I'm hopeful someone with more experience than I have will chime in.
But my opinion is that you shouldn't be trying to do family things with him or 1 on 1 things with him while he is an affair. You can't out-nice the A partner - you don't want to compete for your own boyfriend. I think as long as you know he is cheating on you, any positive affection you provide is only reinforcing the affair.
Your boyfriend is sleeping with another woman, and your goals are all set up to REWARD him for that behavior.
In my opinion, you should try structuring your goals around how to make YOU better. Instead of "I will help share the housework", you should be saying "I will take care of my responsibilities as a home owner." Instead of arranging something together with him, say that you'll take the kids on a new adventure every 2 or 3 weeks.
Again, this is just my opinion - take it for what it's worth.
ok I read sandi's rules. I have been very bad at pursuing and chasing. I have a difficult time as we live together and the kids. So i am thinking one goal could be that I will not speak of "US" or the Relationship for one week and then build on it I need obtainable for positive reinforcement! I have also been very emotionally abusive and unsupportive! I am not sure how to be supportive and not emotionally mean to him without it seeming like I am pursuing. As for going dark I find that a little hard living together. Especially since it is almost like we are together without affection but he is also with OW. He only spends friday and Saturday with her from around 9pm until 3AM about. They text all day but that is about it for their relationship. he is not secretive with me about it for the most part. so i need to stop asking about that also. as for GAL we barley make ends meet with his going out every weekend racing and the kids activities. I am also one of those crazy moms who feels I should be with the kids as much as i can especially his kids as we only have the 50% of the time. So should I just start doing things with the kids? Park? bike rides? ect. He always comes home. we share the same room, kid responsibilities and i take care of bills. really the only things that are different are the affection (no kissing,recently (the last two weeks) no SL, and no ILY) otherwise if you came to our house it looks like normal. we will still sit on the couch together and i lean on him or we will spend a day just laying in bed. he hugs me several times a day. but he will state he doesnt want to be with me. its so confusing
matt777 I agree I do feel in ways i am rewarding him which could be helping this affair to last. I did just post something else before i saw yours so maybe that will help explain. I want to do more for myself. i have really put the kids aside during all of this turmoil and it hurts me because they are only young for a little while. so maybe i will try to take them to the park weekly or do movie nights. i guess i felt keeping 1 to 1 time would help him see my changes and offer us time to have light conversation and just spend time together. As for family things it could be good or bad but he has always been very very involved with the kids if i told him i was taking them to the park or the zoo and ne wasnt invited it would hurt him and make him upset. Idk what to do to keep a balance of working on me keeping the peace and not rewarding. I also take the girls to watch him race every saturday that is what they want to do and i enjoy going. i have put my foot down and refuse to take the kids to see him in the pits after the races because she is there and i made it clear i do not want them in the middle of this as they have no idea what is officially going on. and i can say i have not slipped on that. he does not push the issue of our kids seeing her either. he tried on time and i just stood my ground and said no. he denies being in a relationship with her but its obvious they text all day she filed for divorce they sleep together and go out everyweekend. he will say the kids might as well start to know her they will be together eventually. i keep reality and say what if we work it out or if it falls apart. he claims we will never work it out and they will be together forever. i keep my hopes up that is not the case. i will stop refering to what if and discussing the A and our relationship. as for goals i agree with you they are rewarding. so how about this
I will only text him if he texts me first...that will be a 180 because i always text and say good morning have a good day and text throughout the day. so i will let him initiate
i will take the kids to do something once a week just us on my day off while he is at work
i will not mention our relationship status, the A or OW, and the what if's
I will not initiate 1 on 1 time but will be receptive if he asks me
i will control less of what he does regarding going out and allow him to make more decisions with the kids except Ow being around them...i control everything schedules money talking with other moms ect i will let him do more of that so he can see how it really is
i will take care of my share of the responsibilities at home
does this look better? trying to get the hang of this...
by the way i NEVER do anything for myself as i always feel guilty spending money we dont have or interfering with his schedule or upsetting him and i do not want to inconvience him...BUT today i bought myself a new CD! i know cheesy huh? but i walked around feeling so guilty i was spending 7$ on myself we didnt have but then i stopped and said to myself i deserve to do stuff for me it is only 7$ he will spend well over 100 just friday and saturday between going out and racing! I know i probably sound crazy but it was a HUGE thing to me
Matt777 I appreciate all of your advice you do have to be an expert I am open to any and all suggestions! I just appreciate you sticking with me and helping and guiding! so Thank you so much!
