V - I hope you enjoyed the opera. I thought of you last night. And Jim, thanks for stopping by. I do feel pretty good thanks. Not sure about remarkably good - but pretty good. I started to feel a bit over tired today, so I went to the poets talk with my friend and I'm now relaxing in front of the Wimbledon men's final - feet up, painted my nails. Good to relax. I'll make it to aqua aerobics later & then I'm working from home tomorrow.
Had an interesting visit to the medium. Less visitation from those passed, and more a talk about my life just now, some insight and things that may help. I enjoyed it and made myself a recording to play back. One of the big things we talked about is releasing anger and pain. I keep revisiting this area as I do worry I internalise things. I ask myself where is the balance between optimism and moving forward and working through and releasing some more difficult feelings. If anyone has any useful insight here, I'd welcome hearing from you.
Interestingly, the medium said she feels I'm probably in a much better place than H just now. She said that she doesn't always sense energy from partners, but she did from H. She had a sense of him being confused and frustrated. Searching and feeling that things are not turning out as he hoped. She also said she sees a new person in my life in around 18 months time. Not a great love, but a new companion. We'll see.
Nothing from H this weekend, since his nice email last week. I have now given him some potential reasons to file against me. I have given my financials to my L. There isn't anything else for me to just now. I'll sit back and see what unfolds on the marital front, moving foward with the rest of my life as usual. I do feel H has warmed up in recent months and he sounds as though he is feeling my loss more. Nonetheless, he is also moving towards filing and seems resolute in his wish to have a new family.
Time will tell - but I'm doing okay xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Working from home today and just taking a little break. I'll be in the office again tomorrow. Popped out to get some lunch and was mooching in the window of our volunteer bureau. Saw a little sign seeking someone to teach English to Monks from Thailand in a local monastery.....decided to register interest!!
For anyone in the UK seeking to volunteer as GAL, there are tons of opportunities on the do it website...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
He'll realise one day I'm sure, even if, incredibly unlikelely, he gets his new family. He knows now just the pull of the fantasy is to strong at the moment.
I think I've said before I left my GF of 9 years and even nearly 7 years later with everything else that happened since I always knew what I'd lost when I left and always felt tremendous remorse for the hurt I caused her.
On the anger front, have you tried to get angry? Like got a punch bag and made yourself think angry? I think that if you force yourself to try and release it you'll know if you're suppressing it but bare in mind I have zero expertise on this and when I connected with my anger I broke my foot
Good idea on the volunteering
Have a good evening!
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hiya Toots! I've been thinking about you the last few days. You have been an inspiration for me. And your words of advice rattle around my head with every interaction I have with H. What an interesting volunteer opportunity! Sounds like it could be a real adventure.
This may sound strange but I throw water balloons to release my anger. I fill up a bunch of water balloons, write words that reflect my anger on the balloons & then throw them as hard as I can at the fence in my backyard. By the time I'm done & have picked up all the pieces, I've let go of whatever had me spun up that day.
Take care!!
M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y S17,D13 D12 IC 11/2014 BD 4/16/15 H home 6/25/15 OW2 EA 6/26/15 MC started 7/22/15 Baby stepping....
Thanks for dropping by Tweets and V. Tweets, thanks so much! To have inspired someone else even a little is brilliant, and a nice silver lining in an otherwise yukky situation. V, your opera GAL sounded lovely. It rained here, so you were lucky I think!
I've been reading How to survive your H's midlife crisis......linked to another forum, which I don't post on. I did have a couple of peeks at it, but people seemed to do more spouse bashing on there, and didn't get called out on it like here. So, I didn't feel it was for me. The book is a worthwhile read I think. I've only read Conway on MLC, so it's good to read something by women who have experienced it. Interestingly, the H wanting a new family has cropped up as a symptom in there...
I'm doing okay. Had a busy day working away yesterday. I'm looking more at anger and releasing emotion. I did some primal screaming in the car yesterday which felt pretty good. I did feel a sense of release. I think for me, feelings do build and I just end up feeling keyed up without any particular cause, and it's releasing that I need to do.
