Hi, just joined today and wanted to give an abbreviated story of my situation. I have been married to my h for 12 years and together for 14. We have a nearly 9 year old and a 6 year old.
In Feb. I discovered that my H was cheating on me. I had felt something was going on but wasn't sure exactly what it was. We had moved to a new town about 6 months prior and I was a bit lonely but he was a bit different too. Finally figured out that he had been having an affair (mostly emotional but there was physical too) for 4 months. I was shocked & devastated. After confronting him, it turned out that he had been unhappy in our relationship because he thought I was done with him... I had distanced and was doing lots of things on my own (book club, classes, staying up late every night after he went to bed) & he had actually thought I had cheated on him previously, before we moved. After I cooled down, I attempted to see the other side & admitted to being less than a good wife & attempted to make some changes.
Fast forward 2 weeks & I discover he is still talking to this girl romantically (who he works with as well). I confront him & I think he is nervous now as he takes a whole new approach- gives me access to all his devices & accounts, offers to go to counseling, etc & says he is definitely ending it.
We start counseling & begin to work through all the things that caused me to distance over the years, him to pursue me, and also the trauma from the affair. We were seeing a counselor who used Emotionally Focused Therapy and we were both amazed at the results. It was painful for my h to go through these rough emotions that counseling brought up but it was helping. After about a month, we were really starting to get back on track & had a good understanding of how things went awry. I still had difficulty in the trust area & that came up a lot but we were closer than we had been in a long time.
We worked through somewhere around 18 hours of counseling and my h decided we were done. Our relationship was doing pretty good except for the random surge of emotions I would experience related to the affair (which I didn't always voice in a healthy way). But we had a closeness that we hadn't had since before kids. It was really nice to take care of each other in so many ways. I hadn't realized how much I missed it.
About a month later, my h happened to go onto my computer (which was a first for him) and he saw a message between my sister & I. In it I made fun of him related to something that he had said to the OW (trying to make myself feel better b/c I was still feeling bad about this thing I had read). I also mentioned to her a fear that I had had about my h back when things were not good between us (when I had been trying to figure out what was off) and it put into question his care of our children (cannot say exactly what it was but it was not based on any evidence, he is a fabulous father... I had many fears that came in & out of my mind during the time I was trying to figure out what was going wrong).
So this has been the cause of our major backslide. He has been the angriest I have ever seen him over the content of this email. It has been nearly 3 weeks and he is still so hurt and angry, he refuses to let me back in emotionally/physically. For the first week or so I pursued him pretty hard. Then I backed off & did things intermittently. For about the last week, I've backed off. I finished reading the Divorce Remedy today and I am committing to putting that into place.
If we didn't have kids, he would be out of here. I think he might even still be contemplating divorce. He refuses to go back to counseling & has told me t never ask him to go back again (he feels like the whole counseling thing was so painful & then ended up being a waste because after doing all that and spending all that money, I've just gone and hurt him really badly).
I have great fears that he is back with the OW but am trying to keep calm about it (definitely not voicing any of these fears to him) & not snoop. I have also been trying to keep positive & upbeat as well as giving compliments and showing appreciation (I am horrible at doing this regularly). He is up and down with how he acts... sometimes he is cold, sometimes he is a bit warmer (like maybe how you'd be with an acquaintance), and then sometimes he is just angry and hurtful (usually when we are discussing the matter but this is not often at all now that I am leaving it up to him to address with me).
My big dilemma is this- with the Divorce Busting, it talks some about getting a life, doing things you enjoy in hopes of drawing them back. However, this is what I used to do... back when our relationship went so bad, I withdrew into things that were enjoyable to me. We just spent 18 hours & lots of money dealing with this issue in our marriage because it was my response to the pain I felt in our marriage. So would I go and purposely do something that has been so detrimental to my marriage in the past? So far I have attempted doing this by doing various things with our kids & telling my h that he is welcome to join us. But I really hesitate to get back into book club & other things I did in the past to escape. Any advice?
Also, i do not know what my 180 would be. Would this be a 180 from how I was before we went to counseling? Because I pretty much did a 180 in order to work on our marriage after discovering all our issues after the affair was revealed. Would it be 180 from how I initially acted when he read this hurtful message (I pursued him & tried to apologize, empathize, & get him to work through the issue with me)?
Thank you for reading and thanks for any advice you can provide! I am feeling so desperate ... this has been the worst year of my life.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you! I have read the DB book and am on board to do what I need to do to make healthy choices and stay positive and hopeful.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sorry you are here, but this place is full of great people, the more you read the better acquainted you will become.
