taking care of everything so he can go run around on the weekends. what has been his penalty for doing this? What have you done to actually make him think it's not ok? He's been SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN FOR A YEAR and if he asks you for a back rub when you're already stressed out, you jump to give it to him! he informed me yet again he does not want to be with me and they are now "officially" together. I asked if he was ready to tell kids. he asked if i was ready to move out. I asked if she was ok with not being allowed around the kids or the house. he said for now she is. I just started bawling I cant take any more I am losing him, the only family I have, I now have insurance I can not afford and IF I wanted to leave I can not even do that because I can not live off of 700$ a month with a 500$ rent payment. I told him I just cant take anymore. I want to fight for this relationship but I do not understand his actions vs his words.what do you mean? He's getting to do whatever he wants. He has you there to console him, give him emotional support, help him with his hobbies, activities etc, take care of the kids, the house and he has an OW for all of the fun sex and relationship stuff Or the dynamics of his relationship with Ow. I can not figure out how he can say he isnt hidding her from anyone yet doesnt want to tell kids doesnt bring her to family stuff. How he can lay in bed with me and let me put my arm around him and hug me and let me live here if he doesnt want to be with me and is with her. What is going on with HIM. Please help me understand what is going on here. IS this relationship salvagable? yes! But not until you change the dynamics of it! You have to change YOU. What reason does he have to stop the affair? I messed up now what do I do? My most important thing is needing advice on his behavior? Is this typical.they have been seeing eachother for a year now? Will OW continue to put up with this?
It went well because it was pleasant and he was willing to go. Lately he has not done much with us at all including being home. I am absolutely NOT ok with OW. Im more than ready for her to leave this alone. I do see your point. It would have been Very well if she was not in the picture and if he DID NOT text her through out the night. I guess I looked at it the wrong way. More a lasting relationship. I think I got overly excited he just wanted to lay down next to me and spend time with me because I knew he would be going out with OW.For whatever reason I have no idea but I should start looking deep inside I feel like if there is still physical closeness it means he has not given up completely but I am not sure that is the truth or if i just tell myself it is. I need to completely detatch those jealous feelings and show him I can live without him even if I do not want to! HIS penalty HA nothing. I worked full time while he took out student loans and just went to school to finish up school. I take care of the kids, manage the money, help with housework support his racing hobby, watch kids while he hangs out with her. I am pretty sure i am still the "W" when it comes to the family bills and responsibility she is "gf" when he wants to have fun. Trust me I am running out of patients for it! I agree I should not have rubbed his back and felt instantly like he did not deserve it. He should have been comforting me. I am the one who is loosing 200 more dollars of a paycheck I/we cant afford to lose i am the one constantly wondering if I am the next one for them to let go of at work as they are laying people off, the stress of the money the kids ect. He TRULY DESERVES for me to walk away and never talk to him again but I love him and want to save this M and change myself. You are right I am the "W" durring the week and she is the fun one on the weekend for the sex relaxation no responsibility and fun. I take care of the responsibility. ALL OF IT. He doesnt even know the password to his CC or Bank account. Sad but true! He says he could live without me but I highly doubt it who would take care of everything. Sadly this R has always been this way. Cheating and me being responsible and hoping he would change. I now see hoping he will change does not work so now onto me and we will see if dynamics change then. Its always so good in the beginning. I am not sure how to give him consequences living together. I do not want to say I will not pick up/drop off or watch kids because the kids do not know we are not together. We have never sat down and told them. I have considered handing over the bills starting in August so he knows how much money he really does spend! I am also scared to tell him no as I fear that would be the total end. I feel like he controls everything the house we live in is his moms so he can make me leave anytime. All the vehicles are in his name so technically I do not own one. He always says I can have one he will sign it over but its cheaper to share insurance. He has good credit mine is BAD. It is a crappy feeling knowing it can all be taken away.I feel like i am at his mercy and he knows it. When I mentioned I could not move out due to not affording anything he said that was fine. It is like he is in no hurry to make me leave. I suppose that is good as it continues to buy me time. Maybe the insurance deal is a blessing in disguise. He has NO reason to stop the affair. I know it says you have to stand up and say to chose but I know for a fact if I actually did that he would chose her. He is very adament about not wanting to be with me and very adament that will never change. I am not sure if I should believe him or not?????? Matt777 could you help me with goal writting to start to change the dynamics? Most of the goals I wrote in my journal focus on the R I need to focus on me! Tonight I will make a list of all the things he complains about me AND the things I want to change FOR ME! I need to become a better person, partner and mommy! I also need to give him a reason to end this Affair he is having. Hopefully a year into it is not to late!
ALSO Thanks again for keeping me down to earth and giving me reality! It is exactly what I need because I always try to look at the positive and give him credit. He does not currently deserve credit! Thanks matt777 for sticking with me and helping me! I feel like you have been the most helpful and supportive person to my sitch for a long time! Thanks so much
