HI everyone, I can’t wait to start getting some advice from all of you. I have a long rough history with my partner. We are not married but have been together off and on for 13 years. He has 2 daughters and I have one 8,7,4 His children are with two different mothers. Throughout the years we have either been together not speaking or on one end of cheating or the other. He has cheated on me more than once and we have cheated on his other partners everytime. Our relationship has never started on solid ground.
I suffer from depression and had a terrible home life. (physical emotional neglect and sexual abuse by my neighbor) I know this will have not much to do with fixing my relationship I do know it increases my anxiety and depression. I am currently seeing a counselor on my own for my depression. I have completed reading DR and DB but still having trouble putting it into action. He started having an A with a friend of his best friend. I found it while going through his phone after he had picked a huge fight with me in June 2014. We had been fighting for about 3-4 months prior and both of us had threatened to leave. We agreed to make a decision in march of 2015 if he was going to end his relationship with her and work on our family or not.
During this time we continued to fight and I continued to beg persue guilt trip fight cry and tell him how much it would hurt the kids. I am the 4th woman including her mom that his 7 year old has lived with. His kids refer to me as their step mom and the kids refer to eachother as sisters. I have spent almost a year doing all of this chasing, begging and fighting. We still live under the same roof.
In March when he decided he did not want to leave her and did not want to work on this relationship I packed my stuff and prepared to move, was signing a lease within a few days. He kept reassuring me I did not have to leave he did not want to split the kids up during the school year please just wait until they are done with school. I finally agreed to this as it was probably what was best for the kids.. I had money saved to move and we just kept spending and spending. Now I have no money to leave. I struggle with the mixed actions vs the words. When we are getting along he will give me one armed hugs, sit with me on the couch (I lean on him) and watch tv, he will ask me to go on the motorcycle, we went on two dates, we share the same bed, we had been having “forced” sex I was pushing him, I can put my arm around him in bed but he will not reciprocate, we still take care of the kids jointly I pick his daughter up and drop her off for visitation, I watch kids if he is going out.
I even watch the kids/take them when he races cars on Saturday nights even though the OW is over there with him. We pay bills together, share money, have even talked about adding on to the house. We drive to kids activities together and sit together, we cook and clean together, he still has a sticker on his racecar it’s a heart with mine and the girls names in it, when I have asked what will happen if OW demands I move out or she is leaving he will say that is her loss I don’t plan on kicking you out. He has stated ILYBINILWY. We have dinner together as a family we registered the kids for school under same household, he has yet to tell the mothers of his children about the situation, on social media he has left it that we are in a relationship, the OW is also going through a divorce which stated after the affair happened but she has had many affairs on her husband also. Our kids have not been told this is all going on they will still ask when we are getting married and if we love eachother and we always respond with yes. He will ask if he can go do things like fishing. He has stated our friendship means everything to him.
I did try a few of the DB half way. I changed my ways for about a month, I was positive up beat, always sending messages thanking him for all he does for us, just telling him he is the sexiest man I know, how proud the girls and I are of him for all he does for us and saying I love you. He has never asked me to not say these things. in fact he would send smiley faces when I would send these messages almost like he was responding to them.
At first I saw no reaction then things started to change, he came home one Sunday asked if I wanted to go run errands with him I then asked if we could get dinner it would just be us. He agreed! The next week I asked to go on a date we went to dinner and casino. There was also a time he screamed at me because I did not tell him the ramps were not even for the car he did not ask me to help load the car. I simply told him I do not deserve to be treated this way and left. I then sent a message stating I was sorry he felt I needed to be treated like that. He later responded with im sorry and after I got home told his best friend he yelled at me and was wrong and how sorry he was and that he should have asked not assumed. He has asked me to come lay in bed with him and had been coming to bed early and just turning on tv and let me throw my arm over him. One time he did actual cuddle back. When we fight I will remind him he does make time to spend with me and he will say he doesn’t one example is this: he said he was going to take a nap if I wanted to come I could but his exact words were “I am going to take a nap would you like to come?
