You may need to do this amends slowly and in stages. A little like a garden the flowers will bloom all summer, not all one big show.
Remember that just because you are ready to make amends WAW may not be ready to hear and feel it. It make release many emotions for WAW and these can change over time too.
Breathe cleansing green air deep into your soul stay calm. This isn't easy.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you Teach, Bob and of course, V. I am very touched by your kindness and appreciate you all immensely.
Truly V, I am proud of myself, but it is a tainted pride. My IC asked me how I felt about next week's meeting and I told him quite truthfully, I am terrified. Not because if I make a mistake my W will leave me, or somehow I'm going to push her further away - she's long gone. But because I have to be myself, completely vulnerable, with nothing to hide behind.
That is not about admitting that I smoked too much, or drank too much, or lied about any of it, but because I will have to sit there and be completely me. It may sound odd to others, but for me that evokes true terror, even in front of someone as forgiving and loving as my W. Somewhere in my being I believe that to be seen is akin to death. My hand starts to shake when I think about it, and I have been paid well in my life to protect people who's lives were in imminent danger. I have been armed in dangerous situations and not blinked an eye, but to my core am scared of being honest about what I was going through in my M. It makes no sense to me rationally.
My pride is tainted because I know that my turnaround came only after so much pain was inflicted upon the one person I love more than anyone else in the world, that she could only remove herself as protection. That is not who I am. That is how I acted though. I went from protector, to cause of harm. That's nothing to be proud of.
Real courage would have been to be honest when asked, to be vulnerable enough years ago to say, "I think I have a problem and need your help." This is courage after the fact, and that's not courage at all. No I have nothing left to lose but the bullshit story I've been hiding behind for 25 years.
I know that saying, " the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the second best time is today." So on some level I'm glad that my tree got planted 166 days ago. I'm going to water it everyday till I pass on and hope that it grows strong and gives other people a good reason to plant their own.
Next week I'm going to muster as much courage as I have in my whole heart and speak my truth, unfazed by any potential negative consequences of doing so. I know enough to know I'm not going to die from it, even if it feels like it. If I do, my W will probably resuscitate me, just so she can have the pleasure of D'ing me later!
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Thank you Teach, Bob and of course, V. I am very touched by your kindness and appreciate you all immensely.
Hello my friend,
You're so welcome. I wanted to catch up on your sitch and see you just posted. But first, thank you for the encouraging post in my thread earlier today. And please do keep those prayers coming, if you don't mind. You are in mine, too.
PP, I have seen such tremendous emotional growth by you since you joined this board. You are owning up to your part in the issues in your M. Whether it is for me to say or not, I, too (like V) am so proud of you.
Don't look back and keep moving forward!
I wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Wow...I can feel your tentative approach to being vulnerable from this side of the screen. I cannot help but be moved by it.
I am wondering if you could ask that counselor if he would be willing to be a sounding board to you in guiding you through composing the making amends letter. What I mean is that you can start writing up some drafts now (of course...no work on Fourth of July!) until the first MC session this coming Wednesday. That can be added, changed, and adjusted after you get the green light to meet the couple who successfully navigated through recovery.
The following posts moved me:
Originally Posted By: PigPen
That is not about admitting that I smoked too much, or drank too much, or lied about any of it, but because I will have to sit there and be completely me. It may sound odd to others, but for me that evokes true terror, even in front of someone as forgiving and loving as my W.
Originally Posted By: PigPen
Real courage would have been to be honest when asked, to be vulnerable enough years ago to say, "I think I have a problem and need your help." This is courage after the fact, and that's not courage at all. No I have nothing left to lose but the bullshit story I've been hiding behind for 25 years.
What you are doing right now is VERY courageous. Taking steps to be vulnerable and being prepared for the possibility of being rejected by a loved one in all of your naked glory. That is TRUE courage in every sense of the word.
I think it is admirable that you are reclaiming your true authentic self and that is a wonder to behold from where I sit in my chair.
A couple of days before your meeting consider watching the amazing TED talks on vulnerability by Brene Brown. I highly recommend them, both Jim and Edz passed these connections to me. It really gave me insight.
When you are brave enough to become then the glow of the higher power becomes a strength.
I really like Wonkas post about the practice. If I can be of help please post.
Take all the strength I can project to you.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/04/1509:40 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you Bob, Wonka, and V. Again, please allow me to sincerely thank you and know that I'm drawing strength from each of your comments.
Wonka, I will be writing everything out and going through it multiple times, I have another conversation set up with the counselor I spoke to prior to our meeting to go over everything with him again.
Dear V, I will be watching the Brene Brown TED talk as well. I've seen it before but know that it contains so many gems about this meeting.
I know I need to do this, and do it with authenticity. I feel that in my heart. I know I need to do it for myself first, not just for my W. I need to be able to sit in my own skin and admit that I had problems out loud to the one person who's opinion still holds the most weight in my world. Intellectually I understand the benefit of doing this, emotionally I know that it's just something that has to be done no matter how scary it may seem.
Last night I dreamed that I was trapped in a room with no way out and had to start ripping parts of the walls apart to try to escape. When I did get out, my W was there telling me that she would come to our meeting on Thurs but that she had nothing positive to say about our M. Needless to say, some part of me is going to have a very interesting week processing this event and dealing with the fears that it is evoking.
Looking at my DB process from the outside, I know this meeting needs to happen on a number of levels. I need to change before there's ever a chance for our M. I won't be changed until this meeting happens. My W needs to FEEL that I've changed if our M has a shot. She can't feel that I have changed until she hears me speak my truth uncensored. She won't consider any kind of reconciliation until she feels in her heart that I have changed, and maybe she still won't. I do understand as well that unless the changes are real, we'd be doomed if we got back together.
Part of the changes becoming real, not just something that I talk about and can articulate well, involve sitting in that hot seat and being truthful. My IC spoke to me las week about alchemy - and how true change often comes from sitting in an "emotional fire" of sorts. I think all of us LBS's sit in the fire daily.
Lastly, this week especially, I have to remember that my W is a human being, not some mythical creature who holds power of me and my future. She is soul that has been hurt over and over and has taken action to protect herself from further hurt and heartache. She is as disappointed as I am over where we are at, and has her own set of needs, hopes and dreams that have been taken from her. It breaks my heart to write that but I know it is true.
Happy 4th of July to all of you in the US, may this independence day bring peace to all of our sitchs, and ease the pain that is in our hearts.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Happy 4th of July to all of you in the US, may this independence day bring peace to all of our sitchs, and ease the pain that is in our hearts.
Hey buddy,
Very nice sentiment at the end of your last post. You are an excellent writer.
I can't thank you enough for the incredible post you added to my thread earlier tonight. I did reply in my thread, but I also wanted to thank you here and see how you are.
I feel both Wonka and Vanilla gave you solid advice regarding your upcoming meeting.
Stay strong and positive, PP!
P.S. I already said a prayer dedicated to you after I replied to your post in my thread. We will all help each other through these heart-breaking times.
Best wishes.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
PigPen, you are a true inspiration to me. I absolutely love how you have taken such responsibility for your part in what's gone wrong with your M. Should you guys come through this, your W will be one of the most blessed women in the world to have such an evolved and self-aware husband.
Thinking of you and praying for you.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
