hold on! - 10

[u-turn]

So W informed me last night that her DUI charges were reduced to reckless driving in court yesterday and she's through - besides fees, and 10 hours of class. She paid her lawyer another 1000 out of our common account.

I have mixed feeling - relief, but I also feel like this is another point that makes W feel powerful and invincible (I know - mind reading).

I am worrying about my fins (I am going to start using fins if I may V - thanks ). She is spending money on these things which is a necessity for her - she isn't really holding back on shopping though. This, while I am now intercepting the mail and discovering past due bills, disconnect notices for utilities....... I am paying for these things and more 100% from my accounts just to catch up.
----
She texted me earlier while I was out biking (thanks RAI!!) asking if I wanted to go to a concert that she got tickets for a long time ago - something that we usually go to every year.

Sure, she's thinking of me. Would I like to go? - not really (it's something that I have done in the past because she wanted to go). Do I feel like she wants me to go for her image (we go with a group, including her former boss). Should this be an olive branch moment, when I still feel like we are nowhere? I am thinking not.

I know - newbie question, but.......

We don't even talk - how can we go to a social event like this. I feel if we were even remotely working on us it would make sense, but the way we are right now? (cake)

[u-turn]

strike the last part of that post - of course I'm not going

just responded to W:

what's wrong - can't take your d-bag, family-man-of-the-year, fwb to this one? Might look bad to your former boss who hates his x-daughter-in-law for doing this same sh!t to his son.

Don't you remember that you would prefer that I was dead?

----

kidding - feeling a little punchy today.

[RAI]

Is it an event that you like to attend. you don't have to NOT go just to spite her. I have gone to events with W and not exchanged a single word with her. Heck, I do it every weekend at synagogue (probably should not have said heck and synagogue in the same sentence - also a bit punchy today). bottom line, go if you want to go. Don't worry what she wants.

I like your phony response because it is sincere and what you were really thinking. Too bad we can't use it

RAI

P.S. Way to bike! That's what I'm talkin' about! I have a run date with friend at 9PM,weather permitting.

[u-turn]

Thanks RAI, this is not an event that I would care to go to. I usually go for her to be with her and see her have fun. So not going is not going to make me feel bad about missing the event.

Besides, I am worried again about bad memories of last year's concert where she was texting OM about rather being there with him (caught her doing that) - ouch

So - this year I'd be going for the betterment of our situation. But I feel that will not work.

---

rode 16 miles today - sadly it was the first ride this year - was taking 30 mile trips at the end of last year. I have the taste and want to go again.

Hope you get your run in - I beat the rain.

[Bob723]

Hi U-Turn,

I just wanted to stop by and see how you are? It's been a while since I posted in your thread. I'm sorry about that--I haven't forgotten about you.

You brought a huge grin to my face and I LOL with the phony text! I agree with RAI, I liked it because that's probably how you really feel. Who can blame you?

Hang in there, please. You can get thru this and will.

I'll say a prayer for you tonight.

You're friend,

Bob

[Vanilla]

U

A polite "thanks but no thanks". ( your mock response made me giggly)

You really don't need jerking around.


The 1,000 from the joint account? U that is her issue she needs to repay it. As for past dues take the cash from the joint account to refund the stuff you are paying out.

Does the joint account have overdraft facility. If so careful........

Look after YOUR fins.

V

[u-turn]

Thanks for checking in Bob - you are a great friend to so many on these boards- you are so generous with your kind words and prayers to everyone.
Thank you - Peace to you.

Thanks V:It seems that she doesn't have her own account, there's my account and the common account now. So I still see any money that she spends. It is getting very complicated to keep track of who's paying what. The common account is very near empty until her check goes into it.

I am trying to pay for all of the past due necessities that have my name on it and others (utilities, school, phone) plus s17s auto repair (safety issue) groceries, house repair items) because what choice do I have. She has been buying some groceries, and now all of these legal fees - and still nails, clothes....)

not complaining, I am thankful for having a job, ways to pay for these things, and I really for knowing it is my responsibility.

I am worried about my fins and it is going to get worse. I have been stepping up my business and that's going ok right now.

