I really appreciate all the kind words and support. My brain litteraly can't wrap around my situation. I don't know how she can do this. Utes we may not have had the best marriage but knowing where I fell short I would do anything to make it an amazing marriage now. When I tell her this all she says is "I don't want you anymore" and ILYBINILWY... It hurts. I miss her so much.
I want her to be happy. She says she was never fully happy with me and she has been happier the last 8 months than all 18 years together. It pains me that I didn't make her happy. That I failed as a husband.
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
You have to stop hinging on every word she says. Think of her as a teenager going through full rebellion. She's going to lash out at you asuch as possible. She knows how to hurt you and she WILL. Let her rewrite your marriage in her head right now...you know it's bullshit.
You have to stop hinging on every word she says. Think of her as a teenager going through full rebellion. She's going to lash out at you asuch as possible. She knows how to hurt you and she WILL. Let her rewrite your marriage in her head right now...you know it's bullshit.
Thinking of you buddy. Stay strong.
I know exactly what you are saying. The question is why? Why does this happen?our kids have compared her to a teenager. Everyone sees it. What happened to my smart, beautiful woman?
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
Sorry Prowl, it doesn't matter why. This isn't a puzzle any of us can solve. We all spent the first few months after BD doing just that.
If I could only have used the right set of words in that email, or TM'ed with the right emoticon, she would have woken up from her insanity and come running back to me... It doesn't work that way.
It's hard to hear, but once it sinks in it helps - this isn't about her now. Every dollar of mental energy you spend trying to figure her out, is one less dollar you have to invest in yourself.
And guess what? Only when your portfolio is full will she think about coming back to you. Right now it's empty and you're giving your money away. Trust me, I did the exact same thing.
Start figuring you out and put the pain and passion you have around your situation to your own healing.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
My W is now addicted to Facebook. She texts incessantly. She said something was "cray cray" the other day. (Teenager speak for crazy).
I was actually enjoying seeing her turn into a needy teenager for awhile. It seems to have subsided a little, but it still rears it's ugly head sometimes.
She's in a fantasy world. My IC compared it to acting out a role on stage. Eventually the curtain comes down.
Just take this time to be an adult. Be the lighthouse. Do the responsible things and let her make the teenage mistakes that she will eventually regret and apologize for.
Prowl, we've all heard those words. We've all known that we were now able to be the husband our Ws said they wanted. The more we tried, the further they ran. It seems totally illogical, until you look at it through the purser-distancer dynamic that is at play. Anything you do to pursue will cause her to distance. That includes trying to save your M at this point in time. Read that last one again: at this point in time. We've all had to learn the hard way that the best thing at such a time is a strategic withdrawal with all the dignity and calm we can muster.
We detach, let her go, put on our best face, and show her that we are strong enough to make a good life for ourselves and respect her wishes. This catches her off guard. At some point, she starts thinking and watching what you'll do next. Now you put your DBing plan into place. There is not guarantee, as a lot depends on things like MLC and how badly she is hurting and willing to run for seeming quick fixes rather than face up to her problems. But she is watching. You give her the space, GAL, work on you, fix your issues and be consistent in respecting the things you know are important changes that absolutely must take place that do not require her participation, and you wait patiently.
On those changes that don't require her participation, that means that you can't prove to her now that you will be more affectionate, demonstrative, emotionally open, etc. Those are changes you will have a chance to show her if & when she comes back to the table. DBing is an attempt to get her to come back to the table and really make an effort to build a new M with her. Then, you can do all those wonderful things in a prudent, slow, consistent manner so as to regain her trust and not drive her away.
Then you may not see her ride off into the sunset. See how that works. Hard as h*ll to do, but that is the way you help her with her pain and save the love.
In the meantime, get some help. Get into therapy. Consider the medical interventions I mentioned earlier. Turn to whatever support network you have. Focus on your life outside the marriage for the time being. Live apart if you need to and can't stand watching the spectacle. By all means, focus on your kids.
Live to fight another day. For you and your family.
Good luck.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I know exactly what you are saying. The question is why? Why does this happen? Our kids have compared her to a teenager. Everyone sees it. What happened to my smart, beautiful woman?
Hi Prowl,
I have the exact same questions you have about your W regarding my W. My IC said something very similar to what Matt posted earlier today: "Think of her as a teenager going through full rebellion. She's going to lash out at you as much as possible."
Most likely, your W is doing this to test you and/or because she feels guilty about the situation so she lashes out at you to make things appear it's all your fault. When there is an issue between 2 people, it is never 100% 1 person's fault. All on this board know that, yet when your wayward spouse spews their lies, it's more important than ever to keep that in mind. It helps me get through many rough times.
Hang in there, please. The door hasn't completely shut on you yet.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
Your friend,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Well no word from her in 24 hours. She was pushing hard on Sunday for a response on wether or not to put the house up for sale. She knows I don't want to sell the house but it's practically the only thing (besides the kids) keeping us attached. Once the house is sold there really is nothing left to fight about. All the furniture and small items have been talked about and agreed upon.
I layed around the apartment all day yesterday and thought about all the times I wasn't a great husband. I did a lot of things wrong and if given another chance I would do them so differently now. I don't tell that to family or friends because I always get the same response "Now you can carry that into your next relationship".
Am I normal? Why can' I just accept the fact that maybe our marriage had an expiration date? We did argue a lot. We probably had more bad times than good. In my minds eye I can only see the good times while she sees the bad. But if I am completely honest with myself we had a lot of bad times. I've just never been one to easily let go. I don't want the kind of life a divorce brings. Plus I am scared I will be alone. A lot of my life right now is being run by fear.
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
I've just never been one to easily let go. I don't want the kind of life a divorce brings. Plus I am scared I will be alone. A lot of my life right now is being run by fear.
Prowl we have all been right where you are. I don't think I have ever broken off a relationship in my whole life. Something I have thought a great deal about. Why am I like that? What makes me want to hold on to something that may be broken. Divorce is just a piece of paper. Are you afraid of a piece of paper?
Let me just say that their is a lot of life for you still to live!
You need to be the lighthouse for your kids! You need to set an example for them, to be the BEST DAD that you can be.
