Tomorrow is the Day, LOL. Expecting a text from H about the money transfer… I’m glad he’s been so consistent with this.
^^^ This is wonderful! Being thankful for the good things in our life will bring us peace and contentment... and help carry us through the rough times.
Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
So, I am contemplating to send him another reply thanking him again. But something (maybe common reason) stops me from doing this. Just want to hear some opinions about this. Yes, I know I’m overthinking this again. But, this is what I feel, which contradicts with what I logically think. I think I’m confused. If I reply, it could make it too apologetic on my side. If I don’t reply, it could look like I’m a b!tch who doesn’t care about his plans (which is actually true, LOL)
You have a good heart, Bright.
You guys don't correspond much, so I would not make a special reply about it. After all, you did already thank him. But thanking him again at your next regularly scheduled text episode would be appropriate. Everyone likes to receive thanks!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks LiveNow and FY! I ended up not sending any reply back.
FY, I’m very grateful that H is not a monster MLCer, in spite of what he did was very hurtful and still is.
I’ve been having feeling a great deal of anxiety, and then some moments of depression. I’ve trying to keep doing things, keep going… But, sometimes I feel that I have an insurmountable task ahead of me.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Bright- like many others, post BD I trolled the forum for a while before I began to post. I regret it! I thought I was learning so much from reading of others' situations and I did, but by not posting I also missed many introspective opportunities. It is amazing to be able to go back and re-read.
You got this!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Found out today that H contacted our other friends from the vacation home regarding Labor Day weekend. These are the people I stayed with a few weeks ago on my vacation. They let him stay at their vacation home place a few times before, when I was at the condo at the same time. This time they refused to let him stay, saying that they don’t allow people to stay at their house without them being there any longer. This is interesting. They were always so accommodating to everyone.
So, my first reaction after learning about this… I feel so guilty that I’m putting H in this situation. I was almost ready to change my plans and not go to the vacation home. I feel sorry for H that he has to ask people for favors. I’m just surprised that he is not able to find any other option over there, after him bragging about how many friends he has over there. What about that crazy woman house? Well, I suppose she will have her kids (who are at college in the city where I live) spending the weekend with the parents. Still, would not she had a place for him, especially when she is so involved in his life, LOL?
I felt so unsettled the whole afternoon after these news. I’ve been trying to identify the root cause of these feelings. Do I truly feel guilty and sorry for H (he got rejected, I know how it feels), or am I scarred that he is going to come back to me and say that he will not let me stay at the condo because he cannot find the accommodations for himself, hence I’m fearing rejection. Or, is it that this situation tells me that I need to re-evaluate the condo situation as a whole. Am I too selfish to still wanting to go there? Do I need to back off and let H live his life without me interfering? I think it all comes down to feeling sorry for H. Does he feel that I’m holding him hostage in this? By still using the condo and showing at the place where his friends are? I feel like I am a bad person. And I still don’t understand why H hasn’t cut that cord yet and didn’t ask me to remove my stuff from the condo and find a different arrangements. He’s been playing nice for whatever reason. And I feel guilty.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Bright, as you say above - does the situation tell you that you need to evaluate the condo situation as a whole....
Many of your posts are about the condo - who is there and when, friends and the impact on them. Is it because it is the primary link that remains with your H just now?
If you were to re-evaluate the condo, what would the options be do you think?
S xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hey Sotto, thanks for stopping by. Yes, the condo and all that surrounds it (mortgage, friends, etc.) is the biggest link, besides the business that we still own together. This vacation place has been a very convenient emotional outlet for me, where I was able to relax, spend some time with my friends, etc. I went there because I needed to disrupt my every day routine here, get a bit unstuck. I love that place, I love going to the sea with my dog, I love collecting clams… I felt pretty good over there in terms of being able to do my own things without crossing path with some of the H’s friends, except our mutual friends of course.
I think part of this was also feeling this connection to H. And also, the familiarity and convenience. I was not very willing to go to this place myself before BD. I overcame the fear of traveling alone, which I’m very proud of. But, it is mostly about this place. I’m still very hesitant to go somewhere new without a companion. So, the thought that I will not be able to go to the vacation home and stay at the condo is very upsetting.
