I really appreciate you dropping by and framing it that way.
Any time, my friend, any time!
Hang tough and keep growing.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Just finished the 5 Love Languages. That would have been a BIG help from the start of our M. Holy smokes was I off base.
My W's LL was clearly Quality Time followed by Physical Touch. Quality time is hard to get when your H is stoned all day. Physical Touch she got a lot of, but I think was also smothering to her as the QT wasn't there. She would often steal me away from work or large gatherings and try to make time where we were alone and could have dinner on the beach or spend a weekend out of town. I thought maybe she didn't like our community but now realize she craved the quality that can only come from undivided attention.
Mine are Acts of Service and Physical Touch. Before my W got home I would clean the house, cook dinner, make sure that the dog was fed, and that our meals were planned out for the week. When she got home I'd want to hang out on the couch and watch tv with her cuddled up.
Because I wasn't getting any Acts of Service performed for me - I was taking care of them and then silently resentful that they weren't being taken care of in return - I leaned on physical touch. If we were driving, walking, sitting, or reading, I would want to touch my W in some way. Basically if she were home I was touching her.
One of her main complaints was that I needed her presence for my own happiness and that was draining. I now see this as not needed her presence, but actually needing her there so I could touch her. This put a lot of pressure on her to be "around" and since she is highly independent was a drain on her.
How frustrating in hindsight. All she wanted me to do was be present, open, and available so that we could talk, play cards, go to a dance class, or hike. It was the Quality that was missing, not the time. I never understood how could say we didn't have intimacy when we spent so much time going on handheld walks, or were curled up under a blanket together. Nine times out of ten I was stoned for these, so there was no real quality or connection.
When she left, we had a few dinners together and open communication and she told me how wonderful it was to feel me completely engaged with her and giving her all of my attention with clear eyes. This is now impossible to do though since we don't see each other.
How heartbreaking to realize that so much of our M could have been fixed with small tweaks and those small tweaks would have led to much bigger levels of happiness. I was certainly going about the M in a number of ineffective ways and not realizing that, just trying to do more of what wasn't working.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Wonka - I have an appointment tomorrow with an addiction specialist re: making amends with a spouse. He will be directing me to a couple that I can speak to as well.
I'll post after I talk with him tomorrow afternoon.
Thanks! PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Wonka - I have an appointment tomorrow with an addiction specialist re: making amends with a spouse. He will be directing me to a couple that I can speak to as well.
I'll post after I talk with him tomorrow afternoon.
Thanks! PP
Way to go!
Yah, that 5LL is a real eye-opener, isn't it? That should be a required gift at EVERY wedding reception.
Just finished the 5 Love Languages. That would have been a BIG help from the start of our M. Holy smokes was I off base.
How heartbreaking to realize that so much of our M could have been fixed with small tweaks and those small tweaks would have led to much bigger levels of happiness. I was certainly going about the M in a number of ineffective ways and not realizing that, just trying to do more of what wasn't working.
If only we knew then what we know now, right? M is hard and people are rarely equipped with the tools needed to survive. The sad part is we finally realize we needed those tools only when hit with something like BD.
Sometimes the only way we can see the light is to experience the darkness first.
'The Solo Partner' I'm finding very useful also. Goes into emotional reactivity, being defensive and the pursuit/distancing dynamic. I had issues with all of these in the M so its helping understand where they came from and how the arguments me and W had spiraled out of control from something stupid. I'm still reading through it, there are a few other chapters that may apply to me also.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Wonka - I have an appointment tomorrow with an addiction specialist re: making amends with a spouse. He will be directing me to a couple that I can speak to as well.
I'll post after I talk with him tomorrow afternoon.
Thanks! PP
Way to go!
Yah, that 5LL is a real eye-opener, isn't it? That should be a required gift at EVERY wedding reception.
Really loving this PP.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Just got off the phone with the counselor regarding amends Wonka & V.
He advised me to write everything out beforehand, and then go through it a few more times and remove anything that is projecting, blaming, or not taking complete ownership myself. This is not a confession, and not an apology, but a time to take ownership for the pain and heartache that I caused.
Due to the fact that it's my W and not an employer or a neighbor who I stole from etc, he advised me to try to put myself in her shoes (I have), someone who has had to alter the very future they wanted at one point, and the gravity of that. I am to go through it a third time and make sure that I'm speaking directly to what I believe her negative experience was, the level that she must have felt betrayed, minimized, and how the lack of true intimacy must have left her feeling alone.
I get it, it's a big "censored" deal - and it's not about me.
He's going to pass the name of a couple on to me tomorrow after he speaks with them that have gone through this and are still together. That will be helpful as well.
Talking to my IC today was interesting too. He was telling me that in the case of addictions there's a splitting of the persona per say and that making amends is the bridging of two worlds - the secret world of addiction and the real world people that have been effected by it. He says that it's extremely hard, but very healing for both parities. I certainly hope so. I have learned so much in the last six months and one thing is clear - one life is more than I can handle. Never again will I try to lead two.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Your post really touched me, too. You have learned so much and are quite an inspiration to me.
You've got this...Good luck sir!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
