Thanks for sharing, Bob. Always so thoughtful! I hope you are doing well! ------------------------------------------------------ I read somewhere that someone going through a sitch like this on here, put a rubberband on their wrist and snapped anytime they started focussing on their WS/MLCer too much. I started this today and it seems to work!!
Hi BW,
You're so welcome...thank you for the kind words. I'm a little "down" today but otherwise doing well. Thanks for asking.
I hope you don't have to snap the rubberband too much. OUCH! LOL
Take care - *Hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
H just left for three straight weeks. That means a gift of time/opportunity to solely focus on my goals for the summer and find the strength and mindset to let go of him. I know I need to let him go if I want any hope of saving my M.
Today, I still found myself hurt that he made no attempt to spend time with me this weekend before he left. He did not even bother to say good morning today. I walked in in the kitchen and nicely told him to have a good trip and then took off to walk the dog. I did not want to be there when he drove off and did not want to make it seem I was hanging around this morning. I barely got a response from him.
So, for the most part it is still status quo. He is still ignoring me and making no effort on his part. As much as I try, it is constant effort to not take this personally, but sometimes do. Maybe not as much as in the beginning. Maybe in his mind or current state he does not realize how harsh and cruel his behavior toward me is or maybe he does. Who knows. I cannot spend my time worrying about it. I know I have not been the perfect wife, but I also there is nothing that I have done to be treated this way. It is not about me, but him. He is having an active A, so this behavior is right on par. I have to find some way to get over this and no longer let it affect me. Hoping this 3 weeks gives me the strength to get there.
I have a nice full week ahead with work, bootcamp M-F, Meetup on Wedneday, holiday on Friday, 5k, BBQ and fireworks on Saturday. I just need to plan out the other two weeks with more activities. I do have one art class scheduled.
Glad you have your time filled!
Don't take his behavior personally, it's about him, not you. If he's distant, it's because he is hurting and needs to keep distant in order to not feel the pain. He probably withdrew right now to not deal with the difficulty of leaving.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Having a pretty good week with H gone. I feel like I have been sleeping through most of the night and getting some much needed rest. I have been mostly feeling content and happy, but there have been a few moments of sadness here and there. I do notice that I am able to snap out of the sadness quicker than during the first few months. Yesterday, I did find myself questioning why the hell I am trying to save my M with an H who has cheated, treating me as if I don't exist, and showing very little signs in the way to fight for us. Do I really want someone who has so little regard for our M and me? Is there really this fog that people keep talking about or is it just an excuse? It was also fairly short lived.
The past few days have really been mostly about me. I have been working out, had an impromptu girls night out to watch soccer game, started my own meetup group (already have 11 members!) and reading about low self-esteem. It's only Thursday! I still have my 5k, BBQ , and fireworks to go.
Regarding low self-esteem, I realize now how much it has contributed to some of my negative behavior in my M. I know my H is suffering from LSE right now as well as he has told me as much. I think for me, my LSE was dominant when I met H. I was in a very good place with career, friends, and self at that time. Once we married and the M was not as easy of a transition as I was expecting, self-doubt started to creep back in. Finding out that your H is using porn, waning emotional connection, etc. all made me feel that maybe I was not enough for my H. On top of that, I went from a very active job to a desk job, which was a factor in gaining weight. As protection from fear of abandonment, I started to shut down, withdrawing, and projecting my low self-worth on to H. I realize I have a great deal if work to do in this area. I think both my H and I let ourselves become people were are not very happy with. While I see that is my own issues that I need to solve, my H thinks it is our M and me that has made him that way.
I had not heard from H at all, so I thought I would reach out this morning and send text/photo of our dog. H seemed to get really emotional the night before he left. He had bent down to love up on dog(I have not seen him do this for at least a month or more and he LOVES our dog) and it appeared he got teary-eyed. Just sent text saying I thought he might be missing him. H sent enthusiastic text back saying he was and thanks. I asked how everything was going and he sent photo of him from his trip and indicating all was good. I just said, "nice!" It was all very light and not about me. Hopefully, that was not too pursuing.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
On a roll this week. Going for a hike this evening with with a friend. No sitting around wasting the summer away for me. I have made a commitment to myself that I am going to try and enjoy this summer as much as I can given the circumstances. I am not going to waste a summer away because of my H.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
On a roll this week. Going for a hike this evening with with a friend. No sitting around wasting the summer away for me. I have made a commitment to myself that I am going to try and enjoy this summer as much as I can given the circumstances. I am not going to waste a summer away because of my H.
Good stuff BW05. It's so hard to be motivated. I've found trying to figure out GAL activities so difficult. Any chance for personal enjoyment seems to be a good goal.
Me: early 30s Her: same M: 5+yrs T:10+yrs D (2): under 10s OM PA - Began Apr/15 A Discovered/ILYBINILWY: Start of May Removed ring: End of June
Matt and T33, thanks for stopping in. The silverlining for me, at least part of it, is realizing I spent too many years away from being the real me. I just became a lump and lost my spark. I am sure I became a pretty unattractive person to be around. I think it got buried in work, my M, resentment, unhappiness with myself, and on and off depression. Unfortunately, my H thinks he made me unhappy and vice versa, which is not true (at least for me). It was our circumstances, but not necessarily H. Hope to get that spark and joyfulness back by the end of summer. Have to get out and start doing what I love to do. She there somewhere.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Someone wrote a while back "this can be the best year or the worst year of your life. But either way it's going to be the hardest."
Good on you for trying to make it the best!
That was my buddy's line. He came home from a business trip to an empty apartment. When I told him my wife had left he passed it on. Probably the greatest thing I've heard about 2015, and most true.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
So, true. Life is really what you make of it. I also try and remember that there is always someone who has it worse than me. To me, at minimum we will save ourselves, but we also have opportunity to save M. Either way, we win. Obviously, we all want the latter. Saw a quote recently reasonated with me:
"Challenges are what makes life interesting. Overcoming them is what makes life meaningful."
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Even with lots of GAL all week, the past two days I have really struggled. I have been missing my H like crazy, so lots of tears and meltdown last night. Ok, part of that was because I had a pie catastrophe---major baking fail, which never happens. I threw something because I was so hurt, angry, and frustrated so now I need to do some patch work on wall before H returns from trip. Really upset at myself for not controlling my emotions better. I guess it is because of the holiday and so many around celebrating with family. I know he is actually working today, but trying to understand how my H can continue to ignore me as if we were never married and together for 14 years. So unbelievably hurtful. No texts, no calls, no nothing. I am sure he has time to text and call OW. This is really not the life I deserve or want for myself, but I have to preserver. Need the tears to stop...I am a mess right now. Ok, on to the good....
I did run a 5K by myself this morning. My friend twisted her ankle hiking, do she had to bail. Proud I still went on my own. I think my time was around 33 mins, so not to bad considering how warm it was at 8am. Relaxed a bit on the patio. Heading to friends BBQ and fireworks later. The day will get better.
Happy 4th of July!!
Last edited by BW05; 07/04/1507:21 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
