Thank you for all your help Matt , really appreciate this . You don't think she'll think I overdid it by taking down our pictures?
Overdid WHAT? She LEFT. she isn't going to think you aren't attached to her until you act like you aren't. Take the pictures down, put them up. It doesn't really matter. It's about what you want. Nothing you do for HER right now will have any kind of impact. If she decides she wants to R later, it isn't going to be because you put pictures of her up.
Originally Posted By: Aj8
Also with the MIL I didn't even bring up the divorce situation or that her daughter said I'll get the paperwork this week, in fact I didn't even bring up my wife nor did she . Is that good?
Thank you for all your help Matt , really appreciate this . You don't think she'll think I overdid it by taking down our pictures? I really did it for my sanity. Also with the MIL I didn't even bring up the divorce situation or that her daughter said I'll get the paperwork this week, in fact I didn't even bring up my wife nor did she . Is that good?
So what if she does think you overdid it? She's leaving you. Don't you think she overdid it not wanting to sit down and work things out? If she asks, just look at her and say "Really?"
If she pushes, say that "she is the one who has walked out and doesn't want to work on things, who wants to move on with her life without me. I'm respecting your wishes, but it is not easy for me, and the reminders of what she is leaving are not good for me right now. Just as I am respecting you doing what you need to take care of yourself, respect my doing what is necessary to take care of myself."
If she still is mad, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that. She is the one calling the shots, so she has no ground to stand on. If she is hurt or bothered by the consequences, that is a good thing. You aren't being mean or childish. I mean you could have drawn all sorts of nasty things on them, or put up photoshopped pictures of her in their place. See the difference?
And, definitely remove the bedside picture.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Also she took not only me off but my family and friends off of Facebook, should I take her friends and family off? Her bro , sis , and sis love me , but she blocked me! don't think it's right she can still through them see what I'm up to ?
Do you want to take them off Facebook? Make choices for YOU. Not for whether your wife might think one way or another. Who cares if she can see your stuff?
So, don't follow those people. You go into each of their pages and there is a following button. Change it to don't follow. There stuff won't appear on your feed. Your stuff will still appear on theirs. If you want to be more interactive, find an occasional time when you want to go visit their pages to like or comment on the posts you want.
Like Matt said, make choices that makes sense for you, rather than focus on what she will think or not. It is part of detaching & GAL that you focus on going on w/ your life. Just be careful that she will likely see things you post via the family commenting, so don't just spout off thinking you can do so with impunity.
Also, no reason you can't take long FB breaks. Sort of like going on a new diet. "I'll only have desert every three days instead of every day." Don't think in all or nothing.
You seem to be overly worried about making an impact on her, or sending her just the right message that will draw her back. Forget about that. It won't work and you'll drive yourself crazy. The only message that works is that you are taking care of yourself and not pursuing her right now, that you are going on with your life and will be happy. That is what makes you attractive. She'll notice, and hopefully figure out if that is something she wants in her life again at some point, or she won't. If the latter, you'll be so much further along the healing process. If the former, you'll be so much better prepared for working on the M with her.
Set a little reminder on your cell phone task list or a private appointment with an alarm that goes off every morning for the next week that says "Today I will focus on me!" Sounds silly, but those kind of reminders do help.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Aj...reality check time. We are all here for you. We are all in the same situation. Some have been a here two days, some 2 years. I'm not going to pretend to have the right answers. If I did, I wouldn't be here, I'd be on vacation with my wife and daughter, or sleeping in my marital bed.
But I do know one thing...the pain inside me has subsided to about 10%. The gutwrenching, horrible feeling you are feeling now, the scared little kid, the confusion, the lack of motivation, the desire to fix everything, change your W, stop the D talk...WILL go away. Whether it takes a week, a month, or a decade is up to YOU.
I was there, up until about 2 weeks ago. Then something changed - and all due to this forum, reading books, and talking to my IC. Mostly though, I made a committment to MYSELF to listen to what all these people around me had to say...my forum family, online experts, and my counselor.
The common thread from everyone is first and foremost, focus on YOU. Make decisions for YOU. Your W will make decisions for HER. Nothing you do - not what to eat, take down pictures, put up pictures, go out, sleep, go to church, join a gym, absolutely nothing should be for HER. This is about improving you and only you and making yourself "someone only a fool would leave".
I love my W dearly. I would do anything for her. I cry at night, I miss my daughter, I would trade my right arm to be back with my W. But there is not a chance in heck that I would even consider telling her any of that...not through my actions or my words...that, my friend is detaching.
Detaching is not treating her poorly, or showing her how much you DONT care, or ignoring her completely. Detaching is creating within YOU a frame of mind that you will be OK without her. It is establishing an emotional moat around your temple that does not let anyone who means you harm access. Right now, that is your W. You need to keep her out of your inner circle, only allowing her to see an external view that YOU control.
You need to be able to hear a song, see pictures, interact with people that remind you of her and come to terms with the fact that all of that is over and will not come back in the same form...but it happened and you are a better person because of it.
This inner strength comes from deep, deep soul searching, and from strength that you build up physically and emotionally. Acting with dignity and out of strength is attractive. Getting a life is attractive. Not being an emotional roller coaster, but rather a confident, energetic, stable individual is attractive.
Get yourself to a point where it doesn't matter if the pictures are up or down...either way you don't notice them...they are just...there.
Thanks guys so she texts me tonight again very cold tone says I better have the ring there for her to pick up or she'll get a lawyer and go after alimony and my condo in DC. I replied the ring will be there , just give me a heads up tomorrow so I can leave (she said she doesn't want me home when she comes to get more of her stuff and the ring). Mind you I never said I'm keeping the ring.
I wanted to tell her she can't threaten me to get my condo it was bought before our marriage , etc . But I coolly said the ring will be at the house for her to pick it up. She then said she's going to court tomorrow to fill out the divorce papers.
Her threats /coldness/rudeness have me baffled and now I'm pissed ....who is this woman??
Me:35 W:30 7 years together 11 months married No children W Left me-moved to her moms: June 2015 W filed for D: July 2015
Thanks guys so she texts me tonight again very cold tone says I better have the ring there for her to pick up or she'll get a lawyer and go after alimony and my condo in DC. I replied the ring will be there , just give me a heads up tomorrow so I can leave (she said she doesn't want me home when she comes to get more of her stuff and the ring). Mind you I never said I'm keeping the ring.
I wanted to tell her she can't threaten me to get my condo it was bought before our marriage , etc . But I coolly said the ring will be at the house for her to pick it up. She then said she's going to court tomorrow to fill out the divorce papers.
Her threats /coldness/rudeness have me baffled and now I'm pissed ....who is this woman??
Have you talked to a lawyer yet? Knowledge is power. There more you understand, the less her threats will impact you.