I'm hopeful someone with more experience than I have will chime in.
But my opinion is that you shouldn't be trying to do family things with him or 1 on 1 things with him while he is an affair. You can't out-nice the A partner - you don't want to compete for your own boyfriend. I think as long as you know he is cheating on you, any positive affection you provide is only reinforcing the affair.
Your boyfriend is sleeping with another woman, and your goals are all set up to REWARD him for that behavior.
In my opinion, you should try structuring your goals around how to make YOU better. Instead of "I will help share the housework", you should be saying "I will take care of my responsibilities as a home owner." Instead of arranging something together with him, say that you'll take the kids on a new adventure every 2 or 3 weeks.
Again, this is just my opinion - take it for what it's worth.
Hello 4mykid,
First, let me say that I am sorry for the situation you are in.
I agree with Matt777. You need to focus on YOU and your kids. Why are you making it easier for him to continue this relationship when it is hurting you? DBing needs to be a full time proposition and you can start by focusing on what you have control over.
It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
matt777 I agree I do feel in ways i am rewarding him which could be helping this affair to last. I did just post something else before i saw yours so maybe that will help explain. I want to do more for myself. i have really put the kids aside during all of this turmoil and it hurts me because they are only young for a little while. so maybe i will try to take them to the park weekly or do movie nights. i guess i felt keeping 1 to 1 time would help him see my changes and offer us time to have light conversation and just spend time together. As for family things it could be good or bad but he has always been very very involved with the kids if i told him i was taking them to the park or the zoo and ne wasnt invited it would hurt him and make him upset. Idk what to do to keep a balance of working on me keeping the peace and not rewarding. I also take the girls to watch him race every saturday that is what they want to do and i enjoy going. i have put my foot down and refuse to take the kids to see him in the pits after the races because she is there and i made it clear i do not want them in the middle of this as they have no idea what is officially going on. and i can say i have not slipped on that. he does not push the issue of our kids seeing her either. he tried on time and i just stood my ground and said no. he denies being in a relationship with her but its obvious they text all day she filed for divorce they sleep together and go out everyweekend. he will say the kids might as well start to know her they will be together eventually. i keep reality and say what if we work it out or if it falls apart. he claims we will never work it out and they will be together forever. i keep my hopes up that is not the case. i will stop refering to what if and discussing the A and our relationship.
They are all his kids. I'm not suggesting you kidnap them or take them places and specifically NOT invite him. But it should be about your relationship with THEM not with HIM. Invite him, but it shouldn't matter whether he goes. If he does, treat him like a friendly neighbor, not like a boyfriend - no hand holding, cuddling, etc.
As for changes, if you sit and watch the grass grow, can you see it? Can you see paint dry? What if you leave and come back three weeks later....has the grass grown? Is the paint dry? Sometimes being too close makes seeing change impossible.
You also mention "keeping the peace". What is your GOAL here? A peaceful home or a meaningful relationship? Is a peaceful home important if your boyfriend is leaving every Saturday night to sleep with someone else? Change is not always easy, and it won't always make him happy. You need to really think about what your ultimate goals are here.
