Met with therapist tonight. She said that I need to feel comfortable telling my wife what I want. It should not have been a revelation but it was. I am always too concerned with everyone else feelings. And that can be unattractive. So I called my wife and told her what I want in regards to custody of s13. We have been unable to reach agreement on the issue. I was surprised at how well she responded to it. I think it has always been the case that I was just too non-confrontational.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Just read your posts and very pleased for you that you beat cancer. You have through a very difficult time and I think you need to look after number one.
That is my guess, but maybe your wife is angry at herself for what she is putting you and your son through, and doesn't know how to repair the damages.
I'm not sure but has she filed for D? Did you get any paper? If not there might still be a chance.
First pimouse I would like to thank you for your prayers. One thing I learned from my bout with cancer is that the people who really are sincere offer prayers for you. My wife has not filed for divorce. She has however moved out and has recently purchased a house. She has become a person whom I no longer recognize. When I met her she was a generous, loving and non-judgemental person. Now she doesn't like anyone who is not wealthy or very attractive or well known. She told me that she wanted a man who was very successful and wealthy. This in spite of our having assets of several million dollars. It is proof that money does not buy happiness. When we negotiated our custody arrangement she was weak and whinny but when I mentioned splitting our assets she became very venomous. I intend to file as soon as my insurance kicks in at my new job. I have read here that many people file for divorce but then reconcile. Who knows at this point. I found it pretty easy to finally detach when she left me while I was still very sick. Now I am trying to hold down a job and take care of my son and to get healthy. I do have the help of a therapist who is very good and has helped me to see things clearly. It is expensive and I know that I am fortunate to have the money to spend on it. God bless you and I pray that you find peace and the wisdom to move forward!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Shotgun, just finished reading through your thread. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to go through cancer, as a few on this board have survived, much less a WAS also. Hope things continue to improve with your recovery.
I understand you have an IC that is helping you, thats a great asset to have. My IC has helped me in so many ways during this year.
Its obvious your W is working through some issues and has problems of her own, the money part seems to hit a nerve with her. Forgetting about her for now, you haven't talked much about what may have been some of your issues. You stated your W began to state all of your shortcomings and that you put your needs in front of her when talking about dividing assets. Many times they rewrite history in order to justify their actions(I'm sure leaving someone going through cancer would need alot of rewriting) but there are often grains of truth within the spew that can help us become the best version of ourselves we can. It may be good to think through those things and see if there is anything you can pull out. We cant do anything about them changing but we might as well take what we can from this experience to grow.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thank you for your interest Fogg. As best I can remember my wife and I only had one fight. It so happened that it lasted fifteen years. There was just never a resolution to it. It started on the eve of our wedding. In a courtship that lasted nine months we never had a disagreement or harsh word. The fight was about the two children that I brought to the relationship. For the rest of our time together we fought constantly about it. I had full custody of them with their mother only seeing them one night a week. The argument would take many forms but would always end with her complaining that I had taken their side. A couple of years into the marriage we went to a counselor over the issue. The two of them opined that my parenting style was to do nothing to correct their behavior. My counter was that sometimes by doing nothing you are doing everything possible. Through many quarrels with my wife and many challenges with my children I managed to raise two highly functioning and successful men. One is in the military and both attend major colleges. Neither has asked for a dime or assistance of any kind since graduating high school. In the time period of my marriage they never argued with her or raised their voice to her but did not ever develop a close relationship with my wife. My wife complained bitterly that their mother should be paying support but the attorney that I hired explained to me that due to my making significantly more money than her that I would have to pay her support even though they were with me most of the time. In our state custody is considered joint in almost all cases and I was advised that I would be unable to get anything but that. Through stalling tactics and keeping my ex a little confused and desperate I managed to never sign an agreement involving support. In the end my wife compiled a manifesto of my shortcomings that is found in every story that I have read on this website. She had found that she had feelings for another man and it was my fault. I like most people here did everything completely wrong although last fall my wife informed me that we had worked things out and she was committed to the marriage. Then the cancer came. I have had repressed memory of my treatment but a lot of things are slowly coming back to me. I am starting to recall a person who was disgusted by my appearance and inability to function. One such memory is of my wife and I having been invited to a party and her informing me that I could not go if I looked like a cancer patient. I know that is about as bad of a thing as a person could say and I would like to say that she is not a totally evil person. She is however someone who I am probably much better off without. I do continue to DB as I have learned how much it does for me. I still occasionally pray that God somehow fix this for my family. At this point it just seems over.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I can only but admire your strength and your wisdom. You are a very caring and kind man that only a fool would leave.
Now you have to focus on YOU. I don't think that money brings happiness (it helps, I guess), but your wife is going through a phase that she only can deal with. Do what you have always wanted to do, live each day to the full. It might be not a straight forward road, but you will get there.
Thank you pimouse. Very kind of you to say in light of the challenges that you face. We are fortunate to have others to lean on through this site and my family has really been there for me. I hope that you are as lucky to be able to reach out to family members and friends. When I went through this twenty years ago I was completely alone. I was left with a three year old and a one year old and only one night a week to rest. Instead of GAL I would catch up on sleep. Several years after our split my first ex gained a little stability and began keeping the children a couple of more days a week and it was during that time that I met my wife. I thought that I had met the girl of my dreams. It was perfect until that one night and it was a glaring red flag, but I believed that it was just jitters about the wedding. To sit here all these years later I just feel so stupid about having gone forward with it. I do however have a son who is amazing being a musician and incredibly bright. For that it is worth all of the pain that I have gone through. I hope we can continue to lift each other will remain in contact.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Congratulations for bringing up two young kids on your own when they were so young. It surely wasn't an easy task.
At the moment things seem to be all black as it out of our control. All I can say is that probably thorough out all these years, there were some joyful moments and you need to focuse on how they made you felt at the time.
I'm starting to understand that the mind is a powerful tool, but if you let just one ounce of joy in, it'll start to switch from negatives thoughts to happy ones. It will take time for your brain to see the world in a positive light, but you'll get there.
One of my H grief is that I'm very negative, and I'm now seeing that the glass is half full not half empty. I know for sure that I don't want to go back to that depressed, negative Pimouse.
Pimouse you seem so positive. I hope that you are able to remain that positive in your own situation. There were indeed many happy moments. I loved being married to my wife and never once imagined my life without her. It is very tough indeed to end the marriage as I still love her and wish that we could work it out. There has just been so much water under the bridge that I don't see how it could. Each day that my body further heals I get stronger emotionally. Soon I will have the strength to deal with the very tough move of going through the divorce.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Thank you for your kind words. Being on this forum has been the best thing that has happened to me. A few months ago I wasn't that strong, but I took each day as it comes and no longer live for the past or the future.
Would it be expected of you to heal that soon if someone dear to you passed away? No. You have been married together for 15 years, so my guess is that it'll take time to grieve.
It's good to hear that your body is healing, and that emotionally you are getting stronger. Like I was told here, one little step at a time. I know it's hard to keep the faith, but I do believe that out there is someone watching over us and guiding us through this rough patch.
My dad always told me that without hard work you get nothing. We need to work hard on us to be a better us and have no regrets.