Originally Posted By: hopeOK
my h happened to go onto my computer (which was a first for him) and he saw a message between my sister & I. In it I made fun of him related to something that he had said to the OW (trying to make myself feel better b/c I was still feeling bad about this thing I had read). I also mentioned to her a fear that I had had about my h back when things were not good between us
What did the message say? so we get a better understanding of why he says he is angry
Sorry you are here, but this place is full of great people, the more you read the better acquainted you will become.
Originally Posted By: hopeOK
my h happened to go onto my computer (which was a first for him) and he saw a message between my sister & I. In it I made fun of him related to something that he had said to the OW (trying to make myself feel better b/c I was still feeling bad about this thing I had read). I also mentioned to her a fear that I had had about my h back when things were not good between us
What did the message say? so we get a better understanding of why he says he is angry
Yes! I have disguised the book w/ a cover from another book & keep it put away. I have also cleared this site from my history & intend to only visit on my private web browser from here on out.
Originally Posted By: RG2000
Sorry you are here, but this place is full of great people, the more you read the better acquainted you will become.
Originally Posted By: hopeOK
my h happened to go onto my computer (which was a first for him) and he saw a message between my sister & I. In it I made fun of him related to something that he had said to the OW (trying to make myself feel better b/c I was still feeling bad about this thing I had read). I also mentioned to her a fear that I had had about my h back when things were not good between us
What did the message say? so we get a better understanding of why he says he is angry
I cannot really say the specifics... but it was very hurtful. And of course in his mind, he made it out to be bigger than it really was (this fearful thought of mine).
Originally Posted By: Matt777
Hope - I'm sorry you are here, but you are among friends.
My question to you - you said your H decided that you guys were done with counseling. Have you ACTUALLY forgiven him?
I was working to forgive him I I think I had made some good progress. However, it did consume me at some moments and this is when I would not act in the healthy ways we had learned to deal with it in counseling. I felt like we could have used more counseling but there was monetary concerns so I let him make that decision to stop.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Last night, h was acting a bit different... he called when he was on his way home from work instead of texting as he had been doing since becoming so angry with me. Then he came and sat where I was sitting outside eating dessert later in the evening. I was of course paying attention to these small things (especially after reading the book & knowing how to set small goals that would show me progress) but I wasn't willing to believe they meant anything because he has been up & down so much throughout the past few weeks.
Well then when we were going to bed, I noticed that he was facing my side of the bed rather than away as he had been. After I got into bed he said he wanted to talk to me about something & I was nervous but said ok. He said- I think I am starting to not be so angry about what you said. I was a bit in shock but I acted calm & told him that I was glad to hear that. Then I settled down to sleep. Then he said- I want to ask you a question. I was nervous again but said ok. He then asked me why I thought it was ok for me to remain friends w/ a guy on fb who I had admitted to flirting with when I expected him to have no contact w/ the OP with whom he had the affair. I told him that I had failed to look at it from his perspective and instead just saw this guy as someone I had turned down because I was married & someone who I had no desire for what-so-ever. (Last week this sore spot came to my attention & I swiftly unfriended this guy on fb... I really never had anything going w/ him.) So then he says, "Do you have anything you would like to ask me?" I then said, "Is there something I need to know?" He said no. Then my brain was screaming - have you started talking to the OP? Why have you friended her on FB? etc, etc. But I took a few breaths and decided that now was not the time. I needed to do the opposite of what I would normally do. So I said, "no, there isn't anything I would like to ask right now. But is this my only chance to ask questions?" to which he replied no. So then we went to sleep.
SO... things are starting to possibly move in a more positive direction. However, I am cautiously optimistic. I realize that we have undone so much of what we had recovered in our counseling and there is no way I can just jump back into things & I am sure he cannot either. My thought is to continue on as planned & as I have been doing for the last few days & wait & see. But I am already planning ahead... at what point should I address the issue of this OP, if they have had more going on, why he is friends w/ her on fb, etc? I am kind of thinking I should wait & see what happens ... see if he unfriends her (he only friended her after he became so angry with me & he also unfriended me on fb) & friends me back? Set a time to address it... like if he hasn't made changes on his own in regards to this in a week or should it be more of a discussion we have when/if he starts to make moves to be closer to me. Ugh. So many questions!
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
First, I am so sorry about the situation you are in.
It is often hard to know what to do when there are so many unanswered questions.
It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
Unfortunately paying for individual counseling right now is all I can get my h to agree to.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