Originally Posted By: 4mykid
as for goals i agree with you they are rewarding. so how about this
I will only text him if he texts me first...that will be a 180 because i always text and say good morning have a good day and text throughout the day. so i will let him initiate good
i will take the kids to do something once a week just us on my day off while he is at work good
i will not mention our relationship status, the A or OW, and the what if's good
I will not initiate 1 on 1 time but will be receptive if he asks me good - but not every time. Maybe 1 in 3
i will control less of what he does regarding going out and allow him to make more decisions with the kids except Ow being around them...i control everything schedules money talking with other moms ect i will let him do more of that so he can see how it really is good
i will take care of my share of the responsibilities at home good
does this look better? trying to get the hang of this...
by the way i NEVER do anything for myself as i always feel guilty spending money we dont have or interfering with his schedule or upsetting him and i do not want to inconvience him...BUT today i bought myself a new CD! i know cheesy huh? but i walked around feeling so guilty i was spending 7$ on myself we didnt have but then i stopped and said to myself i deserve to do stuff for me it is only 7$ he will spend well over 100 just friday and saturday between going out and racing! I know i probably sound crazy but it was a HUGE thing to me
Now you've been catering to him for years right? He gets to go racing, go have his A, etc. what kind of GAL plans do you have? When do you get to go out with friends? When do you get to go try new things? It's time to step up and get your own life. You aren't his babysitter. There's plenty of meet ups out there you can do for very low cost. So....what's on tap? And when you go to these...be mysterious, dress one level up, don't say exactly what you're doing or who with.
Again, these are just my thoughts. I find I'm generally softer about A dealings than many on here. I hope someone else gives some opinions if they disagree with me!
Two of them are his kids one is mine. I do agree it seems hard to see changes and when things do change they seem so drastic because i live the bad 7 days a week. just like in my original post i said he was kinder spending more time at home ect. then we fought and its back to square one! I used to be the one on the rollercoaster of emotions up down all over the place due to depression. i am now controlling that with medication and IC. We do live pretty closely as I stated the only difference is he tells me instead of asks me if he can do things and there is no intimacy. I am always the one to initiate time together I will ask do you want to watch tv with me do you want to spend time together ect. So maybe for my 180 I will stop initiating these and see if he starts to initiate. I will still try to do things he enjoys like going to the garage. But i will not ask him to do 1 to 1 things with me. I will ask him to go but I need to stop fearing his reaction if we leave without him. I also fear, for no reason as he has never said no, that he would not let me take them as he can do that. As for the peace. I want a peaceful home for the kids not me. they have already dealt with a year of us fighting. it broke my heart last week when we in calm voices disagreed and the 4 year old said "now you and daddy will fight all day" I do not want my kids in an environment like that I grew up that way and now i swear all i know is fighting and screaming to get your way. So peace is important to me and the kids it is also one of his issues he says everytime we get back together it turns into an all out war. I want to get a long and be kind, supportive, and respectful for myself. I hate the person I have become spiteful hateful and no cares how i make him feel. I feel keeping the peace also helps stop some of the resentment and if i am not fighting with him he has no one to blame but himself for his unhappiness. Really keeping the peace is a 180 for me because i will argue about anything. AS for peace or meaningful. I would like both. Meaningful is my ultimate goal but i feel like there has to peace for it to begin to mean anything as there has been so much turmoil for so long. we could barely go a day without yelling or fighting eachother. A meaningful relationship means more to me than the peace. MY ultimate goal is to become an 'emotionally stable" caring person who can be supportive, it is who i was in the beginning. we are always the best of friends until about a year or 2 into it. I need to stop being controlling judgemental and holding on to resentment. I feel those changes are more for me. I do not want to be the person I have become! My ultimate end goal is to come out of this a better person with more understanding of myself. the other half of this goal is for him to end his A and try to work on this relationship. I am not sure the latter will happen but i want to take the time to become a better me! I do not have a life currently. If I am not at work I am home taking care of things or running errands or with the kids. I am to blame for that. he always tells me to go do things he is willing to watch