MLC SEPERATED AND NO CHANGE PART 3

[skhdive]

Cali I think you are right I think I have taken a step backward today. Time to regroup. Good call on the warm fuzzy I think I was testing the waters, hard not to when they throw a bone. What a needy mess I was today and I was doing so good. Grrrrrr. I had gone a month plus without doing that.

[skhdive]

lol H came over today and wanted me to look at a letter he got re his job and promotion etc... wanted my opinion. Last night he was so mad and angry that he left S early before I got home because he didn't want to see me. He does this when he is mad at me.

This morning he was like a shiny new penny. Nice etc oh wanting to help me get ready for our trip that he was so mad about yesterday. WTHeck? Geez.

I read on someone's post that they were going to eat popcorn and watch the show, me too.

[Cadet]

I read on someone's post that they were going to eat popcorn and watch the show, me too.

Thats actually "Job"'s favorite activity

[skhdive]

I like it. It actually helps it is like watching a movie sometimes in 3D and I am in it!!

It is so funny how they can be so angry one day and so nice and normal the next. H has been so helpful this morning but you never know what is around the bend.

Can't wait for vacation I am very excited to get on the road and have 9 days away it will be good for all of us I think.

[skhdive]

My S told me today he heard dad talking with a woman on the phone talking about his job and a movie etc. Having a real hard time keeping mouth shut tonight and not asking about R. I know it would be wrong to do so sobi came here instead. Help

[skhdive]

How do you know the difference between mlc and just a plain old affair

[job]

MLC is all about depression and confusion and they do things that are totally out of the ordinary. Affairs don't have confusion in the mix. Take some time out of your day and do a search on affairs and you will see that affairs do not have the same make up of MLC and the affairs that generally come along w/MLC.

[25yearsmlc]

Should I just let it die out I really want to ask what he sees for the future. Thoughts on this? Would it be too much pressure sometimes

I get sick of the kid gloves approach.

Hi skydive, I just got back from a trip so I missed a few weeks...and I'm not caught up but felt this was a good time to address something.


There are several reasons NOT to ask him about the relationship and where he thinks things are going. (Plus, dear, I do not think you have taken a "kid's glove" approach and I doubt he does either. You text him, you don't really sound relaxed around him, your GAL needs to increase a lot. From where I sit, you seem to be waiting for him to call or text, and you have expectations that sprout up at each interaction. Or, At least that's how I'm reading it).

As we've said before, there's no faster way to cool a relationship than by taking its temperature. So, please Stop taking the temperature of the R.


Moreover, this^^ would be about the WORST time to ask him, since you know he's already ticked off about the vacation. NEVER ask a WAS about the relationship when you are arguing or they are upset already. That's literally asking for trouble.

So, Why ask NOW?

Oh, b/c you are really just curious about OW and that's the real reason - yes?

But really think this out, (asking yourself"what is the goal of saying this??")

& you will realize that your goal will NOT be furthered by asking.

As for the OW, a few people around here urge LBSs to snoop and spy.

I'm not one of them.

I follow the DB philosophy and what MWD teaches (which is NOT to snoop and you can review her reasons for that if you like, b/c it's in the books)

and I do not see a reason to snoop. I see LOTS of reasons NOT to snoop and how it can backfire big time.

The only situation for snooping in my humble opinion, at least for me,

is when an affair would unquestionably end the marriage. Because then, and only then, would knowing of the affair make a difference to my course of action. Versus just causing me pain, but not changing my plans.


But let's say I know I have issues of my own to work on, regardless. I'd want to become the better choice. So I'd keep the focus on MY WORK and MYSELF and creating my own happiness and GAL, and I like to think I'd help save my marriage....

WHEREAS--
if I work to become my best AND I do that, and I'm at my best for real,

but EVEN THEN my h had an affair, then I'd leave the marriage

- b/c there's nothing for me to work on or do, to help us

and I could not live in an open marriage.

