I think a majority of her unhappiness is/was my negativity during her years as a Medical Student and Resident. I was "Mr. Mom" always taking care of the kids because her schedule was crazy. I won't lie and say that I'm not jealous of her career. Her career as an ER physician is very rewarding, whereas my job is a very "thankless" job. I'm sure seeing how confident and happy she was in her job made me feel irrelevant. That't not her fault, but my behavior didn't help. The stress of my 8-5pm job, her ever changing schedule, and taking care of the kids (4 & just turned 1 year old) when she wasn't around made me negative. I hate saying "resentful" but that's the truth when looking at it from the outside in.
After we were married and had our first child she went right into ER residency. There was never much time for just "us" to work on our relationship.
She thinks I can't change, especially after the turmoil the past 3 months. I want to change not only for my family, but more importantly myself. I get that its not all my fault, she never told me my negativity was bringing her positive feelings down. She claims she did, but I never picked up on the hints.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I think a majority of her unhappiness is/was my negativity during her years as a Medical Student and Resident. I was "Mr. Mom" always taking care of the kids because her schedule was crazy. I won't lie and say that I'm not jealous of her career. Her career as an ER physician is very rewarding, whereas my job is a very "thankless" job. I'm sure seeing how confident and happy she was in her job made me feel irrelevant. That't not her fault, but my behavior didn't help. The stress of my 8-5pm job, her ever changing schedule, and taking care of the kids (4 & just turned 1 year old) when she wasn't around made me negative. I hate saying "resentful" but that's the truth when looking at it from the outside in.
After we were married and had our first child she went right into ER residency. There was never much time for just "us" to work on our relationship.
There is a lot in here that I hope you are working with an IC on. And how happy are you now and how happy were you right before the BD? You own your own happiness and might need to use this time to figure out what makes you happy.
Originally Posted By: RobS99
She thinks I can't change, especially after the turmoil the past 3 months. I want to change not only for my family, but more importantly myself. I get that its not all my fault, she never told me my negativity was bringing her positive feelings down. She claims she did, but I never picked up on the hints.
Sometimes, WAW just wants things to be different. This from your original post seems to indicate that: "As she grew into career she became "Stronger" and realized that the issues we had were nothing she should have to deal with, therefore the BD."
Lots to be positive about here Rob. The change starts with you, and as you indicated, it needs to be for you.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Glad you are reading DR & have Jody coaching you. As Matt told you, don't beat yourself up for things you did 3 months ago and talk like you ruined chances then or now. This isn't baseball, where you get 3 strikes and your out. Almost all of us started off doing the wrong things.
On the ring, don't rush the decision, as you will likely go back and forth for a while as you wrestle with it. You can read my thinking in recent posts on my thread about it if that helps, but remember I went back and forth for weeks, and that was a month after BD. Nothing needs to be decided quickly. Nothing. Next coaching session, run your thinking by Jody on the ring decision. She helped me with that.
As she probably pointed out, you are in the dust settling phase, where you can only focus on your actions and words. Almost everything you do will be unilateral at this point, and you will see little to no reciprocation. Don't expect it. Just focus on reading, identifying your goals and baby steps and plan, esp. the GAL plans and goals.
Good luck & keep up the good work.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Last night a very close friend of mine left for Cedar Point (Amusement Park in Ohio) for the weekend which is about 3 hours away from home. It was nice to catch up and reminisce about the good Ole days. Went out after we got to the hotel, had some drinks and called it a night. Today because the weather is so crappy we haven't gone to the park since none of the coasters are running. My WAW sent a text message because she needed an answer to something at home. It was very difficult to only reply with a simple answer. Before the BD we could text about the most irrelevant stuff. I would lie if I said I didn't miss that. So, since there really isn't much to do because of the weather I find myself thinking about her. I want to reach out and message her about the kids and what she is up too. But, I'm trying to give her the space and distance that we need.
Hopefully the weather will soon clear off and I can get the adrenaline rush to get my mind off things.
Trying to keep my mind occupied with other things and activities, boy is it tough. The weather ended up messing up our Cedar Point day, so we went to Cleveland, hit the casino and hit the bars. It felt good to "dapper" up and go out. As much of a good time I had all I could think about was my WAW. I kept thinking she'd have fun if she was here with me. It didn't ruin my night by any means, but I find myself thinking about her. I really wish there was something I would be able to do to reconnect, but I know that's not part of this process and I have to leave her alone.
As I sit here while my buddy drives, I'm looking forward to seeing my kids. I'm rehearsing in my mind how the conversation will go if she asks about my weekend since she really didn't know what we were up too. I think if she asks I'll say "We had fun." and leave it at that. I'll find a quite place and continue reading DR.
I think if she asks I'll say "We had fun." and leave it at that. I'll find a quite place and continue reading DR.
Hello Rob,
That sounds like a good reply to me. And, yes, please continue to read DR. Hang in there!
I wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
After I got back from my "weekend getaway" WAW told me she was going to visit my sister for my niece's first birthday. W said she wanted to bring our kids for the birthday party and see my sister which seemed very odd to me. So I kindly asked if I could go as well, of course her response was "I don't want to ride in a car with you for 6 hours". I was cordial and said "That's fine, I'm going to go out of town anyways". Her response, "Where are you going?", my response "Out of town". W immediately went from inquisitive to angry since I wouldn't tell her where I was planning on going. Now begin the back and forth arguing; I kept my cool and did not raise my voice, I just said "You told me 2 weeks ago you didn't care about where I was going or what I'm doing. Why does it matter now?". Her response "I wanted to know where you were going, doesn't that show I care, but now I don't since you are being rude". I eventually told her, I'm going to Las Vegas to get out of town. I'm so confused by all of this.
My plan was to go to Las Vegas for the 4th of July weekend and just have some fun for myself. After talking with a few of my friends, their thought was to hold off for a couple of reasons. #1 - The cost #2 - It could be used against me if the D goes through #3 - It shows that I'm willing to be "frivolous" which may make W upset
My justification revolves around #3, I'm not trying to make her upset, but I'm trying to have some fun for myself. I'm trying to GAL while detaching. I'm not going to Vegas to start a new relationship, but have some fun and meet new people. However, #1 and #2 are my reasons for not going now. Instead I'm going to go to Niagara Falls, CA since its only an hour away and will save me about $800-900 in airfare.
It's easier to follow if you keep it all in one thread. Hopefully Cadet will come in and clean up!
Anyway, I'm confused as to why you asked to go with her and then immediately followed up with "I'm going out of town anyway".
I'm all for GAL activities. I think they are super important to this process. But they are for you. It doesn't do any good to tell your wife what you're doing - the point is to be mysterious, not to rub her face in it. So why not just say "ok" when she turns down the drive together and then go to Vegas (or wherever)...? It comes across as vengeful back to her since she wouldn't let you go with her. Instead of her being interested in what you're doing, it comes off like you're trying to punish her by doing something "better" than what she's doing.
I don't know why I asked to go with her, I guess my immediate thought is, it's "my" sister (family). I wasn't trying to rub anything in her face, I just wanted to make sure the kids were cared for on one of the days I was leaving, but I can see where things come across as vengeful. This is what my problem has been.
I don't agree with the fact she is visiting "my" family member amidst all the turmoil. These are my blood relatives and when she "walks" out of my life, why does she need to be with people that I lean on and feel comfort from.
As it goes at this point, I don't think I'm going to go this late since the cost for flights is extremely high. Should I even say a word anymore about this? I will probably go to Canada, but "mums the word".
