Do you think the WAS will be attracted to someone who wouldn't move on with their life and would just stay and wait till they came back to them? Is that attractive? When you move on with your life, when you show them that you value your life just as much as you valued there life, it shows them you're a strong, confident person - those are attractive traits. When you stop holding on to them and let go and move on with your life and whatever that brings you including possibly dating new people, it shows the WAS that you are no longer a backup plan or option in their eyes, if you stay behind and wait for them to come back to you, they will always know that they can take their time coming back if they even want to come back, you give them the power of choice over your life, again not attractive. When you remove yourself as an option in their life, they don't have that choice anymore, you've taken back control of your life which is attractive because think about the qualities you're displaying with this action: confident, secure, ambitious, taking a leadership role in your life again, etc. You're not the backup plan anymore for them, the WAS is then faced with the reality that you aren't there waiting anymore, you're moving on with your life, and if their new relationship isn't working out and they were considering coming back, this generates fear of loss on their part and makes them reconsider their current actions.
That's DB'ing.
What isn't DB'ing?
Hanging in there, writing long letters & emails, text message "terrorism" (where you text them non stop), begging, pleading, grovelling for love, giving them books and articles and telling them they should feel different and they should love you, telling them that they took marriage vows and they have to stick it out even if the marriage is horrible in their point of view, moving out of the master bedroom, moving out of the home to "give them space", being sad and acting depressed, etc. etc. etc.
None of these things is attractive, none of these things is going to bring your WAS back home.
Is the method that I'm describing fool proof, NO. Is it 100% successful, NO. You show me any divorce busting method that is 100% successful all the time, it doesn't exist.
Some relationships can't be fixed for whatever reason, the other person may be at a point in their life where they really want something new & different regardless of how shortsighted that point of view may be.
But they moved on with their life. They had an affair and found someone new. And how did you respond when they did these things? You started working on yourself to show them that you could change, on top of that maybe you started working out and buying new clothes to make yourself look more attractive physically. You started getting a life to show them that you're an attractive individual with options in your life. You did all these things when they moved on and chose to end the relationship. You did all these things because they moved on. They discovered they had options and when a person has options they become more attractive to other people. When a WAS leaves their marriage and starts dating other people, maybe having an affair with someone new and starts a new relationship all the while knowing that they have you in the background should they decide to ever come back, they know they have options. That makes them attractive to you because you were busting your butt trying to get them back and then trying different techniques to get their attention, etc.
In my opinion, why not try doing some of the same things the WAS does, it certainly works on you and every other LBS on these forums so there seems to be a common effect being displayed here. The person who leaves makes the decision to leave on their own. When you originally started seeing each other and dating, you BOTH chose to do that, you would BOTH choose to go out to restaurants, movies, parks, do activities together, etc. When you considered getting married, you BOTH chose to do this and planned out how it would happen. When a person leaves a marriage to pursue other people, dating, have an affair, etc. THEY are making the CHOICE on their own, they aren't making that choice with you. They are taking all the power in the relationship and choosing to do what they want and the LBS is left behind powerless. How do you change that dynamic? How do you reclaim some of the power in the relationship? How do you make a WAS reconsider their actions?
FKAF, for what it's worth, in my own situation, things only turned around when I took back control of my life and took back the power in the relationship. I tried everything else. I moved out of the master bedroom and then the home because she asked me to because she wanted "space", I wrote letters, emails, shared my feelings, showed my wife how vulnerable I was, I begged her to go to counseling, I was needy, insecure, wussy like, bought gifts and generally jumped through every f!@#$%* hoop there was to show my wife that I loved her and wanted her back. When the WAS has that much control in a relationship, they will never be attracted to the LBS and they will never be motivated to come back. Marriage vows are just words and when a WAS has that thought process in place and "runs the show", the only thing you can do is to shake up their reality. In the end this is what is working in my situation and I'm the one now that has the hard time wanting her back after this whole process, that's the danger of detachment, I reclaimed my life back, my eyes are open now, and I'm not sure I want someone like that back in my life who would have done all these things to me, my wife now wants me to go to counseling, she wants to move back home, she talks to me everyday: in person, by text, by email, she does favors for me, she is sorry and is starting to show remorse for her actions, she wants me to forget the past and wants us to move on to a "great new" relationship for us and our family, she tells me that "people make mistakes", she tells me that she "held her family and friends in higher priority than her husband and that she knows now that is wrong".
She didn't see any of these issues as problems when she originally dropped the "bomb". She was content to live on planet "fruitopia" while she was in control and living a great life. When I hit rock bottom, reached my personal threshold of tolerance and that switch inside me finally flicked on and said "she's never going to change and she's hurting me and she knows it and still doesn't care, why am I still jumping through all these hoops to get her back?", that's when I moved back home and experienced "batshitcrazy" (and it was an experience), I slept in my bed in the master bedroom and packed all her things and told her that I wanted her to move out, instead of taking the custody scheduled she so generously gave me, I got lawyers involved and got shared joint custody, I became more active in my own life, I made her responsible for her own life (the term around here is "she can wear her big girl panties"), she was basically living an easy life on my dime, what would prompt her to change that if she was allowed to cake eat for as long as she wanted and I was feeding her that cake? A free ride compliments of me and I realized that and I didn't want that anymore so I decided things would change.
