WW Conversation

[thriver]

WW and I have a mutual friend. We get together every now and then to shoot guns and BBQ out at his ranch. It's always a good time.

Because of the situation between me and W, this friend has been put in a difficult position and doesn't really want to "take sides". He was one of the first people I exposed W's affair to over a year ago. I don't think he really believes the extent of her A. From what I gather, he thinks it was probably just a one time thing and she just checked out of the M a long time ago. He is quick to forgive because his personality type is very non-confrontational.

Last time he and I were together, he made a comment like "Whenever your name (thriver) comes up in conversation with W, she only has nice things to say about you." What?! Why does she say nice things about me to him? Is this a game? She doesn't say nice things about me to my face or on the phone, so why would she tell him nice things? Is this to keep up the "friend" narrative that she so desperately wants to portray?

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but this comment really threw me for a loop. I'd like to hear from any former WW's that could provide some insight. Did you and your LBS have mutual friends? Were any of your interactions like this?

[sandi2]

Lately, I've been thinking about the very little interaction I have with WW since we are separated. I only initiate contact with regards to finances. No kids.

Will a WW perceive my lack of contact and detachment as "more of the same" behavior from me? One of her complaints about our M was that I was not always "there" for her emotionally so she just stopped caring.

I'm just wondering if I should initiate more contact with her in a non-pursuing way? Or will she just perceive that as pursuit? I read somewhere about keeping the road back paved smooth. Does that apply in DB?

This is copied from my WW thread.

First, the H has to see his own part of the downfall in the MR and work very hard to improve himself as a man. Notice, I said "man" and not H. The reason I said that is b/c the M is past the point of him showing her what an improved husband he can be. She is not interested in him as her H. If he now starts trying to implement all the things he sees he should have done in the past, it will hurt his effectiveness in getting this stitch turned around. For the WW, it is much too late, and she no longer cares about you doing those things. Based on what most newcomer LBH'S say, they think spending more time with the kids, showering the W with more attention, doing the housework, cooking, and running her errands (basically catering to her) will do the trick.

You've asked a question a newcomer will usually ask shortly after the first few posts. I think you are panicking and desperately looking for a last minute fix, or second guessing DBing techniques. IMO, initiating more contacts is pursuing.

Stay calm. Try to keep peaceful thoughts tonight. Be good to yourself, and don't let your mind wander into trying to analyze your W. Just do this to get through this night, okay?

((hugs))

[thriver]

Sandi, thank you for your response. I made it through the night. I'm trying to stay calm and you're right, I am quite desperate. My divorce date is only a 3 weeks away, so I'm not confident that DB'ing will work while we're still married. However, I will continue DB'ing even after divorce until there is no more hope. Currently, I will still have hope and pray every day that God restores our marriage. Only I can determine when the hope is gone and when to stop trying.

Last time he (our mutual friend) and I were together, he made a comment like "Whenever your name (thriver) comes up in conversation with W, she only has nice things to say about you." What?! Why does she say nice things about me to him? Is this a game? She doesn't say nice things about me to my face or on the phone, so why would she tell him nice things? Is this to keep up the "friend" narrative that she so desperately wants to portray?

Regarding the question I posed earlier in my thread...Does anyone have any thoughts on the WW saying nice things about the LBS to others? I'm curious if anyone else's WW/WAW did that. Is it common behavior?

[rd500]

Hi Thriver. , I have read all your posts and I hope you don't mind my posting but your still focusing on what your W says and does Again I hope you don't mind biut I have made a list below of what my EXW says almost weekly , shes gone 8 months now

1. Our M was almost all good
2. She loves me and family more than anything
3. She wants to come home but can't after what's happened ( she is denying OM and our councelllor belives her)
4 I'm her best friend and I'm the only person in the world she trusts
5. She thinks I'm a fantastic dad
6 she tells her sister I'm not the problem but she's
Lost
7 EXW thinks she's depressed
8. EXW posts on Facebook daily how sad her life is and Hows she's lost everything g
9 EXW talks of suicide
10. EXW cannot come into family home without crying

Thriver , I could read anything I wanted into the above but at the end of the day it's just words It could mean she wants to come home, it could mean she no longer wants OM. It could mean she's mentally unbalanced

My point is at some point you have to stop trying to analyse your Ws words and carry on with your life What you W says or does means nothing UNTIL she wants to discuss R with you

I'm not a vet and far from it but I see myself in your posts Your searching for hope anywhere you can and while that's understandable, it gets you no where

Let W go , get on with your life while DBIng Don't let what' W says affect your mood and if it does put it out of your mind asap

Life will be good again. Take care. Rd

[thriver]

What you W says or does means nothing UNTIL she wants to discuss R with you.

