So should I also skip the U? You are right he did not answer any of my questions. ended up with a however lol. HE is making dinner tonight. He grills not me. I was trying to get out do you want me to lay patties out when i get home or something else. Maybe I can be more direct??? I did slip a little tonight. As soon as he got home I went to our room and laid down he got on the computer. He came back and i was resting he smacked my butt in a friendly way and asked why i was so tired. he sat on the edge of the bed so i moved away. then i slipped and asked if he wanted to rest with me. he said idk. he ended up laying down and i put my arm over his stomach and he shoved my arm away i asked what the problem was and put my arm back. *bad bad bad I know! he threw his legs over mine while he was on his back and i was on my side. i then remembered my "job" and rolled the other way. It is like he doesnt want me to touch him. He is pushing me away After the show he nudged me and told me to get up stop being a bum. I got up went to store to get chips and he started grilling. I guess the mixed signals is he came and laid down with me and threw his legs over me but shoved my arm off him but when i put it back said nothing more about it? Can you help me understand why all the mixed things. I mean a week ago he wanted me out could care less and today he comes and lays down with me....why am i getting so many mixed messages?? any other advice about the situation that happened. or what i said last night starting with TRUTH?
So should I also skip the U? You are right he did not answer any of my questions. ended up with a however lol. HE is making dinner tonight. He grills not me. I was trying to get out do you want me to lay patties out when i get home or something else. Maybe I can be more direct???
Yeah. I would have left of the "u?". Try not to ask too many questions. You want him to ask you the questions. You have to stop pursuing him!
Originally Posted By: 4mykid
I did slip a little tonight. As soon as he got home I went to our room and laid down he got on the computer. He came back and i was resting he smacked my butt in a friendly way and asked why i was so tired. he sat on the edge of the bed so i moved away. then i slipped and asked if he wanted to rest with me. he said idk. he ended up laying down and i put my arm over his stomach and he shoved my arm away i asked what the problem was and put my arm back. *bad bad bad I know! he threw his legs over mine while he was on his back and i was on my side. i then remembered my "job" and rolled the other way. It is like he doesnt want me to touch him. He is pushing me away After the show he nudged me and told me to get up stop being a bum. I got up went to store to get chips and he started grilling. I guess the mixed signals is he came and laid down with me and threw his legs over me but shoved my arm off him but when i put it back said nothing more about it? Can you help me understand why all the mixed things. I mean a week ago he wanted me out could care less and today he comes and lays down with me....why am i getting so many mixed messages?? any other advice about the situation that happened. or what i said last night starting with TRUTH?
You need to be strong and consistent with your actions. YOU CANT OUT NICE OR OUT SEX THE OW. You just can't. I think you need to stop getting into positions for cuddling and touching. You need to READ the boundary thread and figure out what boundaries you need to set. In my opinion, you're letting him do whatever he wants still. That may get him to stay for a while, but I don't think it's going to get you a real relationship together for the long haul....you don't want to be his plan B. You don't want to be his back burner option. Right?
hmmmm. You are right I guess I just feel rude if he asks how my day is not asking him how his day was. but i do see what you are saying. As for keeping myself out of these situations I am not sure how to do that I will read the boundaries thread. It is hard when i sit somewhere and he just sits down or lays down beside me and uses me as a foot rest. I did stay on my own side of the bed last night. I NEED help understanding why he seems to enjoy/not care that I am not asking for hugs, cuddling, texting him, asking to spend time together, ect. He doestnt seem to care if i dont talk to him text him ask to spend time ect. It makes me very sad.
Matt777 thanks for sticking with me i greatly appreciate it! It has been pretty silent around here lately. we used to talk all the time when i initiated conversation and asked for hugs. he hasnt hugged me in several days. Its very hurtful. Why as i put distance is he also distancing? conversation today went H: i switched over laundry it should be dry. can you fill out my papers and send them (child care assistance) have a great day with the girls and at swim lessons. M: we will we are cleaning laundry i will get papers done but will need your pay stub from tomorrow so they dont send it back. You have a great day also.
M: need your hourly wage and work phone number H: replies with info only.
