[Lifes Twists]

Bright,

you should know by now that you have to take the advice from friends and family with a grain of salt. They are all well meaning , but will be biased towards you. Only you can hear whats in your heart and follow it. So take care in listening to their advice.

Regarding the vacation home. I agree its time to move on. If you keep going their expecting a different result then ask your self what the definition of insanity is.

get away from as much of the shred things as you can and get some distance from the H. Keep the business relationship as just that. Dont put any effort into cultivating anything more right now. Let things ride and be true to yourself and concentrate on you right now.

[dejavu2]

Bright - I wish I could offer you additional great advice; but you have already received so much. I can offer you kindness and support. You are a wonderful person and it hurts to feel the rejection and indifference from someone who was/is such an important part of your life. Focus on you and continue to move forward.

[haunted]

Bright, I have wondered how they can turn feelings off just like that too. My husband went to madly in love to his feelings and him not loving me went away the day he left. I wish I could turn mine off that easy.

[123Gwen]

Bright - you have been unbelievably strong for quite a while now. I admire how you've been so gracious to your H.

I think you already know the answers to the questions you've been pondering. Change is a scary thing but you can make the leap. Create a respite away from the ghosts of your past. You are worthy and you are ready. Honestly, letting go and making a clean break is the ultimate 180. A DBusting move that would earn a thumbs up from MWD.

So shine on Bright and be brave. Your future is waiting

[BrightFuture]

I’m back from the vacation home. Took my GF to the airport this morning and went to work. I want to acknowledge everyone who posted to me and I will come back and reply to everyone tomorrow. I promise. I value all your comments so much… Thank you all… You mean a world to me…

I just didn’t have time to post much. I was at work, then came home and my sister was here, because she didn’t want to go home after her night shift (Mom issue…), so I spent some time with her, talking… and then I had to reply to the requests from the folks from that company I do a consulting job for, outside of my regular job. I’m tired… I hope I have some time tomorrow.

[BrightFuture]

Heather, you are so right about all of this:

I can't imagine going and spending time there, meeting his friends and seeing him in that environment. That would be a vacation in hell for me.

You can't continue to subject yourself to his insanity and, especially, his crazy woman friend. Sounds like she is influencing him the way OW women do. She is a predator and her following you to the bathroom and such indicates a really sick person.

you could find yourself another vacation home where you could actually relax and detox from all of this. He seems to be heading deeper into the tunnel for now.

It was not a vacation that I planned, that’s for sure. I still love that place and I’m usually fine and enjoying myself when H is not there. I guess I will start looking for another option for the vacation place (even though it is not that easy for a single woman and in Mexico), especially if my mutual friends are gone.

Job, thanks for the great advice. Like I said, I will start considering other places to go or stay. I’m feeling a lot better, since I’m back to my house. This crazy woman doesn’t even bother me now. You might be actually right on the money here about their strange friendship. I got the same impression this time too.
I think the talk about the D was inspired by my mutual friend telling him to keep that woman away from me and not let her come to the condo until he gets full ownership of it. I think H’s response was inspired by anger, like “how dare you tell me that my friends are bad people”.

I like your comment about him hoping that I would file, but you would not do that, if you were me. I have the same opinion. I will let him do the work. Filing on our anniversary date will only make him a bigger @ss.

Your words about the love they have for us and the fear of abandonment… Interesting… I was just thinking about this. And coincidentally, my GF also gave me her opinion that maybe H became so insecure and afraid that I would abandon him that he decided to do it first. This is not the first (or second) time I hear this opinion.


uR, thanks so much for stopping by. Everything you said makes so much sense.

The truth is that hurting people hurt people.

This is so true.

Bright, I really think that you need to do something different. I think the place to start is the vacation home. I know that part of why you hold onto it is to have some connection to him, but that keeps you stuck.

I just think that having any kind of contact with him hurts you right now.

All that stuff that happens at the vacation home doesn't serve you well. Find a new place. A place that is just yours. Make new memories.

Yes. Yes. And Yes! I see that now. I’m pretty stubborn and I have a hard time giving up. But… I think I need to do it.

You are not a loser by any means. You love deeply and truly. Nothing wrong with that, B. Makes you very special.


But it's time to love him enough to let him go and more importantly, to love yourself enough, too.

Thank you. I feel that I can do that, love him enough to let him go completely. I’m just afraid that I will slide back into desperation, like I did so many time before. Reading your posts (and everybody else’s) helps me to stay focused.

Life Twists, thanks for reminding me about relatives’ and friends’ opinions. Funny, that H used to use the same expression about the definition of insanity. The distance between me and H is huge right now. I don’t know how I can make it even bigger. You are right about the vacation home though.

Dejavu2, thanks for the kind words and for your support.

Haunted, I hear you. I’m still waiting for the moment when I can turn my feeling off this easy…

Bright - you have been unbelievably strong for quite a while now. I admire how you've been so gracious to your H.

Gwen, thank you for this. I need to hear it once in a while, to truly believe that I can make it and be ok. And the 180… Yes, it would be 180 for me, not H. Thanks for your post, it is very inspiring!

Again, thanks everyone for stopping by and giving me your support. It means a lot to me!