the kids anytime even if it is friday or saturday. He has NEVER told me i can not do something. I choose to sit at home and be with the kids. Maybe part of my GAL can be with the kids going to the park one time a week. A movie in OUR bedroom with popcorn as for getting out of the house I do NEED to do that but I am so money conscious because i control all of it so i know where we stand. its pretty scary! But then again you are right. Why should he get to spend 80$ racing plus money to go out with her and I just get to sit home and worry about money?? Makes sense now that YOU asked it instead of me just looking at it and defending my own ways. So one thing I used to enjoy was just going to the mall and looking around. it does not matter to me if i buy anything or not its just getting out for me. i know probably sounds lame but I am a shopper and a browser1 I also enjoy reading it sounds lame also but I love to go the garage turn the fan on and sit out there without him or the kids its a quiet area. MY daughter is the only one here on thursdays and we used to go out to eat every week same place it was our date I will maybe do that one time a month instead of weekly due to finances. My kids have been begging to go to church so we could do that the two weekends a month I am off work. as for groups and ect i live in a town of 2000 people over half of them over the age of 65 so not much of that around here lol. And volunteering in a nursing home, hospital setting is for sure out of the question as I work as a CNA with a Nursing degree *NEVER took my boards" so I do not think extra healthcare time would help me lol. there are a few friends I would like to reconnect with as i have practically shut myself out of the world due to kids activities work and being with them. During the school year my kids have activities 3-4 days a week i work every other weekend and I do all of the activity running around. He was in school full time and was not home when they needed to leave and I usually drive about 30 minutes away from home so i can not just drop them off go do something and come back as there classes stagger and i can not leave the 4 year old unattended! Dance nights in town toward the end of it I did start making him either take them to class each one of them or he had to make dinner. as in the beginning i did both every night. it did not matter if he got home at 5 and i got home at 730 i made dinner. i put my foot down and started telling him to cook! My other fear with GAL is he always says if I dont want to watch them her will find someone to do it for him if he is going out. if we both wanted to go out on a friday night he wouldnt skip it he would just find someone to watch them and i HATE that. I should be able to go out and him stay home every once in a while. Maybe i am just being selfish and should pick another day! but it is a little harder to go out durring the week as everyone works! It does look like i am starting to have a plan. movie in room with kids, reading alone, dinner date with daughter, play day (swimming, park game night,ect) once a week. My goal in this is to have a stronger relationship with the kids. I have focused so much energy on saving this relationship and fighting and pursuing they unfortunatly have gotten pushed to the side. so this should allow me to focus on them. Anytime there is extra money i will go get a pedicure i LOVE them! or have a girls night out! Thanks Mat777 for picking my brain and giving feed back i need straight forward questions and guidance just like you are giving! THANKS SO MUCH! keep disecting away and giving me feed back I need all the help I can get taking my life back over for me!
Ok. That was a very lengthy post! Let me give a few thoughts.
- I understand what you mean about yelling. NOBODY here would tell you it's useful to get into a screaming match about anything. But at the same time, you need to fight for yourself and the kids. Read Sandi's rules again and again. When you feel a fight coming, just excuse yourself for a bit.
- If money's tight, but he's allowed to go spend money on his hobbies and OW, you shouldn't feel guilty buying a $7 CD. If you're in charge of the money, set a budget. it's your money too, right? What kind of income split is it...? Can you afford to start separating your finances and splitting bills? You may also consult a lawyer to find out what kind of Chris support he would owe you if you were to leave - I bet that number would change his spending habit!
- you can't keep trying to control him. You aren't in charge of his relationship with the kids. If you have a 50-50 agreement on watching them, and he gives his share to the neighbor, you shouldn't feel badly about it. You should make sure they are safe and well cared for, but it isn't your job to force his relationship with them. That's on him.
- regarding GAL, doing things with the kids is great. Go to the park, go to the library, see what other mommy + me groups or something might be available. Watch movies, have Princess days, whatever it is. BUT you also need to get out by yourself some too. You need to add some mystery into your life. If you sit in the same place that your boyfriend left you, he'll always know where to find you. Don't be his fall back plan!
