hey guys, thank you for checking on me. I have been running crazy...figuratively and literally
I have to admit that my trip this weekend had no 'clarification' that I kinda thought was going to happen. Expectations, right?
I don't know if I saw anything that i'd am concerned about. Maybe there was a smoke screen being employed, maybe just me being overly cautious and trying to see things that were not really even there. Not disappointed, just surprised is all.
my path right now stays the same as it has been.
I don't have a ton of GAL this week (gym tonight, Meetup game group on Wednesday) and then another get away day to see folks in Michigan this weekend with my family for the holiday).
Wish I had more, just don't have anything really new to report and I am at a loss right now for things to write (WHAT, that is so not Zephyr - although in real life, I am not that outspoken if you can believe that).
I guess I kinda do have one new thing, I have been trying not to use the phone when me and wife are together so much. I am trying to lead by example for a while to see how that goes with this. I figure it is worth a try...we will see if anything comes of this. the drawback is that I will likely be spending less time on these forums in the evenings
I took the kids to the pool and just finished guitar practice. I felt like trying to learn new song...just started with 'bright' by echosmith... Very fun song so yay!.
Otherwise am going to try to get some reading tone tonight
Seem's to me that you have plenty going on. Great to be doing so much and feel you are not doing a lot. That us good.
Glad weekend went well and that next weekend is another away trip.
Follow your path, keep doing what you are doing.
If you don't mind answering where is your wife now in relation to giving signs of affection. Recently you mostly post about you, which is where you should be focused but I was just curious. No obligation to answer.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Matt, the meet up is bring your own board games. So really anything goes....I don't bring any I just figure go with the flow.
My favorite games right now are Old school - chess, risk New - sentinels of the universe, xwing And we are big RPG gamers. Me wife & kids. Actually planned a trip a few weeks ago to go second weekend of July to a gaming con in Wisconsin to get s13, ready for gencon in Indy at the end of the month.
Roiste, I have been hesitant to post that only because I want to be sure of things a little more and I don't want to become complacent in my actions by . But since you asked...
Where is my wife in terms of affection....
My wife has been contributing to the family so much more than last bunch of years. Not only with chores, but just working together to manage things. She even set up a cool daily spread sheet for boys to do chores to earn game time. Another instance...on Sunday I was in the yard trying to catch up with work. I was 2 hours into yard work (took almost 4.5)...she came out and offered to mow the back yard while i was working in the gutters. I was floored...she hasn't mowed or even offered in maybe a Decade and a half...Wow, just WOW! (Acts of service)
My wife has been really encouraging me, complimentary, spoken appreciation for things I do, and supportive of my actions. She tells me all the time how appreciative she is of the things that I do. thanks me for chores, cooking, helping with her homework, etc. I know this has been something that I have made a honest to goodness concerted effort on my part to do, praise and gratitude whenever I can and show appreciation whenever it is deserved. It is contagious. I think that this was the biggest breakthrough I had was to realize how little appreciation I showed my wife over the years...in the way she wanted it expressed. I've been going strong with this genuine show of appreciation and gratitude for 8-9 months and she has been reciprocating really consistently since our trip to Florida back in april. I could type for a month about the different interactions between us in last few months in this category, but I will end this one here...two weeks ago, we went to wife's graduation ceremony for her BS degree (they only have one in winter and one in summer, she finishes in Sept. The whole time I could not be more proud of her efforts and resolve to follow through with this. I have typed and told her so many times. she actually came to me with her graduation stole and had written a nice note on the back and presented ME with it. It had basically said how appreciative she was for all of the sacrifices that I've made to help her finish this. how she could never have done this without my help and support. I could not hold back the tears. I had longed to hear those very words from her for such a long time. it made all of those sacrifices worth it. (Words)
I know I have been documenting my GAL activities pretty regularly, because this is important on my road to a better Zephyr. I think I have also posted how much of this my wife has wanted to be a part of. I have made real effort to go do things on my own too, which is good. My wife has been planning things for US to do together too. She almost shows a level of disappointment when I go. We still watch TV together (although I fall asleep too often when we do), but we are doing things as a family too...taking kids to the pool, game together, working out together, jogging, singing together in the car or getting ready for work, all sorts of different things. For years all it felt like is W wanted to get away from me or worse...wanted nothing to do with me, just do her own thing. She didn't want to 'give me the wrong impression' by doing things together or 'she needed space.' well I gave it to her and now she wants to spend it with me and I LOVE IT. It is not always, but I realize that is a good thing too, I really do for BOTH OF US. (Quality Time)
