I was in a very verbally, emotionally and financially abusive M with a compulsive who gambled, drank and played far too much golf, watched far too much sport. And chased POW.
My earlier threads are as much about me coming to terms with this and the DB which helped me set boundaries and face the issues.
I still stand for the values in my M and for me. WH has gone from the Big House which is up for sale. I am almost 100% NC apart from a couple of very minor admin Fins.
I am going to D in July 2015.
I have flashbacks and Trauma. My DB journey to mental and physical health is just beginning, I am here for a long time to DB and heal.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Unanswered posts last thread: following Aged P support of V and disclosing some drunk driving by WH with Aged P in his car. aged Pa is 94 aged Ma is 89 and has dementia.
Originally Posted By: Zelda09
Dearest V,
I get the looking back. I know you are hoping to learn something and find some place for the bewildered thoughts to go. I spend an awful lot of time trying to do the same.
It's like being in a funhouse, looking at all those distorted reflections in the mirror and wondering where the real image is, and how you might see it next time. I think it would be very hard to have been locked in such a 'funhouse' and step into broad daylight and look only forward.
My friends and family, probably like yours, saw that something was 'off' but because we were happy and in love...wanted to support the M.
There is nothing wrong with you, that you didn't see or know, or hear...I promise! The world is full of good people who mind their own business and want to see their loved ones happy.
Originally Posted By: rd500
Hi Vanillia. I get your wanting to know a long time ago but I'm not sure you would have been ready. Only you can judge that I have been amazed at the decline in your H's behaviour since the start. I can some what understand the nasty thoughts because I have had them re my EXW but having thoughts and acting on them are two very different things
Your Pa will always want what's best for his little girl but he has to temper what he says with the information he has and or believes. Your H seemed to be hiding a very dark side and even when glimpses of that side are seen it can be very easy for someone observing to dismiss if behaviour is not consistent
Since you kindly helped me in my sitch I've seen you as a very kind and gentle lady who treats others with respect and love. You gave H every benefit of the doubt. You stood for your M longer than most under the circumstances and I have n doubt you love the man that H was or could have been
Looking back now about time frame or what others thought ( even wonderful P )'serves no purpose The here and now are all that matters. Vanillia is starting from today , business will get back on track , you are helping other with Abuse thread and others like myself , you GAL like a god and at the end of every day you are Vanillia , you are a very lucky lady and we are all very lucky on here to have got the chance to meet you
Take extra care today special Vanillia Hugs and kisses. Rd
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/03/1507:09 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am curious about the system over in the UK. Have the counselors experienced working with survivors who have completely obliterated their abusers out of their lives successfully? If yes, what are the stats?
Thanks Wonka
I have asked both healing hurt and the Freedom Program (both UK charities dealing with Domestic Abuse) for research material. I will précis and give you references if I can. Both have promised an email. The Freedom Program is UK government sponsored initiative.
All of these programs recommend NC for the abused spouse and protected visitation for children of the Union. The new divorce system in the UK gives faster divorce for proven domestic abuse/uncontested divorce and judges can award instantaneous exclusion orders. The abuse programs have developed from helping either the abuser or the target to helping either or both.
Additionally the incidence of domestic abuse in male marriage is higher that that of mixed couples. No one as yet as far as I am aware has truly studied this development in great depth but I am going to research and see what emerges.
It may take a little time but I am on the case.
In the meantime my project is to accumulate technique terms, and I was considering if this would be better as a new thread, an addition to definitions or on the abuse thread.
V
I am currently working on this project.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
You, my dear lady V, are an inspiration as always! I like what you said about being here to continue DB for you. That is why I stay too. My D has been final for months and I'm trying to pick up the pieces and move on but I still stand for marriage. My X is gone from my life, but I'm not giving up on love and marriage, just learning to move ahead as a single lady again and lots of DB principles really are good for the healing process.
You are one amazing lady and I'm so pleased that I encountered you here. Your positive attitude, your drive and your determination despite your circumstances are just totally awe-inspiring. Big hugs and so glad you are still here. Much love, V!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Some days are ok, I function but can't perform. At least I am doing something. Other days I flaff and fluff and I get nothing done.