There was a little arguing as it was his bday and I wanted to spend it with him but he wanted to go out with OW. We ended the night on a good note. That night he came to bed naked something he has not done in over a year. The next week went smoothly he stayed home more often and instead of going out with her on Friday night for two weeks he went fishing with his best friend. The third weekend he went out. Last week we got into an argument because someone told him the mother of his oldest and I were talking bad about the OW. Her son was playing ball on the field right next to ours. He refused to stand by us and it blew up into an argument. He said he was no longer having sex with me, no longer hugging me, and he could care less about our friendship all he wanted was for my daughter and I to leave. This treatment lasted four days and I finally got him to give me a hug but no SL. He went back to being gone more and being distant. Things were calm though. Then yesterday we had a huge blow up I was anxious about a work situation I was dealing with and let my emotions control me I blew up on him and told his how crappy he was that he does nothing to help me and all the angry mean hurtful things. It turned into a huge argument where he told me he could not stand to be near me I just made it worse every day, he doesn’t care about our friendship, we will never be together again, he doesn’t want me in his life, he doesn’t care about me, he doesn’t want to be with me he loves her and just wants to get on with his life and make the necessary changes. He even suggested he would go take out a loan for me to leave and pay for it because all he wanted was me out of his life. He is pretty open with me about the OW and has stated her husband knows about it also. Her kids are involved in the affair and know what is going on our children do not. I have been trying to protect them from the situation. He has even gone and sat at the Other end of the stands at the races with her and her kids and I went and sat with his kids on the other. He will repeatedly tell me I can not tell him what to do with his kids but after I say no he rarely pushes it and usually lets me take them. They have only been around her one time. One of her kids will come over at games and sit with him which is really awkward. He does still hide some things from me though. He will not tell me where they are going when they go out, he will say they only have SL seldom, he will make sure I can not read his text messages over his shoulder, he will lock his phone, its almost like he wants me to know about it but not the details. Almost like ha im seeing her but not completely separating from you. In the beginning he told me he would never date her and take on her and her 4 kids, she is a SAHM and never worked. He is only working a seasonal job as he just finished college and I had let him SAHD for a year or two and only work during summers. He has said she gets around all the normal stuff. Now he states he cares more about her than our friendship, he loves her and they will “be together” someday and their relationship will not fall apart. She is completely opposite of everything he has ever said and of me. He said if I had more than one kid he wouldn’t work things out with me he doesn’t want that many kids, she has 4, im short and not girly girly, she is tall and never goes out without make up, I have worked since I was 16 she has never had a job except babysitting her best friends daughter for 100$ a week which she uses as her fun money. I am a hermit always at home with the kids she leaves her kids at home with her H and goes out every Friday and Saturday.
The OW still lives with her husband but im not sure of the circumstances there. If they have a SL share a room ect. The A has been going on almost a year! This scares me as they usually end when they are found out and usually within 6 months. This has exceeded both. Will this end? Do I just give up? How do I move past these last two fights and get back on track? Which technique would you recommend? I fear things may only be getting worse?
We had such a good month and now it is all ruined. I do not know what to believe or to understand how he really feels about either of us or what he is thinking. I am so hurt confused lost, angry, want to give up but want to fight too, unsure if I should try to leave or try to stay, whether I should keep watching his kids so he can go out and helping take care of them. I want to get through to him this is not ok but I also want to keep life normal for the kids. I want to scream and cry all at the same time.
PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE I FAIL! sorry it is so long we have a lot of history
Last edited by Cadet; 07/01/1508:18 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
He has 2 daughters and I have one 8,7,4 His children are with two different mothers.
Was this a red flag at all?
Originally Posted By: 4mykid
I suffer from depression and had a terrible home life. (physical emotional neglect and sexual abuse by my neighbor) I know this will have not much to do with fixing my relationship I do know it increases my anxiety and depression. I am currently seeing a counselor on my own for my depression.
So what are you doing about this besides seeing a counselor?
Originally Posted By: 4mykid
1)Will this end? 2)Do I just give up? 3)How do I move past these last two fights and get back on track? 4)Which technique would you recommend? 5)I fear things may only be getting worse?
1)It will end when you decide it will. 2)Do you want to give up? 3)Start DB'ing 4)Start reading the books, do the homework and learn all you can. 5) Things often times get worse before they get better.
Let's start here - you read both books, but then said you "tried a few of the DB halfway". There is no halfway. You either do it or you don't. And doing it means doing it consistently over long periods of time. All of the advice you receive here will hinge on you being on board to actually DBing as Cadet said.
