Headed for Separation, Maybe Divorce

[RobS99]

Matt777- Thanks I needed that!

I can do it... 6 more it is

[asitis]

Hi Rob,

I'm not sure you are really reading of LRT or going dark. And, you aren't really doing either. What your goals are is to stop initiating contact unless it is necessary re your kids. When she initiates, be friendly & upbeat, but if it is a problem she wants you to solve, think long and hard about it. Is it a friend kind of thing or is she leaning on you as an H. The former maybe fine, but she doesn't want you as an H, at least right now, so don't be one.

On the in-house situation, go into a Rob space if she is in. Invite the kids in & play (w/ door closed perhaps), or do something you like. No moping. It isn't punishment for either of you, it's for your sanity and detachment.

Keep reading DR, and re-read the sections that seem esp. relevant to your sitch. Give your steps some time to work, see what changes in her behavior come about, then evaluate how to tweak the plan.

Good luck.

[RobS99]

I plan on re-reading Chapter 5 at lunch since I'm confusing myself quite a bit. I took the kids out for a nice long walk last night, that way we weren't home by the time she got home from work. When we got home it was time to get kids to bed, we were both in the living room playing with the children, but "distant". I was pleasant, not depressed, positive, and polite to everyone.

She asked me what time our therapy session is on Tuesday (1pm) and since she was leaving town to visit my sister and some family for weekend she didn't know if she would be back in time. It disappointed me at first, but I didn't say anything more than, "should I try and reschedule?" The little devil on my shoulder is saying "She doesn't want to work on this", the little angel is saying "She just doesn't want to rush home".

I know she is leaning on me as an H, but I'm not sure where my boundaries begin or end. Should I have come home with the kids last night and said "Here ya go!" and left? I feel like being a jerk is just going to push her harder away? For example, this morning DD woke up early since the T-storms were loud, she crawled into bed with W (since I'm living on couch). W had to get ready for work and DD didn't want to sleep alone while T-storms were going on, she brought DD to me on couch. W helped get daughter breakfast while I got ready for work, after I was ready for work I started cleaning the kitchen, putting dishes away and kept a smile on my face (again, things I wouldn't have done in the past). W kissed goodbye to DD and actually said "Have a good day" to me as she walked out. Now the past few weeks she hasn't said a single word to me on the way out. I'm not looking into any of her actions or behaviors, but now i'm questioning my positive/upbeat behavior versus going "dark".

Sorry, if I sound like a hamster going backwards on the wheel. I'm still trying to figure a lot of this out and keep my sanity.

I'll be scheduling my session with Jody today.

Thanks all

[asitis]

Taking care of the kids is not letting her lean on you as an H, it is being a good parent to your kids. That's not something you want to change. You want to be as available to help with the kids as you can. They need both of you, and there is nothing more attractive to your W as you being a good dad (esp. when you just get on their level and allow yourself childlike play with them).

Don't make demands on her or expect things from her that you would just expect as part of your H-W relationship. Don't jump in and take care of things that you always have to fix her problems. If she asks for help, give it consideration. Is it something friends would do for each other? Fine. Is it something expected in an M? Really think about it. Is she expecting things without reciprocating or consideration? Is she still doing some things as your W that for which what she is asking is a kind of reciprocation?

[asitis]

I wanted to add the caveat to what I said above. If there are things your W said you doing or not doing that drive her crazy, pay attention to those. Obviously, if she complained you don't cuddle, but she wants her space and isn't receptive, don't initiate cuddling. But, leaving your mail on the dining room table (one of my nagging defects) is something you want to practice to deal with.

Complaints of leaving something having to do with the kids always to her (doctors, play dates, whatever), start pitching in & stick to it. Don't go overboard to prove yourself to her (that doesn't work as she sees it as a shallow attempt to get her back and won't trust you will stick to it). Don't draw her attention to it, just quietly take care of it. She'll be watching, trust me. And, don't expect praise, thanks, or even acknowledgement. She may in fact seem angrier (she may be thinking why the h*ll you didn't do this long ago).

If in doubt, run it by us here.

[RobS99]

Ok, so I re-read chapter 5 and I'm not sure what I'm doing right or wrong. My WAW wants out, but hasn't "left" or filed papers yet. We agreed to a separation but that hasn't even taken place yet, still waiting on her. So here is my dilemma. Based on the LRT, I'm no longer pursuing (texting, calling, etc.), hounding her to talk about our relationship, trying to find out what she is thinking or doing, and things to "please" her. I don't think I've said "I love you" in almost 2 months even though I still do.

Yet, I'm not sure if my behaviors are correct. Let me explain, I'm being positive, putting myself and kids first, doing things around house to keep busy, minding my own business, having a smile on my face, and being polite. Maybe taking care of things around the house is the problem? Should I only take care household stuff relevant to kids and I? This was one of her gripes was my effort around the household. Maybe as somewhat of a 180, handling these things more? The interactions between her and I are very minimal (although I wish it was more, but I understand) in passing. I'm not acting needy or desperate (even though deep down inside I feel it).

Its only be a few days, so I don't expect miracles, even with IC/therapy. Jody and I supposed to talk on Monday, so hopefully she'll give me some direction.

Just lonely and scared right now....

[Matt777]

Relax. There is no step-by-step instruction guaranteed to work. The key is the concept. The "do more of what is working" idea.

So there's no need to over analyze which dish to clean. But I wouldn't do your wife's laundry. Or take her car for an oil change. Friends would clean each other's plates sometimes. Friends don't take each other's clothes to the dry cleaners. Make sense?

[RobS99]

That does make sense, but she has been doing "my" laundry oddly enough!

[RobS99]

Ok, I haven't been around much, been busy at work and trying to GAL. We officially seperated over the 4th of July weekend. She went away to visit "my" sister and niece (odd to me). Any interactions with the WAW have been about the kids. Unfortunately, they have not been positive but more "charged". I feel its my defense mechanism to be very closed when we are in this state.

So its only been about 10+ days, I'm not going to lie, but I'm really hurting inside. I can't get the image of her out of my head. I want to text her or call her just to hear her voice. I want to know if she misses me AT ALL. The only reason why I haven't done any of this yet is we agreed in marriage counseling that we'd "take a break" from our relationship issues and I'm worried of the negative response - "No, I don't miss you".

I'm a wreck, I miss my kids, I miss my wife. My stomach is in knots and my anxiety is higher than its ever been. I've been doing things to keep busy and my mind off things, but any idle time (driving, sitting, etc.) I'm thinking of her....

All I can think of during this time is she is confiding in another man to fill the missing void. I hate this feeling and I wish I knew how she was feeling and If she felt as crappy as I do....

I have I/C today for myself then going out with some friends after work. My anxiety kicks in because I'm worried I'll run into her with the kids at the event (its a slim chance, but it could happen).

Sorry I needed to vent.

[hopeOK]

So sorry, Rob. I can totally relate to that feeling of just being consumed with all the worry. I have problems focusing on tasks that I need to focus on and end up going back & forth, refocusing repeatedly in order to get it done. Going to sleep is another real issue for me. I have yet to find a good remedy for this but doing something for me that I enjoy is one way to combat it... reading something positive, listening to relaxing or upbeat music, exercise (yoga as well), etc. It is easy to sit and dwell and worry & over think everything (for me it is) but if I can force myself to get up & do something (even if it isn't something I enjoy, like cleaning or something) it helps. Also another thing that has helped me is to write everything out... all your feelings, anger, etc & just get it out. When I have done this I have had a good release and can stop worrying so much.