But that's just me, that's where I am right now. Life is really good and it's good because I know now that I'm responsible for living a great life and for a long time during the unhappy portion of our marriage I was miserable and taken for granted and I never took care of myself.
Now I have options, now I won't settle and my wife knows that. Yes I'm a bit of a hard a$$ as well as being a smart a$$, I'm working towards that middle ground for me. I'm a great dad and I make sure my kids have a great life, they didn't ask for this situation and although a part of me wants to give them their family back I can't just be married for the kids, I got married for me first and I want a great relationship and my wife is in personal counseling right now for herself and she's making real changes in her life and I just want to be sure that before I re-enter married life again if that's what I choose to do, it's for the right reasons and that a relationship will be loving, caring, fun, enjoyable and maintainable because regardless of what anyone says, marriage is hard work and I don't care if that doesn't sexy, that's reality. Married people get lazy with each other and take each other for granted, you have to consciously treat each other better, you have to make time for dating which means getting a sitter for the kids, you have to put excitement in the mix, you have to travel, you have to do things together but also make sure you maintain a personal individual life as well.
How's that for a verbose long winded post ;-)
I hope it helped a little.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
We had a late MC session yesterday. I had posted before about the intense anger my W is dealing with, and in turn dumping on, me. The last few days have been hell, with her alternating between spew, self-pity, tears, screaming, and rhetoric so predictable that I can almost handle both sides of the argument myself. She was writing her anger letter to me, as directed by our C, and her anger just continued to bubble up. During one of these meltdowns she admitted she was still in love with OM.
Last night things had deteriorated into a screaming match which ended when I left to go for a drive. I had been gone for a few minutes when she called me to see when or if I was coming home. I pulled up to find her sitting on the porch. She got in the car and we drove to a secluded spot so we could talk privately (I like to call it our “makeout spot”).
By then we had both cooled down and we were talking calmly. I finally just laid it out. I told her that her actions basically told me that I didn’t matter. Even after all these months and all that work I was still running a distant second place to OM. That's not good enough for me; I needed a two-way relationship; someone who was willing to give back and it was obvious she wasn’t. If that was the case, that was OK, but it meant I needed to move on. I told her we needed to get our finances figured out and I was going to find a new place to live ASAP.
She took it calmly enough. This wasn’t an angry discussion; ironically enough we were holding hands at the time.
Then a very strange thing happened.
As the words came out I started to feel this intense relief. I was sad, but I felt strangely lighter. To make it even more strange, a couple of minutes later my W said that she was feeling the tension lift; that she was strangely relaxed. I wasn’t sure how to take that; I guess I hoped she’d be more upset. I can’t tell if she was relieved that I finally made a decision for her, or if some emotional dam was breaking. We had some of the best conversation we have had in a long time. She asked me if we could live with this relaxed state for a while. I'm not sure what she means by that.
She did ask me, “what if we make a mistake?” “What if we figure out afterwards that we really miss each other?” I just told her that I she started to feel that way to give me a call. If I’m in the right place in life at that time then we can talk. I’m open to R of course, but it’s got to be real. She has to decide she has room for me in her life.
I didn't tell her these things to test her or manipulate her. I've really reached my breaking point. This cannot go on. It crossed my mind that maybe this will be the jolt she needs to wake her up. Maybe so...I hope so, but that wasn't my motivation.
No specifics about moving yet; we haven’t gotten that far in our discussion. I’ll keep posting
Last edited by NH115; 07/09/1502:32 AM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Interesting. I must say that you are a much tougher person than I am, hanging in all this time and working on you. I continue to pray for you and your situation and keep you in my positive thoughts and prayers. Hang in there, my friend, and take care of YOU!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
NH - I just wanted to say that I think I understand this relief that you feel. When whats been bottled up for so long gets released, there is finally relief, not even necessarily action, just some relief - and she just may be feeling the same way.
Originally Posted By: NH115
She asked me if we could live with this relaxed state for a while. I'm not sure what she means by that.
To me, and I've seen this in my world, this may be saying, ok I understand, but I would sure like to keep the brakes on this move - let's ignore all of that for now and calm down - Oh hello elephant.
Hang in there NH - I am rooting for you - this may not been your initial goal, but you have to be good to yourself.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
I think you should move out....but it's your call. It is time for W to put on her BGP and see what life truly looks like without you around. I don't think W has really hit rock bottom. There's some entitlement in the mix and you don't need to be around that chit.
NH - I just wanted to say that I think I understand this relief that you feel. When whats been bottled up for so long gets released, there is finally relief, not even necessarily action, just some relief - and she just may be feeling the same way.
Originally Posted By: NH115
She asked me if we could live with this relaxed state for a while. I'm not sure what she means by that.
To me, and I've seen this in my world, this may be saying, ok I understand, but I would sure like to keep the brakes on this move - let's ignore all of that for now and calm down - Oh hello elephant.
Hang in there NH - I am rooting for you - this may not been your initial goal, but you have to be good to yourself.
I think you're right U-turn. She has not directly mentioned me moving out since, but she was talking this morning all over again about how she wants to feel connected to me but can't, and doesn't know how. It wasn't angry spew, but it was the same BS script over and over again.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