[BrightFuture]

I had some time to re-process all that happened at the vacation home during the long weekend and also re-read all the posts to me. I feel that something has shifted in me. I know I said that before… I just hope that this time it will last longer…

I feel like I don’t care anymore about H re-decorating the vacation home. I don’t care if that crazy woman is going to help him or do it for him. If I go there again, I will just treat it as a free rental place. This is convenient for me. Until H tells me that I cannot stay there anymore (I dare him, LOL.), then I will then find another place.

I will handle the business as usual with H while it is working for ME.

I will not file for D (unless I will need and want to do it for ME.) I will wait for him to do that. I’m prepared (I think), and I don’t dwell on the date. I actually doubt that he will have a nerve to file it or notify me on our anniversary.

I feel good about my life right now. I actually feel a bit of a power. Ironically, thanks to that crazy woman. I thought about our brief conversations and her comments and I can see that she is kind of trying to compete with me. I don’t even know why, but I have a very strong feeling about that, like she thinks that I’ve got it all together, if this makes sense. I actually kind of grateful that she is there for H, in case he is sick or something… She is so willing to help and do things for H. He has no family there, and with my mutual friends leaving (maybe), at least he will have her. I’m thinking that it will not last forever (I mean her interest in him)… But… for some time, he’s got somebody looking after him.

I think he is not happy and still looking for that magic thing in his life that would make him happy. I think he is looking in the wrong places…

In spite of some hurt feelings I experienced at the vacation home, learning the news, etc., I think that trip was beneficial for me. I had somewhat close interaction with H. I saw the anger, I saw a different H (not the H I fallen in love with), I had some reality check… I can’t really explain it well enough… I think that I’m very close to acceptance that H is gone… I can’t wait for the feeling of freedom from all of what happened in the last 3+ years. Is there such a thing? Am I kidding myself? I know that I’ve read multiple stories how this happens in LBS’s life. I’m looking forward to it.

And just for the heck of it, some update…

On the 15th of the month… Haven’t heard from H. I was thinking that he was still angry at me for coming to the vacation home on Labor Day weekend, and that he might have been trying to make some point… My thoughts were “whatever”, if he doesn’t transfer money, I can pay and then figure it out later. So, next morning I received a text from him at 6:30 am, saying that he was “a day late”, but he transferred the money to my account. I replied with “no problem and thank you”.

A couple of days ago I received an envelope for him from DMV. I was surprised because his car registration was due in July and I know for sure that I mailed him the notice back in May or June. His other vehicles are not registered in my state. I opened the envelope and it was a notice of delinquent renewal for his car. I scanned the notice and e-mailed him today, telling him that I sent him an original notice in May or June and asked him if he didn’t receive it.

Got an e-mail back… I think he was p!ssed. The e-mail started with an “f” word. Then he said that when he loaned the car to his friends from vacation home (not our mutual friends) to drive to Florida, he gave them the renewal notice and the check. They were supposed to do the Smog test and then send it to DMV along with the check for registration renewal. He then said that “They either dropped the ball or another case of lost in the mail room.” And then “Thanks for sending this.”

Soooo… I suppose having friends and relaying on them for his business can be tricky sometimes… The only person who didn’t "drop the ball" on him so far happens to be me... At least this is what I think, LOL.

Oh, and he forwarded my e-mail to these friends when he asked them if they mailed the Smog test and the check to DMV. I thought he would try to hide the fact that I’m still doing “stuff’ for him. Maybe he was too upset to even think about it.

Sorry for the long post again. Have a great weekend, everyone!

[BrightFuture]

Hello there, fellow DBers. I feel like I might be posting to myself again though , since there is not much to report.

I’ve been busy for the last couple of weeks, working overtime, plus this side gig that I have. I was so exhausted by the end of last week that I was falling asleep in front of my computer, reading updates, etc. The exhaustion was also coming from the emotional stress that I had while my Mom was here. I and my sister drove her to the airport last weekend. She was supposed to leave in the middle of the week, but the airlines cancelled her connecting flight. After some negotiations with the airlines (which low budget, small airline with not much credibility), some heated arguments (my Mom could not decide what was the best choice for her ticket change and wanted us to decide for her), then some tears on my Mom’s part (which made my sister and I feel guilty again), we secured the tickets. She had to stay for another 3 days. So, all that made a toll on my emotional state and also made me very tired.

The life still goes on though. I went to a concert last Sunday with a group of friends (all ladies.) On Friday I went for dinner with a bunch of other friends to celebrate one of the B-days. I’m invited to another B-day party this week too.

It’s been quite on H’s part. I learnt that he’s been at the vacation home for the last week, and going to be there even longer. Not sure if he has no work, or just taking time off.

Here is where I have some concerns. My son stopped by yesterday to pick up his mail. I asked him if he expected some important mail or needed anything from me. He said that he just wanted to stop by and that he was around the neighborhood. I thought that it was kind of interesting, because normally he would have some other purpose to stop by, not just to see me. So we talked and he told me that he, his GF and maybe their friend are going to the vacation home this weekend. He said that H invited them. There is going to be an off-road event again. I said that it is great and they will enjoy their time there.