Thanks RD. You're absolutely right about this.

Your searching for hope anywhere you can and while that's understandable, it gets you no where.

I've heard conflicting opinions about hope. Some say hope is pointless. Others say there's nothing wrong with hope and only you (the LBS) can say when there's no more hope. I tend to lean towards the latter.

But you're right, since I have a little hope left, I tend to latch on to every action of W and go into "analysis paralysis". That has the analytical/engineer part of my brain working overtime. I try to turn it off, but it's hard.

[thriver]

I need some advice.

Background - My WW and I have been separated for 9 months. She's living in the marital home because during the asset split, we agreed she would take the home and I would keep my retirement in tact. I'm living elsewhere right now.

However, I am still paying the mortgage and other random bills. I usually pay them for a couple of months and then send an email to W to send me a reimbursement check - and she does. Well around 5 days ago, I sent her an email to send me the latest check for what she owes me, and she never responds (this is pretty typical). It's like pulling teeth to get her to respond to an email/text. Then today she texts me out of the blue asking ME for a favor. She said her phone is dying and she's going to the store today to get a new one and she wants me to transfer the billing responsibility for her phone to her. I should mention that I've been trying to transfer the responsibility to her for about 6 months now. Every time I do my part, she NEVER does her part of accepting it. Now, she is asking ME to do it? WTH?!

How should I handle this? Here are my options as I see them:

1. Treat her like I would treat a co-worker, be polite and say "Ok, I'll transfer it today". I'm afraid that if I do this favor for her, it's basically like me "fixing" something for her and I would appear weak in her eyes. Should I take the high road and respond politely even when she never extends me the same courtesy?

2. Wait a day or two and then respond with same response as option 1.

3. Ignore it completely. This will almost guarantee that she calls me asking for the same.

4. Other.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Bob723]

But you're right, since I have a little hope left, I tend to latch on to every action of W and go into "analysis paralysis". That has the analytical/engineer part of my brain working overtime. I try to turn it off, but it's hard.

Hello Thriver,

What a struggle you are going through. I can truly relate as my WAW has been gone 8 months, too. I really feel your pain and I know you are trying so hard to make things work. You do still have hope! Sandi and Rd gave you solid gold advice recently. Please try to do your best to understand what they are saying and why.

Once you can break free from the "analysis paralysis" that will allow you more time to work on things that you can control. I understand this as well. Especially in the first 3-4 months my W was gone, I was the exact same way.

We have your back. You will get thru this somehow.

Your friend,

Bob

[thriver]

Thanks for your kind words Bob. I've been keeping up with your sitch and I see many similarities between our Ws. I think you are handling it very well and you're getting some great advice from the pros. It certainly is hard not to try and decipher every interaction we have with them, isn't it?

I'm a man of faith, so I pray to God and listen for His guidance. I'm not giving up yet.

Does anyone have any guidance as to how I should respond to W's text message?

Since we have so few interactions, I want to make sure I get the max effectiveness from the ones we do have. Please help.

[thriver]

Does anyone have any guidance as to how I should respond to W's text message?

Since we have so few interactions, I want to make sure I get the max effectiveness from the ones we do have. Please help.

I haven't responded yet but I think I will today.

Friends, how should I respond?

[Di-mond]

Hello Thriver,

Just skimming through your sitch....I would go wih Number 1.
Just get it over with and have her be responsible for her own phone bill.
I wouldn't be paying the mortgage either. She fired you as her husband and guess what??? Being responsible for your own bills comes with that decision.
I'm no expert and this is only my humble opinion, but she needs to see and feel what it will be like when the divorce finalizes this month.
Hope this helps.

Diana