My wife has been picking up little things for me here and there, thoughtful items, nonsense items, asking if I needed items from the store and actually getting them (instead of forgetting or 'they didn't have what I was looking for'). She has picked up card for even the hallmark holidays that she never used to. the Xmas gift of guitar was so very moving to me, unbelievable actually how much so...still makes me smile every time I pick it up. The other day, she even spent two hours at the sporting goods store with the boys help picking out fathers day gifts with them. it was a bunch of swim gear for my training. stuff I would have never gotten myself. I went years without a birthday gift, anniversary or xmas gift. this last 6 months have been some of the most thoughtful gifts...and I really do appreciate them. (GIFTS)
So the physical side...there is real effort on my wife's part to show physical affection to me in the last few months. We have ML 4 times this month, which is a lot compared to the fact we had sex twice last year! It is not just sex. my wife reaches for me to pull me close from time to time, holds my hands, cuddles and similar things. Biggest thing here has been NO PRESSURE on her to do any of it. Sex is no longer an expectation from me, nor should it ever be...that is a HUGE lesson that I've taken from all of this. She needs to trust that sex is not an expectation from her, that she can share herself with me as an act of love and not something that she has to do because she is my wife. I will say this was not how I approached things when I got here, that is for sure. (TOUCH)
Now, this is not all happy unicorns and rainbows all the time, there are still lots of situations where it is very clear to me that this crisis is not over. There is still a chasm between us in terms of intimacy. There is still a wall between her heart and mine that I am hoping will be let down eventually, all I can do is be happy and respective and receptive to what she is willing to share. During sex there is still no passion or desire, there is no sharing of intimate details of her heart, she still uses resentment as a shield against me, there is guilt on her mind and I don't know as to why, she still refuses MC or IC, she still spends soooo much time on her phone with whatever (I know a ton of it is facebook - annectdote...one of the things I did learn this last weekend when we visited with this other couple...the both of this couple were on their phone CONSTANTLY, checking updates, texting other people, etc. I am not sure how much of what wife is doing is a filler or longing for more interaction with people or what, but I thought it was crazy how much time these folks were on their phones despite visiting with us, while my wife was in the now most of the time). There are other situations with a distance still being prevalent.
I know that this situation is not done. I still have work to do on me. I still have a life to live no matter what happens. I still know that my wife has a lot of work to do still on herself and she is actually doing some of it. It is so comforting to know that the rhetoric that she says is starting to match her actions and they are positive. We just passed 3.5+ years into this mess and it seems like so much longer. I want to say that my marriage...even as it is right now is better than it has been in a decade, and there is still a lot of room to grow. That tells me how low things really were and how far we have come. I need to stay mindful of what got us here in the first place and remind myself what is at stake everyday...complacency will kill this whole adventure together.
LOVE IS A CHOICE. HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE. BE GRATEFUL OF WHAT YOU HAVE AND WHAT WE ARE GIVEN EVERYDAY.
Thank you all for being here for me...I guess I did have something to say after all
Yes a huge improvement from your first posts. Your situation has improved and you have improved. Well done. The job is not done and there ate still no gaurantees but you merit a clap on the back.
Keep going with your marathon. Keep realistic and keep giving it your all.
Best of luck mate and enjoy the 4th of July.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Just two afterthoughts. Firstly I know people so into texting and social media that they text each other while in same group. Not suggesting that is what was going on but it is possible. Apart from that many people seem just to be addicted to being "connected" that they ironically disconnect from where they are and who they are with. Either way it is disrespectful and not polite. But look around, it is the way of our times sadly. I don't think you can put a boundary on that without being controlling. Your approach seems good or worth a try. Others suggest going a step further and go off and do something else. But not in a cold reactive way.
Secondly, if your W is still refusing C, it sounds like pressure. She would not refuse if you did not bring it up. Eventually to move forward and to really solve core issues something will be needed. But you cannot control that. Patience.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Eirinn, i have been tempering myself with all of this. There are still lots of cold days too where I see her give the dog so much more affection than I or she doesn't even try...so the process will take time. It will take all the patience I have left.
Roiste, thank you for your insight. I have asks wife twice since December if she wanted to go to Mc or ic. Last time was just a week or two ago. She has her reasons for not wanting to go so I will not push it.
Eventually we will need to but for now reconnection is necessary.
Today is going to be a beautiful day here in sw Michigan so I will be thankful for that. We have tons of options for things to do so not sure. I hope we can get to my favorite local brewery for a beer and lunch for my birthday.
I wish you all a safe and fun holiday weekend!!!
Thank you all again for ur support and understanding!
