seperated 4 months, its now 9 months, oh and om

[t33]

I don't know what I am doing anymore. I prayed last night for the pain to end, even if it meant not waking up. I had two dreams, and I gather from them that I dont want to give up, on myself or my m.
I had a good conversation with my d last night about us communicating and she said I was the best.
What is next for me now, staying friends with ww or nc, I dont know. I have done things for the wrong reasons this whole time, my w probably feels some of that. I dont want to live in fear anymore. I want to live, I know that, but this is my darkest hour.

Hang in there help67. I really feel where you're coming from. I get so lost in what I'm doing. I need to constantly rebalance. As bad as everything is, I don't want to give up. I struggle because it feels like that's what I'm showing based on the DB techniques, but if it works, I'll go there.

This is our darkest hour and I'm struggling to accept that things will get worse, much worse, before they get better. I don't see a light yet. But it has to be there.

There was something real about being friends with my w these last few months, it wasnt all about doing it to win her back. I dont know if it was real for her, and now that I know about the om, I am more confused and the pain is unbearable.

This is so difficult. I'm in the same boat. sandi2 has pointed out that this is just a way for her to cake eat. Can't have it both ways, and they'll continue to use and abuse while we let them because they get it all while we suffer. sandi2 told me that she's not my friend right now. All I want is my friend and wife back. But if pretending to be friends is a suckers game - we have to make things real to get back to a good place.

[help67]

One thing my w and I were bad at was communication, more my fault. So these last 9 months my communication has been all over the place, trying to get her to r, shutting down, and now friends. I dont think I can go back to shutting down. I dont know how long ea is going on, if and when it became pa. I dont know if she started out as a was or a ww.
My ww hasnt mentioned d or the seperation agreement in eleven weeks, but this could be because it benefits her at this point not to, she will have to pay me support.
We dont talk about serious things as far as d as far as how she is dealing.
The whole thing feels like tip-toeing in hell. I think I have to open up to her in some way. My sitch is the worst one as far as the ones I read. I feel like we could be on Dr. Phil at this point.
Time is my gift, for me to work on me, I get that. Is it in anyway a good sign that we have not been signed any paperwork yet even though it seemed like w wanted it done.
Do what works. I think the friend thing brought us closer, and when I filled out budget sheet 11 weeks ago she sees that I am not resisting the seperation agreement anymore. When she told me about om, I told her I want her to be happy, she said that was sweet.
So its 5 days since she told me about om, and we only emailed once about d camp info. She thinks I will avoid her now, she is not emailing me like she did before with silly, funny things. I have to communicate to her soon. Something has to give.

[sandi2]

Sandi, if your there, what do you think about what my coach says, should I try to keep and build on this friendship. Its good for my d, and when my ww wakes up, we will have that to build on or does it hurt my chances.

If this a Divorce Busting Coach that gave you this advice, I will respectfully disagree and bow out of your thread. Even if I don't agree, I will not publicly argue about it, b/c in earlier posts you got things that had been said mixed/confused. So, I trust the coach has all the facts and will lead you forward.

[shotgun]

You are not weak help67. God will give you strength to face the future as a father and a man. It is through your pain that you will find peace. The best thing about your darkest hour is the morning that will come with fresh air and new daylight. You are loved by your daughter and family and probably your wife. Live with the knowledge that you are becoming a new and better man in whom many will find joy!

[Vanilla]

Help,

You really need to follow your coach, you are paying him to advise you. The rest of us are peer to peer support for you.

Whatever path you decide, discuss it here and you have our views.


V

[help67]

So as my coach said, she thought I should tell my ww how much she hurt me when she told me about om last week, and that I believe and trust in her to do what is right. My coach thinks we should continue to build on the friendship we have built these last few months, she thinks it is also best for my d. I should also tell her how this was a wake up call for me, and that these changes are for me and my d regardless of the outcome for us. I mistakenly told her the changes were for me months ago, I have made many mistakes.
I dont know how long she is with om, if it is a pa of just ea. The sitch is crazy, om is in open marriage, my ww, om, d all take a tkd class together. They all hang with a group of friends and do other things together. I think my w feels accepted for who she is, but I feel she is being used, I know I made her feel that way too.
I guess I can start like this, and if I cant do it, I can then let her know at that point. I wish om was just a random guy, but they were friends first. Om is in open marriage, he is using my w, and I dont know if she cares or what, he fulfilks her deep emotional connection she wanted from me.

[help67]

V,

I just thought of something. I dont know when the affair started, as they were just friends to start. My w might have been a ww from the beginning or she may have been a was and then the affair started after she left, I think this may be important to know, do I ask her about a timeline somehow.
If she was wayward to start with, I think I should follow sandi, but if she started as a was and then became involved then I would follow coach advise.

[Joe46]

I am not sure if I should chime in here or not. I will be careful what I say. Help, as hard as this is, you are going to have to start taking the focus off your WW. I know it is hard. I read your posts and there is alot in there about the affair. What are you really going to get out of knowing a timeline. Does it matter? You can get something from listening to both your coach and sandi. You will get different views on things here sometimes. I was told to take what you can and use what is best for your situation.

[Vanilla]

Help

WW could have had her A 10 years ago or ten minutes ago. Joe is right, there is no 100% guaranteed strategy.

If you are not confident about what to do and feel conflicted then you are paying your coach, go back and discuss that with your coach.

At the moment you are undecided about what to do, discuss the two strategies and keep in your pocket the option of doing nothing.

Open the dialogue with your DB coach.

V

[help67]

I will discuss with coach on how to proceed. I have not had contact with ww since she told me about om 6 days ago other than one email regarding d. We had some contact almost every day for prior 3 months, but I didnt know about om.
I went to IC today, he feels I need to find whats ok with me and communicate that to my w, I am a mess. I dont know how people on here db so well, I cant seem to get out of my own way.
I am sober 9 months, and had some good conversations with d about our relationship and how I have acted, and how I am trying to change. I have to give myself credit for that. I like that and other behavioral changes I have made, but I am just scared.