Got the gas man coming this morning, then I'll pop and see the parents and yoga tonight. Hope you are all doing well. xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Toots Your sound mostly upbeat. I did smile when reading about the primal Screaming !!! I visualised you in traffic !!! With a terrified 2 year old peering in amazement at you from an adjacent car !!!!!
MLC or bat sh1t crazy , either one could be your H. My L/C has talks of x years of marriage and then one spouce makes a terrible mistake or goes through an MLC and the other spouce has to be there for the MLCer. My L/C tells me that sometimes the MLCer can back themselves into a mental corner where their only path is to continue down the self destruct route
Your H appears to be this type to me Toots He openly admits your grest , your the one for him but then tells you he's looking for some fantasy life like hes mids twenty or early thirties and starting a family !!!!!
For me he's deep in the fog looking for a magic bullet type cure He has a long road ahead and not.a pleasant one Toots has a broken heart but it will heal with enough time 18 months for a new love Something to look forward to and who knows maybe H will be emerging from his fog about that time. I hoe for his sake he is
I see you are doing very well. The truth is that as much as we prepare ourselves, to endure the death of a M is something out of this world. It's a horrible pain that at times feels it won't go away ever.
I figured it will be just time that will allow the healing. So, Toots is doing all what is humanly possible to get herself in a better place.
Your H is really going nuts, but that is only the outsiders like you, maybe his friends and us seeing this. I believe that in his mind there is no place for questioning at this point. He made a decision and really thinks that he is doing the right move.
We are all not very sure about him accomplishing his next goal of building a family at this point on in his life. It's almost like he fails and give himself excuses to rebuild.
It's quite amazing how things work on the brain once your chemicals are not well balanced. The perception of life in general changes and so is the dynamic of finding comfort for the deep sorrow that emerges once you get depressed.
Your H has failed W1, his child, and now W2. There is no guarantees that his next R will work and much less building a family. But he needs to dream, set goals and perspectives because he wants to do something right, and at this point in his life he is able to blame others for his own failures and deceptions.
In the midst of his regrets and guilt, he looks for a new horizon and once in a while reality sets him back looking at what he is throwing away. This causes him more pain, because he needs to look at himself and that's the one thing he really does not want to do right now.
He surrounds himself with new, and avoid the confrontation with his own demons. There is just so much you can do to avoid your gaps, fears, insecurities, failures. Eventually it will all wear off and he will find himself in self pity. Then some reality will start hitting him hard and that's when we say that the fog will be lifted.
When it will happen vary from person to person, but it will happen and he will just count his regrets. At that time, Toots will be there or not, waiting for him or even available to listen. No one knows, and that will be the time he will do the grieving you are doing now.
Toots, regarding your anger, it is hard for people that bottle up. It's the way you learned to deal with anger probably since very little. There are techniques used to easy the effects of anger and you can try some of them to see what work best for yourself.
I feel that understanding what our S are going through and even recognizing their self destruction and loneliness is the first step to ease the anger. Accepting that you are better off alone right now and not in a empty R is another way of seeing things.
Sometimes a good cry can do the trick. Although DB is a way to save your marriage, it also have a pressure pan effect. The LBS needs to endure a lot in order to do what it takes to try to get the job done.
I think that the point is to look at yourself and have a self pity party, let go of the super woman, take the make up off, cry out loud, drink another glass of wine, cut one of his picture in a million pieces, say you hate him for all what he is doing.
I would say you can have a "Chick Fit" alone or with a friend beside you, but let go... think about spring cleaning and let it all out. You will feel better and will feel that way for awhile again, until the pan is full of pressure again and need to be realized so it does not explode and make a huge mess.
This is just my 0.2 cents. And I understand realizing anger is different for everyone, you just need to find the way works better for yourself.
Toots you are a gorgeous person and is growing into a even better one. Be proud of yourself and allow time to heal all the wounds. It is a hard time just right now, but it won't last forever, after a big storm, there is a rainbow and the son will shine again.
