I don't know if I was right about that - because his death had closure. I think this sitch, with its layers and layers of loss has, at least for now, topped the list.
Hi my friend Dif,
I am so sorry to hear about your brother's passing. It doesn't matter how long it's been, you'll always remember him, especially on the "anniversary" of the accident.
I truly feel for you. I've had a few similar things happen to people I love, and I felt like you did (quote above). I agree with you 100,000% about the closure part. I think it is tougher going thru a D.
We all care about you so much and will do our best to help you thru this!
*Hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I just feel like the future is so gray and dismal today. Any kind of happiness for me is completely out of reach, it seems. It's almost too much to bear. I have passion for nothing... nothing I want to do, or care about. Glad I'm far away from the W so she can't sense my despair today. I hope I am able to get things in check before she sees me at lunch tomorrow.
This is exactly where I have been the last few days, Diff. I'm sorry you are feeling this way also. That despair and just not caring about anything at all, I can relate so much. Last night it hit me and I just fell in such a lifeless mood. W was around and I think it looked more like I was tired, but I didn't care. I even got a beer and sat in living room before she went to bed and started to drink. I just didn't care about anything at that moment as it all seemed so hopeless/lifeless.
Keep up that hope, things can always change. Even if they don't come back to us in the end we will be good anyway because of the work we have done on ourselves. Trust the process, its hard. SOOOOO [censored] hard, but we can do it.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Hugs and thanks to all of you... HeavyD and Bob for your good thoughts and hugs, PigPen for reminding me to lean in, and Fogg, for your sharp empathy. So sorry you are feeling like I am right now. I'd give anything for us all to be able to just leave this forum.
And yet, I doubt we would, because others would need us. There is a real love on this forum, even among people who don't know each other in real life. It's agape love, and it's powerful.
I am reading Deus Caritas Est this afternoon... Pope Benedict's first encyclical, and it's on love. It's really rather sublime, and this line resonates with me - and I imagine with many of you - right now.
He writes of agape as the "the experience of a love which involves a real discovery of the other, moving beyond the selfish character that prevailed earlier. Love now becomes concern and care for the other. No longer is it self-seeking, a sinking in the intoxication of happiness; instead it seeks the good of the beloved: it becomes renunciation, and it is ready, and even willing, for sacrifice."
While our WAS go off and pursue some vague notion of "happiness," we are the ones who really know what love is, and we live it. That is something for me to hold onto here in the midst of so much loneliness and pain. Thank you all for reaching out, and for your agape-like love.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Sure am having another tough day here. Glad to be at Mom's, was glad to visit with my brother, wife, and my little niece. But it's all so bittersweet... to see their loving and intact family, and so many years of growing and love ahead of them. I long for that, and it's crazy... I had such a loving and intact family so recently.
I really wasn't expecting the boys' departure to hit me so hard. But it occurred to me that they have been my first line of support through all of this mess. I know they are glad to be away from all the tension, but for me, it's beyond hard. When I go home this week, it will be to an empty house, except for when the W is there working or sleeping, which is mostly worse than empty these days, of course.
And now, the work will begin on our going separate ways from that home. I still have no idea where I'm going to go. I just know I'm going to be alone... so suddenly, and for who knows how long.
I just feel like the future is so gray and dismal today. Any kind of happiness for me is completely out of reach, it seems. It's almost too much to bear. I have passion for nothing... nothing I want to do, or care about. Glad I'm far away from the W so she can't sense my despair today. I hope I am able to get things in check before she sees me at lunch tomorrow.
I have a really hard time with this too. Any movie or show that shows loving interaction between spouses really makes me sad to watch. I also spend a lot of time with "our" couples friends, and it's painful to watch everyone seemingly so happy together.
I told my W at BD that I just couldn't understand what she was saying, and that I felt like if I could just....Shake her....that she would come to her senses. I'm sure we all feel like that, maybe every day. I just don't understand how everyone else can be so happy with their lives and so optimistic about their future, but MY wife isn't willing to work toward that.
Anyway, my advice is to stop looking so far into the future. Don't look towards the happiness for the rest of your life. Look at tomorrow - what can you do to make yourself happy? Then look at the next day. Maybe plan out for the week. But don't try to predict whether you'll be happy in 2025 today.....you have no way of knowing where you'll be then.
I'm like you....I'm not passionate about really anything. But that doesn't mean that there are things I like doing. I play games, I go to trivia night, I do things with my daughters....and so on. Use these as stepping stones to branch out, and maybe you'll FIND something to be passionate about.
Hey Matt... good counsel, thank you. And again... though it's good to know you get how I'm feeling about other "happy" couples, I sure do wish you and I could be counted among them instead of commiserating about them.
One thing I'm having a hard time with is that I've put my own passions and desires on the backburner the past few years. My W and I were building a life together, and our real estate business was going to fund it. So I gave up my own career and passions to support our joint endeavors.
And I was once INCREDIBLY passionate about what I did. I built a school for godsakes, designed a middle grades arts integration curriculum, on and on... I really loved what I did, and I spent up to 15 hours a day doing it. But my W and I had other goals, and I gave up a lot for those goals... my own house, my car, my career, my school, everything.
So here I am all these years later, without much to show for anything, because I have pulled back and out of our business, and feel like I need to start all over. At the age of 46.
I agree it's a one day at a time sort of game. But at the same time, I have given up A LOT to find myself in this sad sort of situation. My fault? Absolutely. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.
In any case, I bought a new shirt in a color that's a bit bolder for me, and plan to wear different glasses for the lunch with my mom, the mortgage lender, and my W tomorrow. Following my DB coach's advice to shake things up in the appearance department.
This should be an interesting meet up. Will keep y'all posted.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Actually getting a little nervous about this lunch. I am really planning to just STFU and let everyone else do the talking. I'm sure W is uncomfortable about the whole thing, too. She senses a plot afoot for some kind of confrontation. Nothing could be further from the truth, but as anyone who is following my sitch knows, that's what the OW has set her up to believe.
Would appreciate good thoughts and prayers from anyone here inclined to offer them today. Lunch is at 12:30pm eastern time. Thank you...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Also... I know the OW is very busy bringing my W into her circle of friends, introducing her to family, presenting themselves as a happy new couple. Not that there is anything I can do about that, but the more the W is ingratiated into the OW's world, the longer become my DB odds, I think. What do you all think?
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Make sure you're a part of the conversation. Light and breezy. I think if you sit too far back and totally STFU, WW will think you're siccing the others on her.
Well, the mortgage lender had to postpone the lunch because of a medical situation, so... so much for all that today. Half disappointed, half relieved. But it's all in God's hands. Another time.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Ah well...another delay in the mortgage world. Yeah, you just have to trust that God/Universe is working all the moving parts behind the veil for everyone's highest good.
Originally Posted By: DifRent
Also... I know the OW is very busy bringing my W into her circle of friends, introducing her to family, presenting themselves as a happy new couple. Not that there is anything I can do about that, but the more the W is ingratiated into the OW's world, the longer become my DB odds, I think. What do you all think?
Don't let that lull you into complacency. We have had situations where many WAS moved in with the OM/OWs and lived together with kids etc. Only for it to blow up because that so-called fantasy bubble has popped quickly due to day-to-day grind that puts a serious hamper on the on-going fantasy which reveals true personality characteristics of the OM/OW that causes the WAS' eyes to open up.