By “re-evaluate” the condo situation I mean a couple of things. First, if I don’t feel comfortable there anymore (this crazy woman in my face, H wanting to redecorate and make it look like His place, bringing an ow over there), then maybe I need to stop going there. This would mean not seeing my friends who live there and the once who come for the vacations. Second, if I decide to not use the condo anymore, I will probably need to file for D or separation. This would be the only way to divide the assets. This could mean losing the condo all together. I doubt that H will be able to refi it on his name. Plus there are lots of complications when it comes to paper work, since the property is in a foreign country.
Maybe I’m overcomplicating the whole thing. Sorry for being boring again. I’ve been trying really hard to express my feelings and thoughts. Not sure if I succeeded.
Have a great weekend everybody.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, You are trying to figure out what is going on you h's head and you can't because he doesn't know what he wants either. Redecorating the condo is something that he may think will make him feel better. Why? Because it will change things up for him, but this won't help w/his depression either. They want things to change and they will do everything humanly possible to make those changes happen, but at the end of the day, nothing will work.
Now, about his friends not accommodating him during the Labor Day Weekend...that's on them. It's their home and if they don't want to extend an invite to him, that's their business. Maybe something has happened that they aren't in agreement with. Maybe they don't like the behavior your h is exhibiting right now...but again, that's between them and it's not your problem to worry about. They will work it out when the time is right. You shouldn't feel guilty about using the condo that weekend.
BTW, I also agree w/ForeverYoung...don't change a thing and do not contact him regarding the condo. Leave it be. If he gets in a pinch, he'll contact you about it.
Keep your focus on you and your family. Focus on the things that you do have control over and let the rest of the stuff go.
Correction to the first line in the first paragraph:
"You are trying to figure out what is going on in your h's head...."
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
FY, what do you mean by this? Do you mean to see what he does about it himself?
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
This is the perfect opportunity to get a better glimpse of where your H is right now.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
DON"T change a thing or contact him regarding it. Let him come to you and see what he says.
Originally Posted By: job
BTW, I also agree w/ForeverYoung...don't change a thing and do not contact him regarding the condo. Leave it be. If he gets in a pinch, he'll contact you about it.
FY, Job, thanks for this. I didn’t say anything to him so far.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
^^^My opinion only... batteries not included, action figures sold separately.
Hahaha, I would not mind the batteries coming with this… It would mean that I could hear these words over and over again, LOL.
Job, I found out about the friends who would not let him use their house. It is not about him. They started doing this with everyone asking for accommodations. I know H offered to pay for the utilities, but it is not about that. They just don’t want to let anyone to stay there, period. Whatever reason they have for that. Who knows…
As for the condo redecoration, I think he wants to do it so he could start brining women (his dates) there. Right now it has my signature there too, even though we decorated it together.
A couple of not so pleasant updates. According to the CC chargers, H drove to that state again, where this woman (potential ow) lives. He is either very desperate to get this woman or hates the place he works at right now (which is actually very likely). The drive is about 7 hours one way.
I got into a heated discussion with my sister and her H on Saturday. They were telling me again what I need to do and how to live my life. The discussion started with me mentioning that I don’t know what to do with the storage shed I have in the backyard. The bottom part of it is rotting and falling apart. H built that shed himself. So, now I have to deal with it. My sister started telling me that I need to get rid of it, then that I need to clean my garage, because I start looking like my Mom with all that sh!t accumulating, and that H is not going to come back EVER to fix the things. And that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and finally divorce him, and I need to do blah, blah, blah… I just shared my concerns about the storage shed, I don’t think I was even sounding like a victim. But… maybe I did. In any case, I really didn’t appreciate this attack on me again, so I told them that I didn’t want to hear this anymore, got up and walked out.
So, maybe now I’m not even going to be invited for dinners anymore. I’ve lost another one of my support group. So, this site is the only thing left for me to vent and share.
On the positive side, I did 4 mile run on Sunday. With my BIL, H’s brother (who actually didn’t run, but joined us over there), and a couple of his friends (one them is also my friends on FB.) The only sad thing about this was that I learnt that my BIL split with his GF (the one that H didn’t like and said that she would not last long), who lived with him. She was moving out this past weekend. The reason my BIL gave me - that he just was not happy anymore… Sounds familiar..? They were together for almost 2 years.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