Well, here is what bothering me here. I’m absolutely happy that my son and H are going to spend some time together. But, I had a feeling that my son came to see me so he could tell me about the trip. Was he looking for my approval? Or, looking at my reaction? This makes me think that I’m not very clear at communicating to my son that I’m OK with him having a relationship with H. I don’t know, is this what it’s about?

I also feel that my son really wants this relationship, but maybe feels guilty about it. After all, I asked him just last week if they (him and his GF) had any plans to go to the vacation home, and he told me that they didn’t. He is working full time and taking 3 classes at school, which are high level classes and not the easy once. He is already missing some hours from work, which means he is making less money. So, for him to take Friday off to go to the vacation home is a big decision. He must really want it.

I’m not even thinking about H’s motives here. He is reaching out to my son, that’s for sure. Is he bored, or is it a genuine desire to connect? I just don’t want my son to be hurt. He is an adult, but I would still feel terrible if he is hurt.

So far, I only expressed my support for any interruption between my son and H. But, I’m thinking that it might not be enough. Maybe I need to talk to my son to clear the air and let him know that I will always be happy for him having a relationship with his step Dad. I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive here.

On another note, discovered that the woman H brought to my city for the weekend run back in July and the one he was making the long trips to, is no longer friends with him on FB. I wonder what happened there. Just curios. I was pretty much settled with the thought that she might be an actual ow. It doesn’t bother me one way or another. I think I’m just too tired, physically and emotionally. I don’t care.

[job]

Bright,
I think you should have a conversation w/your son about his relationship w/his step father. He may feel a bit uneasy being in the middle, even though he's grown. I do think he wanted to come by and tell you that he was going to the vacation home for the weekend because he knows he had told you something different a while back.

As for your h and the ow, they may have just been friends or fXXk buddies. Keep in mind, when they are acting out, they can have a number of partners or can settle down w/one. It's okay to be curious, but I think you need to stop looking at his FB page for a while. I think it does bother in in some ways and it keeps you off balance just a bit.

I'm also glad to read that your mother has returned home. I'm sure it was an emotional time for you.

Just because there is nothing going on in your life w/regards to your h, that doesn't mean you can't come here and post about you, your life and what you hope to accomplish in the coming months. We like to see posters come here and post about themselves because that lets us know that you are healing and doing okay.

Bright, you are going to be just fine. It does take time to heal.

[BrightFuture]

Job, thanks for your post. You are always here for me.

Job, I think I didn’t explain it well enough about potential ow. I’m curious what happened there, so they are not friends on FB anymore. Did she de-friend him or he did it? And what kind of circumstances could lead to this? Knowing H, I think that it had to be a major fall out on her part for him to de-friend her. So, I’m thinking it must be her initiative. Maybe he got too obnoxious in pursuing her, LOL. I don’t see her as a fXXk buddy, I think she too nice and decent for that. It might be that H wanted her as a fXXk buddy (or at least coming out like that, even if the intentions were more than that), and she got offended. This is probably the most likely scenario.

About my son… Yes, I have pretty strong feelings that my son was looking for my validation. He is his GF came for dinner tonight, but I didn’t talk to him about H, because his GF was here. I will ask him to stop by in a couple of days, before they go to the vacation home and I can bring the subject then. I even have an excuse why he needs to stop by.

Yesterday I’ve got a package for H, from his doctor. Some of you probably remember my posts about these packages with Viagra medication from last year. I haven’t received the packages for some time. I think H got them mailed to other addresses, either the state he was working at or PO box in the border town, so he could pick them up while he stayed at the vacation home last winter.

Anyway, whatever the reason was for this package to arrive at my house this time, I don’t know. I think he still has my address in his VA file. So, when I got the package I laughed (sarcastically, LOL), thinking that H got his V medication delivered to my address again. So, I picked inside the package (there is little hole on the side) and read the medication name on the bottle. It is antidepressant. Yes, I could not believe my eyes … H, who criticized his sister and other people taking antidepressants and saying that he would never do that, is taking the medication for depression.

I guess life is not as fun and full of excitement as H hoped it would be. I guess the drinking was not enough to fix the issues. He is now on meds. OMG! Aside from sarcasm, I feel so sad and sorry for him.

These two things (meds and H’s reaching out to my son) made me think… I can almost predict what kind of replies I will get after posting this… But… I’m going to ask anyway… Especially that my sitch has been “dead” for some time and now I have a little bit of "development" (at least I think I do)… Here it goes… Is H transitioning into another phase of MLC? Is he now experiencing some depression? I don’t see any withdrawal signs, but I don’t have much knowledge about what’s going on with him. Plus, he would be the one to mask his depression and try to deal with it by partying more and harder… And inviting my son for this weekend… Are these the first signs of reconnection with family and kids, etc.?

Don’t get me wrong. I ‘m not getting my hopes up. Or, maybe I do… The hopes that H is finally moving into something else… That he is not going to be stuck in a replay phase forever… I might not be there when and if he comes out of his MLC, but it would be sad to see him being miserable for the rest of his life. I guess I’m in a compassionate mood today .

Well, this was meant to be a short update...