So yes, If I had no work of my own to do b/c I was already at my best as a partner, but for some reason I had suspicions, then and only then would I snoop to figure out if an affair was happening - and if so, I'd file. No turning back, boom, done.

But as long as I had work of my own to do, no, I would not snoop.

For ME, only if an affair was a total deal breaker, would I bother snooping and it wold only be a total deal breaker if I knew I was at my best as a wife.

I cannot tell you what to do or how to become your best self. Some men and women cannot tolerate an affair no matter how much they themselves know they'd failed their spouses. Some just say "no can do" and usually it stems from a childhood issue or perhaps they know they do not have it in themselves to forgive. And I am not passing judgement on them for that. In fact, I would urge you to file for divorce NOW if you know you won't ever get past this separation

and or, an affair. It'll eat at you and then you'll become a bitter angry woman and no one wins from that choice even if you do, somehow, remain legally married.

I CAN say that if you know down deep that an affair is not necessarily a deal breaker, then why snoop?

Why not work on you and only you, for now? Regardless of whether he's interested in OW or is actively in an affair with her, why not become the better choice?

If she's married too, chances are high that this will run its course and end anyhow.

Let's say that happens, just for the sake of discussion.

Let's say the affair ends for whatever reason and so, then, he reviews his options...

What do you want him to see, when he turns your way?

A bitter woman who has her arms crossed (literally & figuratively) b/c she is hurt and resentful, and b/c she does NOT Forgive,

OR

a woman he never should have left in the first place?

[25yearsmlc]

How do you know the difference between mlc and just a plain old affair

Perhaps you should ask yourself what difference it makes, to Your course of action.

And just so I know, why do you ask? Is it b/c you believe that if it's an MLC it means somehow, that he's more likely to return to the marriage? If you believe that, (I e that he's more likely to return) can you tell me why?

I can only tell you that I wasted a year of my life asking about MLC, a year I'll never get back. I did not have a "different route" if it was MLC, versus whatever else it might have been...but

It would have been a much better expenditure of my time to work on creating a better happier life for myself and my children, a year earlier.

Because when I finally stopped staring at and wondering what my h was doing or thinking or planning or feeling,

and instead put the focus where it belonged, = ME, it was the only thing that made me happy and feeling in control of my life

AND paradoxically, because it was not about getting a reaction from my h,

it was the trigger for his awakening. Maybe that's what it took for him to see that he was losing far more than I was losing, or maybe I was just happier and thus, more attractive to him,

or maybe he was going to wake up anyhow, eventually.

All I can say for sure is that when I put the focus of my life on MY LIFE

I became a happier, more content and more loving woman.

[25yearsmlc]

What is with H getting all mad because S and I are gong away for vacation over the 4th and leaving him as he says "with nothing"? He said we should go last year. He doesn't make plans with us. Did he mean maybe that he wouldn't see S over the 4th?

I am confused by this and H said today "I noticed you are already packing for your trip in 20 years you never did that you always waited until the last minute and now you start the year I don't go." I said I it was my staging area and I am not quite packed yet.

So he has noticed a change in you, that he feels is for the better? So why not validate that you can change and in fact, are changing?


Depending on how valid the claim is, and whether you care about it or not,

you could say a number of things, including:

"Yes well, it's probably about time I do"...

"Just goes to show you can learn something new after the age of X"

"H, if you want me to say that you were right, I will. B/c it turns out that packing ahead does lessen stress."

Make sure you wink or laugh or treat it lightly, so you don't seem heavy handed with it, and it may make it easier to say anyhow. Plus you do not want his comment to escalate into a fight.

If he notices other changes you can always use my favorite mantra

"if I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

That^^ shows change is possible. It also diffuses and keeps things from morphing into an argument or attack. And it doesn't make you a doormat.

As for the rest of the mind reading, we can't help you there. I'd remind you not to try so hard to understand the commentary, which changes anyhow.

IF & when he files for divorce

OR says he wants to reconcile,

you'll know.


Til then, please keep the focus back on YOU and your GAL. It sure makes this ordeal a lot more bearable. Trust me on that.