I panic and feel exhausted, permanent hard knots of anxiety. My stomach feels like there is a solid rock in it. My heart is heavy, my knees hurt.
The weather is good but I don't want to be outside. Mainly I feel like resting but I still don't feel less tired.
I go GAL and there are moments when it's ok, brief glimpses of normality.
This is not about WH, it is about being.
I haven't checked my email for a week, there could be time bombs.
I let myself off the hook for this, I know it has to be, it is part of the trauma healing process and I must face it down. I accept that joylessness is part of the pain. I will get as much from this as I can, it's part of life.
Today is another day, I want to be well, extreme care. I have given up sugar, alcohol goes completely too. Exercise will come next.
I want to be really well, I want to eat, glow and nourish, but it seems like too much like hard work and I will just have to push through it.
I have been reading books about abuse, whilst that fixes some ideas other thoughts emerge. It takes two to Tango, you can't be abused without your consent. But that's not my experience, at the point I said I will not be abused, it worsened, I changed I set boundaries. I tried almost everything I could, every technique. I looked at posture, tone, neutrality, grey breeze block, STFU, walk away, coolness, responses, anger return, withdrawal, and validating. And I prayed for guidance for WH to stop because he wanted to stop.
I tried intervention, VSO support and counselling. I consulted, discussed, sought help from my higher power.
At the end of the day all I have is NC, pitch black but that hasn't stopped it. The wretch turns up unexpectedly, texts and rants. All about money.
This abuser abuses, did I train him this was rewarding, is it in him?
At this point I do not care why, I just want it to stop.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/04/1507:55 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Your words are very comforting. The one thing that I know is that I can no longer be naive, unknowing and innocent.
I was taught to believe in Miller's principle, as a senior manager that was my training, "In order to understand what another is saying, we assume there is truth in it and decide what can be true"
Then we apply that rule in reverse and ask why we ask what is false and ask "what is wrong with the other". This stops us from closing down and from rejecting the other. The abuser targets those who give the benefit of the doubt, who question themselves.
In most circumstances this extra fly on the wall helps me, it is successful in the working world it helps me move forwards to build bridges with clients and staff. It work for me, but it is an impediment, a different choice is needed. The 100% rule, so I have had to learn there are times when the Miller Principle is a principle not a law. It is not immutable.
I must move forwards in my thinking, a costly lesson.
I decided this, I will not participate in abuse, by counter attacking (screaming banshee), by discussion or logic, and by pleading or asking for it to stop. All of this is a 'win' for an abuser. Validating doesn't help but it neutralises, it deescalates that abuse incident, but the abuser then raises the bar. It was ineffective last time so increase the abuse.
Much as I would like to really dislike WH or get revenge I can't. I don't feel sorry for WH, this is his choice of behaviour.
Abuse is dangerous for most abusers, WH is hostile and extistentially lonely, he has few friends and little support. WH gets pleasure or reward from abusing or he would stop doing it, he doesn't want to give it up.
Research tells me that:
For all illnesses and injuries an important risk factor is exposure to hostility and loneliness and it takes longer to recover. Hostility almost guarantees loneliness, no one really wants to be around an angry person. Those who are abusive around children have verbally abusive grandchildren and adult dysfunctional children.
I am doing my trauma work, I know adrenalin lasts about 15 minutes give or take 5 depending on blood dosage, a hormone in my blood which will clear. the anxiety attack will pass, all things will pass.
H played a staged strategy, firstly, I am your friend, but talks about me and crickets me to others, behaves one way to my face and another behind my back. He tells me the bad things others say, gives double messages, undermines my confidence in myself. Then it escalated in that he pointed out my weaknesses, diminished my accomplishments, is indignantly justifying feigns hurt. Put me down to others. When that didn't work, he got angrier and angrier and when drunk or under the influence was unbearable. Like a smiling crocodile at its prey.
He calculated it, but eventually even a peaceable V listened to her heart, her friends and family.
WH knows what he does, he is not unconcious of it.
He escalated to regain control and get his resources back. WH will move on to another target, he has to do it. He has little choice as he is without resources now.
I am here repairing the damage.
With my personal loving IC RD, who has been there in some of my darkest hours. At least now I know so the puzzlement is gone.
Thank you RD
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Big hugs and so glad you are still here. Much love, V!