Hi Ha, I would say nothing and continue to act 'as if.' I also wouldn't expect him to tell you if he starts (what you would call) an EA or a PA. In his MLC mind, if he began seeing someone else, he may see that as 'dating' or a 'new R' rather than an EA/PA.
Early on in my sitch, H suggested that we could get together as a family (he, SS and me.) I said no to that. I wasn't willing to spend time as a family when he was having a PA and I told him that. It may have 'harmed' my sitch in some way, IDK - but it was the right thing for me in terms of sanity. I might have spent that 'family' time hoping to attract him back. But here I am almost a year later and he says he is about to file for D. I must say, at this point, I truly don't regret having set clear boundaries with my H. He may not want us to be together just now - but he does tell me he loves and respects me.
So, I think in terms of boundaries, it is a case of keeping the focus on you. What can you live with? What won't you tolerate? What will maintain your wellness in a difficult situation? And act on this basis. You can't control what he does of course. But you can control how you are willing to interact with him given present circumstances.
Take care and good luck!
Last edited by Toots; 07/01/1512:14 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Days later I asked him to please let me know if he started PA or EA as a basic boundary. He said this was "all agreeable" to him
He won't tell you, so don't expect it. If he's moved out so he can see other women, he is ALREADY seeing other women anyway, trust me.
He's just not man enough to be honest about it yet -he'll think he's "protecting you" but really he's protecting himself from having to deal with the consequences of his actions.
Your best bet is to focus on YOU, on creating a life that you want for yourself, finding the parts of yourself that you lost in the marriage. He'll want to think you are just sitting there waiting for him to come back - a comfortable Plan B. Don't let him think that! let him worry that you might move on before he has made up his mind. Make your life look so interesting and fun that he wonders why he left it.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^Holla at kml with the spot on answer.
Ha,
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. There are so many fabulous people here offering wisdom, support, advice, etc.
Yes, I have heard about people wanting to date other people while married and made that announcement at BD. I don't say this to be harsh, but your boundary will be unenforceable. Your h isn't going to call you up and say, "FYI, I just hooked up with Emily and wanted you to know." Nope. Not happening.
I know it is such a challenging position, however, you really must focus on yourself. Your h is nowhere done, so don't expend a great deal of energy on reconnection at this point or wonder if it's hard for him to come back. He is gone. He is nowhere near any self reflection. Let him be. Focus on your financial safety and building the life you want.
It truly gets better. Hang in there:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
All that stuff ^^^^^ spot on. Not sure how long you have been at this but yeah .. your H out on his own ... consider him a teen who just went away for college, he will contact you for the usual things .. money, laundry, maybe to make sure he is still loved. But as many have stated .. he is out doing his thing where momma Hawho can not see it.
Couple things to keep in mind .. this is his crisis, his thing .. let him figure it out, its not your journey, you have your own, do not try to make sense of it nor think if I do this or that .. he will do this or that. Just know, the MLCr expects us to be just where they left us ... on a shelf, when we move they will react usually in some way ... spew, tempcheck, touch n gos ... read a bit and then read again till you know this stuff and can use it on the fly.
Just some quick tips....
Pressure: MLCrs do not care for it in any regard, just keep that in mind.
Time: this is not going to be over in weeks, nor a month or two ... its a very long process and there is no timeline on when it will be over.
So ... all you can truly do at this point, detach, live your own life and work on you, become the best person you can possibly be .. go out and experience life.
Can someone point me to info about an MLCer who remains living at home with kids in house? I have seen lots of info about what to do when MLCer returns home. I know Flowmom was in similar sitch. Any others or any resource links differentiating this category of MLCer?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Can someone point me to info about an MLCer who remains living at home with kids in house? I have seen lots of info about what to do when MLCer returns home. I know Flowmom was in similar sitch. Any others or any resource links differentiating this category of MLCer?
TrustingFaith I happen to know her and her husband is still in the basement, although he is starting to reconnect with the kids.
couldn't help but notice the boundary re letting you know of ea/pa. I thought I had the same boundary but w finally admitted OM and that it had been going on over 12 mths. fwiw I don't believe the 12 months either. She admitted ea to him whilst in the same home but moved out soon after. I have no doubt she probably moved out to be with him. They will almost never keep to this type of boundary. That's not to say he won't as every sitch is different.......also depends where he is up to in the process.
Re staying at home with kids I can't really help you sorry. Most sitchs I have read involve them moving out esp where OM/OW are involved. But sure there will be examples somewhere that others can point you to.
Forever young has done well with his W still at home but no OP and no kids. Principles remain the same regardless, focus on your life and kids, giving them space to figure for themselves.
Yesterday H said we should all go away for day; hours later said he did not want to go away. H suggested another trip (unclear if I was invited or if this was just just for him and the kids.) In a matter of 1-2 minutes he changed the plan completely at least 4 times. Then decided to do nothing! So opposite for him.
Then, I was playing a board game w/the kids and he seemed to be trying really hard to sit and the table with us all and talk. Seemed to be wrestling. He did manage to stay at the table for 10 or so minutes.
What is this wrestling all about? Does it mean anything? He notices the dog again and connects with kids more. Haven't seen this behavior yet.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
It means his is in MLC and his brain is going through uncomfortable and uncontrollable gyrations. Just let him wrestle, try to be non-reactive, listen, and validate. Keep your space and detach for your sanity.
On the boundary setting. The most you can ask for is do you intend to date or not. If they say yes, assume A will be forthcoming if not already. If they say no, it may or may not be forthcoming or already ongoing. See why everyone is giving you the, it doesn't really matter. The question is what will you do.
First, assume he is having an affair, so if you reconnect and begin having sex again, protect yourself.
Second, don't ask about his activities and whereabouts. He doesn't want a leash, he feels like you are constraining him/not letting him be who he can be, and he will resent and run that much faster if you try. So no more questions about As or OW.
Third, read & reread the detachment thread in Cadet's welcome post, as well as the other MLC resources. Then reread the detachment thread again.
Good luck, sorry you are here, and trust that you will not always feel this crappy.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I have not asked about OW, EA, PA, etc since a few days post BD #2, so around early April. As soon as I figured out it was MLC I knew it does not matter to ask.
I read somewhere that MLC is like a tornado ripping through your house. You have to get to a safe place until it is over. It is dangerous to come out before it passes. And, there is not point in evaluating the damage during it as the tornado is ongoing. Best to wait, stay safe, then evaluate the damage and plan your course.
This analogy is especially fitting for my sitch as MLC lives at home/never left but lives like another child.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
