Recovery from cancer and separation

[shotgun]

Met with therapist for an hour tonight. She said that I have to wait one year after the divorce to start dating. Not sure I can do that one.

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Fifteen years ago today I started a new life with a girl that I truly loved. Now my heart is broken. Not sure if I will buy flowers or not.

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Spent the evening backing on guitar my s13 who is a musician while he played the mandolin and sang some old Carter songs. It really took my mind off of the sorrow of a failed marriage.

[asitis]

Met with therapist for an hour tonight. She said that I have to wait one year after the divorce to start dating. Not sure I can do that one.

Probably a better litmus test on dating: are you doing it because you are lonely and need someone? Bad idea. If W said she wanted to reconcile, would you drop OW and come running back? Bad idea.

Don't rush things, but at a certain point, you'll likely start getting a sense that someone is interesting to you. At that point you can start doing all the self-examination to see if you are ready to jump back into the pool. No sense worrying about that kind of thing until it happens.

For now, just heed your therapist: you won't be able to have a healthy relationship for a while, so avoid the temptation and focus on healing and where you want to take your life.

Besides, you'll be surprised how fast a year goes by and you have no idea where you're feelings will be at that point.

[asitis]

Fifteen years ago today I started a new life with a girl that I truly loved. Now my heart is broken. Not sure if I will buy flowers or not.

If you buy flowers, buy them for yourself, not for your W who left you while you were struggling through cancer treatment. Don't pursue.

[shotgun]

Thank you asitis. I am incredibly lonely. I'm trying to fill some of my time alone with work, friends and family. Our family has had so much turmoil that there are a few of us with alone time on our hands. Trying to get into a routine of hanging with my sisters. It's the human contact that I miss and missed during my cancer treatment.

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Ran 1 and 3/4 miles this morning. Did a plank for 60 seconds. Didn't have the strength to do another. I'm going in the right direction physically. A twenty minute workout is also twenty minutes that I don't think about my troubles. For those twenty minutes it all seems like an ancient nightmare and my family is intact and I never had cancer. Then I remove my shirt and see the scars and am reminded that it is all real and I must fight through the pain and rebuild my shattered life. Starting new job Monday and should be plenty busy and distracted.

[asitis]

One of my early fears was, who will want to get serious with a 50 yr-old divorced man who has had 2 cancers, one of which is almost certain to recur every 5-10 years, 2 young kids who are his first priority, and so on. I saw myself as broken, at least in terms of my attractiveness as a potential romantic partner. Then there is the how will I be able to let anyone into my heart enough to make a good partner.

Trust me, especially as you work on yourself, these fears start to pass. You start to see yourself as someone who is capable of having much healthier relationships & who is more attractive than so many of the other men in your age range who are facing the same thing but haven't done the work.

There are two other things to try in the mean time with regard to the loneliness. First, don't look just for people you can spend time, but for activities or groups you'd like to get involved with. What interests do you have that you could connect with others who share that interest. What things have you always wanted to do, or now that you have the freedom of time to experiment, sound interesting? What did you do when you were younger, but gave up due to the realities of work and family obligations? Are you at all a spiritual person? Is there a divorce support group in your area? Start looking at your surrounding area with that new openness to opportunities to do things with others.

Besides the human contact, if you are doing things that interest you, you are more likely to be attractive to others, because you will be happier and more fulfilled, and you will slowly (or quickly depending on your inclinations and introversion/extroversion) make friends around those shared interests. As you expand your network of friends and acquaintances, you will meet more people through them. And, when it comes time to dip your toe back in the dating pool, you will have both that network of people who know you are available and activities where you will meet women who share at least some common interest.

The second thing, is work on the feeling alone, the fear of being alone, and the feelings that to be happy you need to have a close romantic relationship to fill some void. This is work that probably is best done in therapy, and between the cancer and relationship problems is just a small chunk of the emotions you have to work on in therapy, but it is worth bringing this up with a therapist so that they can help you work through them.

[shotgun]

Thanks again asitis. It certainly feels as if my life is starting over completely from scratch. There are many things I would like to do more of. Most of which I couldn't get the cooperation of my wife or maybe it was permission that I was waiting for. The few activities that I hung on to were very much masculine in nature (shooting, hunting fishing) and facilitate very little female interaction. Would like to be more involved with counseling cancer patients and the local symphony and theater. I do hate the thought and feeling of being alone. Your point is taken about working on myself and developing an ability to have healthy relationships. The hardest thing for me to figure out is why I struggle so much in a marriage when every other relationship I have is so easy. Perhaps it's the type of girl I fall for. Through my cancer I came to realize just how many people cared for and loved me. It became an overwhelming feeling to accept all of the phone calls, cards and letters from so many people. I know that I must work out whatever it is that leaves me shorthanded in a marital relationship.

[asitis]

Thanks again asitis. It certainly feels as if my life is starting over completely from scratch. There are many things I would like to do more of. Most of which I couldn't get the cooperation of my wife or maybe it was permission that I was waiting for. The few activities that I hung on to were very much masculine in nature (shooting, hunting fishing) and facilitate very little female interaction. Would like to be more involved with counseling cancer patients and the local symphony and theater. I do hate the thought and feeling of being alone. Your point is taken about working on myself and developing an ability to have healthy relationships. The hardest thing for me to figure out is why I struggle so much in a marriage when every other relationship I have is so easy. Perhaps it's the type of girl I fall for. Through my cancer I came to realize just how many people cared for and loved me. It became an overwhelming feeling to accept all of the phone calls, cards and letters from so many people. I know that I must work out whatever it is that leaves me shorthanded in a marital relationship.

You never know on the hunting and fishing...

The struggling with M is partly that we are sold a load of cr*p about romantic relationships and bring all sorts of expectations into the R that we don't into other Rs. Further there is a level of intimacy, mutual interdependence, and the vows that are missing from our other relationships. The fact that you can take a time out from a friend, and that it is about mutual pleasure without the day to day mundane work and the feeling of being bound to each other, that make the friendship a lot easier. It may be a lesson about how you want a future romantic relationship to be: more space for each of you, fewer habits that underline the obligation/vows (like asking where the other will be, what they are doing, having expectations that they will be a certain way or do a certain thing because it is expected of them) and more of the focus on the mutual pleasure of friendship. Anyway, something to explore with a therapist and learn from so that you can do it better in the future.

I know the feeling on being overwhelmed by the support. Sometimes you just want to not have to be so grateful and play a role of thanking people and saying over and over and over how you are doing and feeling. If that is what happened with you, think about why you felt the need to play that role. Why not ask for what you really needed, thanks, but it would really help me not to have to discuss over and over how I'm doing. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate everything, just that I'm really struggling with having to keep going over something that is very painful to me to live through. So, I'd rather hear what's going on in your life...

Good idea on counseling cancer patients. That will both give some positive meaning to your pain and struggle around cancer, and one of the secrets to happiness is helping others. And, you will meet lots of interesting people who will be open to making personal connections in ways only the vulnerable can. Getting that contact from lots of people is a good way to not load too much of that need onto one person, as we often do in our romantic relationships. You may find that is one of your answers to being "shorthanded in a marital relationship."

Sounds like you have some good ideas on the GAL front to get started on. Next step is to take the initiative to find the opportunities. On the cancer support, just contact the center where you received treatment. They will know about the groups doing support and opportunities (they likely will have some need themselves that may not be exactly what you were thinking but would be a good start and way to find something more along the lines of what you'd like to do). The symphony & theater should be easy too, as they will have someone who coordinates volunteers, unless they are totally disorganized. Figure out which one you want to start with, and then set a deadline for when you will make that first call.

Cheers.