The reason he asked me to fill out paperwork is due to my controlling tendencies i have always done all of that stuff. to keep my finger on everything. I want to for sure change that about myself. I do not need to know everything and have my finger on everything. I want to have a shared responsibility. I am really struggling with this lack of communication and distance. why is he distancing and enjoying it??? I will say he made dinner last night and he NEVER sets my plate but last night he did pour me milk and set everyones place including mine. It was very different. It also bothers me as i sit outside around the time he comes home and we used to talk now he just asks whats up i answer ask how his day was he answers and then walks inside as if he doesnt want to talk. I am sooooo confused
I NEED help understanding why he seems to enjoy/not care that I am not asking for hugs, cuddling, texting him, asking to spend time together, ect. He doestnt seem to care if i dont talk to him text him ask to spend time ect. It makes me very sad.
Because he isn't in a place to want that right now. He's said he is done with the relationship with you. So all you can do right now is give him that space. He can't miss you if you are always there. Nothing will change until the dynamic of the relationship changes. And it won't happen overnight. It's taken you 13 years to get to this point - it won't change completely in 13 hours. Slow, measured change.
This is the analogy I think about for the pursuer/distancer. Imagine you're on a walk with him and he is walking three steps ahead of you. You spend that whole walk chasing after him. So how do you get him to pursue you? The only thing you can do is stop walking. Then what....for the next few seconds/minutes, it looks like he is getting farther away, right? That's where you are now - you've maybe slowed down your pace some. But if you stop, eventually, he may turn around. And if you're stopped, he might come back to see what's going on. Now what does it look like...? It looks like hes pursuing you, right?
So that's what I keep in my mind. Stop walking. Yeah, our spouses will get farther away for a time. But the only chance we have of them coming after us is if they turn around and see that we aren't still right behind them.
Makes sense. I am glad you posted that because I was starting to doubt what I was doing! For the first time since our huge blow up he just asked me IF he could go to the neighbors/also his best friends. i said do whatever. He said well is it ok or no! I said yes. (im going to bed anyways and i need to give him spacee) so proud of myself. Also today my dad called he was at bar/restruant a few blocks from my house and offered me free tickets to fair events wednesday through sunday for free. I was not interested in wednessday event but i did take tickets for thursday friday no kids so me day Saturday D8 wanted to go watch H race so skipped those but i will take her racing and sunday got tickets. I got 3 for all of us as his kids are not with us this weekend. I asked him if he wanted to go as they are things we both like to do and i will be taking my daughter so kid involvement. he said sure. then his cousin called with tickets to a concert on sunday he asked if it was this sunday we had tickets i said yes but they were free so go ahead and go to concert. that is a 180 for me because i would have normally gotten upset said we already had plans and tried to force him to go and then when he said no i just wouldnt go. but not this time he can go ahead and i will still take daughter so I can GAL! heck all this being gone from home and not feeling like i can't/dont want to ect do anything is kind of nice. I should have kept my life!
one site question too. I am trying to read a lot of threads so I can look at different thoughts. i am a reading junky! how can i mark them as read or can I? so I am not re-reading I like to hear others stories they are inspirational? thanks matt777 for all your help and support You definatly make me think about the hard questions and keep me motivated to work harder! Tomorrow I will post a new goal so you can see if i am on the right track!
one site question too. I am trying to read a lot of threads so I can look at different thoughts. i am a reading junky! how can i mark them as read or can I? so I am not re-reading I like to hear others stories they are inspirational? thanks matt777 for all your help and support You definatly make me think about the hard questions and keep me motivated to work harder! Tomorrow I will post a new goal so you can see if i am on the right track!
In the left of the thread title there are yellow or white folders. The yellow ones have new posts since you last checked them.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
After the show he nudged me and told me to get up stop being a bum. I got up went to store to get chips and he started grilling. I guess the mixed signals is he came and laid down with me and threw his legs over me but shoved my arm off him but when i put it back said nothing more about it? Can you help me understand why all the mixed things. I mean a week ago he wanted me out could care less and today he comes and lays down with me....why am i getting so many mixed messages?? any other advice about the situation that happened. or what i said last night starting with TRUTH?