- my last thought is about your pursuit. You have got to stop. No more cuddling, handholding, sweet talk. None of it. Don't ask him what he's been doing, don't ask if he wants alone time, nothing. You can invite him to g with you and the kids, but it's not about your time with HIM. Think as if you're on a walk and he's a few steps ahead of you - your goal is to stop walking and get him to come back to YOU. If you always are chasing after him, he won't ever come back because he knows right where you are.
Matt777 yes it was a lot of information! I like to give as much information as i can so I can get as much feedback as I can. I am so scared of messing this up and losing my family for good. I have NO relationship with ANY of my family so this is all I have. MIL and I are close. Lived with them at 17 when my mom abandoned me! fighting we got into a huge fight on tuesday night and he told me to leave he does not care about me, our friendship anything. he is starting to hate me. He said he will no longer hug me spend time with me or cuddle. He even said he wanted to take a loan out so i could get the hell out of his life. I am not sure if I should believe him. he also told me everyday I am here just makes him hate me even more. I struggle with believing him as he was angry. He did give me a half one arm hug throughout the end of this week. I text him around 12 today saying hi and asked if he wasnt talking to me! BIG MISTAKE. he blew up told me he didnt need to text me in the mornings or talk to him period. when i asked what was wrong he said nothing. I called when i got off so I knew how much money he needed out of bank for gas and of course he was pleasant. I feel like he is on a rollercoaster not me! and I do not understand how we can go from hanging out all the time cuddling hugging talking ect to this! Im so confused by his actions. please help me understand! I had been doing very well at just walking away I slipped up twice in a row in less than 10 days. I know i need to get back on track and that is my goal to just walk away and ask to discuss at different time. There would be no support as my child is not his and we have never been married. as for finances. we have seperate accounts but we ran his cc's up so 10,000 debt i dont want to just leave him with as we both spent. paychecks i budget bills and know what we need to pay. all of our money is our money we do not split anything. i got paid yesterday have no checks so deposited into his account and paid bills. we have never split bills because i am a control freak and it is always a fight when we try to discuss it so for me it easier to just share money. plus i do all the grocery shopping and all of that he doesnt like to. he does a good share of housework and i take care of kids unless i am at work. I do not worry about HIS relationship with the kids i worry about him telling people I am unwilling to watch them when i am at home just sitting. plus everytime i have refused or said i dont want to watch them for one night he treatens to not let me watch them period. he will just take them to sitter and then well i get to help pay for that too! AS for GAL i am excited to tell you I am taking my daughter to see fireworks tonight. I told him I would drop his oldest off at her moms (I am going to the town she lives in and we are really close). probably just watch them with her! I simply told him plans changed i would drop her off when i leave. he asked if i was taking my daughter i said yes did not figure you would watch her as you already have plans with OW. I did not tell him when i was leaving where i was going or what i was doing. He just knows I am dropping daughter off! Saturday I will take the girls to races and fireworks and he will be across the track with OW missing out on kids. Pursuing..so hard to stop. i understand why i shouldnt and see how its helpful just soooo hard! What do I do if he asks me to sit with him or he sits down with me and throws his legs over mine? so my goal for this week 7 days is to not text him unless he texts me, not ask him to spend time with me and stay on my side of the bed! sorry so long again. you will want to run soon im sure!
Matt777 i forgot to mention. it seems so weird not telling him where i am going as he usually never asks what I am up to I usually just tell him! well for whatever reason today he asked what i was doing. I just said not sure yet. nothing more! I am also confused on doing what works. in the beginning we are always best friends inseperable talk all the time cuddle all the pursuing stuff. telling me how wonderful he is amazing ect. now i am supposed to pull away seems so weird. then i got hit with reality and everytime i have done just that not talked to him acted like i didnt care as soon as the other relationship ends he comes right back apologizing. I WANT it to be different this time. I want him to come back and WANT to work on the problems not just sweep them under the rug and try again. it always fails. so pulling back slowly or just do a 180? helpful hints due to us living together?
