Hi Prowl. One of the reasons my ex ended our relationship was because I told him I had considered taking a bottle of sleeping pills to end the pain of my depression. It was the last straw for him. I thought by sharing my suicidal thoughts with him, he finally understand how much pain I was in with the depression.
So many of us get the feelings and the thoughts you describe. I probably more than most get the introvert nature and the desire to be connected and not knowing how to make that happen. Like you I struggled as a child, adolescent and young adult with making and keeping friendships. I didn't know how they worked and were maintained. The people who came into my life I became attached to me very strongly and very quickly and when they left my life for whatever reason, I was left devastated, on one occasion resulting in a suicide attempt age 21.
The loss or change in any relationship for me sends me into a tail spin of self doubt, negative self talk and deep feelings of abandonment and rejection. These feelings have brought me here.
Like me Prowl this is your work, this is why you are here! Your pain and your lack of self worth and shame make your doubt you're worth loving, make you feel that your life is not worth living. I have spent 20 years running from myself, looking at suicide as an option. My mantra through life was to give everything a try to make life better, but if it turns to sh*t, I can always kill myself.
In recent years and even months, and from many special people here (Zues and lady V, and U-turn and Zelda and Gan.), who took the time to ask me my story and to tell me that my story and who I am is as valuable as anyone else here on the board. I have learned that I have place in this world, no matter how small or quiet it might be I have a place.
Prowl you have a place, the most important place is that just being you is enough, then being a father. I had a father who abandoned me emotionally and its legacy is far reaching. So far reaching that it plays it self out in every thought of suicide I have had in my life. please do not leave that legacy for your children. You may not have your wife for right now and you may not have the life you want right now, and you may be scared about the future and what it looks like, but you have the love of your children and the support and love of your DB friends. Please let that be enough for this one day. Tomorrow we will find a few more reasons to remain hopeful about a life worth living.
I hope this helps! I am here, I have your back, find me on my thread. I will be coming by regularly for an update on YOU!
Thank you for posting and letting us see your vulnerability, your humanity! You let us be better human beings by doing so. You are a gift!!!
Called into work today... I've been in bed all day. All the things she said yesterday and all the memories that will never happen again going through my head.
I just can't stop crying...
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
Theirs nothing wrong with crying Prowl. I have cried more in the last 6 months than I have in my entire life. Honestly, many of us have been exactly where you are right now. I'm even a very introverted person and being alone scares the hell out of me. Its one of my deepest fears but I cant let that fear control my life.
Trust this process and give things time, be patient. My W was so vicious and angry at me in the beginning. Threatening to take my kids away if I said anything about the guy she was pursuing. Telling me she didn't love me anymore. Don't listen to any of it. It is no reflection of who you are at all, just her.
Those memories can happen again, have faith.
This isn't easy, but if you do the work and keep moving forward things will get better. You can use this to become a new man, just as I have. I believe you can do it. That pain will lessen over time. Give yourself time.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
You're a cop, right? What did you learn at the Academy and into your job about domestic disturbances that involved suicide threats? You probably saw the emotional and physical devastation left in the wake of a person who went through an actual suicide.
They left behind small children, devastated spouses and parents. All for what? A means to escape pain that are temporary. They were all weak people. Guess what? The sad thing is THAT is all people talk about those poor souls, "he couldn't handle it...blah blah"
Never mind about this person's accomplishments. Hardly ever mentioned. It is always, "you remember Joe? That guy who offed himself...ya, that one..." How sad is that sort of legacy?!
I don't think you're a weak man....am I right in my estimation of your character here?
C'mon, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and yell "F*CK YOU, I will not be defeated here!"
Morning Prowl...I spent the first two months crying in the shower every morning, and then while I was getting dressed and then while was driving to work, no then in the bathroom at work on a really bad day....Prowl its part of managing the shock and grief of the situation, your mind, body and soul managing change...and while it feels bad, it is as PP said healing.
Unsure how that works but this one may close. Please, not sure Prowl is feeling that great and the wonderful folks on the board are offering their support.
Prowl, I would just like to wrap you in warmth and let you cry it all out as much as you need for as long as you want
Tons of hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