Thanks Cadet. It was a red flag but then again I know how he is! We have been together off and on 13 years. The mother of his oldest he did get engaged to and then she cheated with his roomate and it was over. the second mom he was "seeing" chose to believe she was taking birth control and was pregnant.
I do NOT want to make excuses for him he could have protected himself and been smart about it! I was blinded by the love i have always felt for him. We have dated off and on since high school and when i was 16 I said he was my one and only. As for my depression I go to IC every other week and I am now on medication. I have been working on anger management and conflict resolution. I do feel my sessions seem to always jump to the relationship what is going well or what has gone bad instead of focusing on myself. I want to be a better person for myself and if it saves my relationship great if it does not then at least i will come out stronger. I do not want it to end hence the fact i let him "help"spend all of the savings so i could not move out to prolong the time i had to work on myself. I also figure at some point the OW will get tired of me being here and leave. I know harsh but I am starting to doubt it myself because it has been a year already.
I read the books in a few days i would like to start going back through them doing the homework and applying. I do feel things get worse and then they get better it is a huge cycle. the problem i have is the false hoe that it will reconcile because we always do. it has been a pattern break up for a while get back together and repeat. all with cheating involved.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/02/1501:25 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for read a ability
Matt777 I am in! I need to read and re-read to get some ideas. I was the angry mean person and i want to become the loving supporting partner.
I am unsure how to do that without pursuing though?! He loves being told how amazing he is and ect but that seems to push him away also. I am also not sure if his A will ever end since it is going on a year. It certainly makes me think. But then I bring myself back to we always end up together. then im torn between how much do I put up with? This is probably the hardest thing i have ever gone through. I want to keep fighting for my M to keep this blended family together for me and for the kids.
I do not want to put three kids through this again. I want to be a better person, friend mom, and hopefully girlfriend again. I am just so unsure of what to do! I know i can do a 180 and be kind! it seems fake though because of all of the resentment and anger.
I know a lot of my resentment comes from the cheating but some of it comes from I am always the one to take him back yet when i mess up he just wants to walk away. it also comes from i spent 2 years working 2-3 jobs while he was on unemployment or unemployed going to school. sure he helped pay bills with student loans but i was still the one keeping us a float making sure kids got to activities those were paid and he could still race. i never put my self first.
I always feel bad if i ask him to watch the kids on the days he goes out and i feel bad just to say no. i dont want them to think i dont want to watch them he always says he will ask his mom. so then i will look bad becasue i wont watch the kids even though i am home.
I have been belittling unsupportive mean hateful resentful controllingm distant ect i take blame for my part. i am just so unsure of how to change me! any help or ideas are more than welcome!
Last edited by Cadet; 07/02/1509:48 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for read a ability
4mykid - don't mistake not arguing or signs of affection as "getting better". These kinds of things don't just "get better" by themselves. The only way to break the cycle is to CHANGE your actions or reactions.
So, having read the books, what are your goals? What kinds of changes are you planning to employ?
I posted last night before yours showed up. I have a couple thoughts.
Make sure you read through the boundary cheat sheet linked in Cadet's post. You can't begin to work on your relationship while he's in an A with somebody else. There's no amount of nice or loving that you can be that will cause him to end the A. Being overly controlling or angry towards him will also drive him that way. So read that thread, it will give you much better advice than I can.
Matt777 a few of my goals: No arguing (his biggest complaint) when an conversation takes a turn for the worst i will walk away and reaproach subject later I will allow him 30-60 minutes after work before i bring up any hot topics I will listen to what he is saying not just do it my way (I like to control everything another of his huge complaints) I will let him know i appreciate his input
spending time together I will try to arrange a family or just us activity one time every two weeks
I will no longer ask where he is going or what he is doing with her
i will try to detach from the A situation and put a smile on my face and tell him to have a good time
I will help more with housework (he does most of it)
I will continue to send a compliment twice a week instead of everyday
Am I on the right track? I will take any advice to get going on this I want to be a better person for me and the kids if it helps us it helps us. I know with the pattern my expectation is it will end sometime 6 months from now or years from now and he will want to work it out so if i know how to be a better person maybe we wont go through this again.
changes: I will try to go out one time a month just me or me and the kids
i will continue to be kind and respectful
I will not snoop through his stuff
Spend more time doing things he likes to do (going out to garage to just to be out there while he is out there) running errands with him instead of for him