----

journal:

Earlier in the day today, while I was walking the dog (when I do some of my best thinking), I decided. I am going to retain the L and begin the process. I really feel that it is the way. It isn't a reaction to anything current, just accumulation sht I guess. I feel like I can put us all out of our misery this way.

and I was reminded somehow of something that happened to me when I was probably 10 or 11. shortened story - skip ahead if you'd like: I was hired to mow my neighbor's lawn which was really overgrown. While mowing, I ran over a (nest?) of mamma and baby rabbits. Mamma got away, but I had 7 dismembered but live baby rabbits that were suffering, and being 11, I panicked a little and made the decision to end their lives to help them, to remove their pain. I ended up killing them all. Looking back, maybe I should have decided to patch them up, nurse them to health, but in that instant, I didn't make that decision. Sounds trivial, but I think I was truly affected by this being 35 years ago and still very vivid.

but anyway

Last night's spew about ordering pizza was a good topper - she ramped up to 11 and threw her phone when I asked her if she was ordering the pizza or should I. Her antics made d15 cry and leave the room. (and this is over my control and dragging the kids into our situation - as she states). yikes

----

Well - turns out that the concert was tonight not last night. so she asked me again and I said no. she stewed about that and went to the concert. She later texted me (I am not going to put the whole exchange but maybe the highlights - though it really didn't go anywhere except that she just wants me to be her friend)

w:you refuse to have any civil relationship, you have no desire to be friends.
w:you put the kids in the middle of it
w:you cannot even look at me
me:I'm sorry you feel that way - I don't know how you think I am putting the kids in the middle of this
w:you have and do not even realize it
me:the kids are involved whether you hide it or not. again you seem to blame me for everything(not exactly validating)
w:No. I've told you 100 times I will take all the blame for the destruction of our marriage - put it on a billboard if it makes you happy.
me: tell me how we are friends. I'm not sure I understand that. I am civil and will continue to be, I am just moving forward - yes it does affect the kids.
w:our marriage was over and anything going forward would need to be new - I though we agreed to that
me: we did - relationship was over, marriage was not. This three headed version of new does not work for me. and being changed to a buddy does not work for me.
w:It's pretty sad when you won't even try to be my friend and go to a concert
me: it is sad, it is all sad. do you think any of this makes me happy? You have not treated me as a friend.
w:*****you have shunned me and shamed me.
me:it is not my intention - it must hurt to feel that way
me: I am just trying to move forward
me: I'll ask again what has changed in the last 18 months, 12 months, 2 months. I see nothing.
w:ok

It then tapered off into her thinking it was a circle conversation and me saying it's not, and me saying she is just avoiding and not addressing any problems.

w:okay!!!!(her version of walking out of the room)

I know - stupid to even get into a conversation like this, seeing that it is the only conversation that we have had in 2 months.

I love weekends

[JellyB]

Hey U,

Glad to see you posting!

Wow that incident with the rabbits, aged 11. I can see how that would leave a legacy of some kind. Interesting those moments from childhood that pop up through this process. I have had many myself recently, I was a small child 5-10 years who spent a lot of time in hospital. A few triggers for me recently.

As for your text exchange with your wife, I can only imagine how it feels for both of you to feel so misunderstood. A million times a day I attempt to get my head around my exs perspective of me, of us and his actions. I am at a loss and coming to the conclusion that it is not my business to understand, but more to just accept for my own sanity. I hope you have more peace for you and your children, in the coming days, weeks months.

Ps ups to you for not losing it with your wife about the money for the lawyer. That would have tipped me completely, that's just taking the proverbial!

Anyway on a more positive note, to hear you taking about your cycling, You have been planting seeds for me about getting back on my road bike. I haven't really ridden in over year. Ex killed the joy for me. I have two road bikes and a mountain bike and have loved cycling in the past. It was a form of therapy in the past, but cycling all got mixed up with ex. Maybe I can find my joy for it again. You have been doing some good miles for starting out, makes me a little envious.

Anway thinking of you. Be well xxxJB

[u-turn]

Hey Jelly - I hope you are feeling better - (I am taking a shot in the dark and guessing you are out of the hospital? (internet access clue))-

I was actually going to say earlier that I was training to bike to NZ to visit JB. chicago to NZ - now that's a trip.

Now - new goal - cycling with JB in NZ.

Yeh - that text thing. crappy conversation - I was thinking after 2 months we could have done better. I had EXPECTATIONS of more. but not surprised. I held back with many of the things that I wanted to say and re-wrote every line 5 times and still ended up with that. I don't see hope.

Money - I hate money - she wants to be so independent and powerful, but needs me for the lifting yet.

Thanks for writing - always a joy to hear from you.

How are you doing - really?

[RAI]

Hi U,

I feel your pain. Weekends are so tough. I had a real difficult time with PMA today. I was not sure how I was even going to make it through the day. It's hard to even do enjoyable things when you are consumed by feelings such as ours. Seeing your post just now made me feel much better that I am not alone in this ordeal. Except for my kids being a bit younger, or sitchs are so similar. We have even arrived at the decision to move on within days of each other. Looks like we will need to lean on each other for the next while. On days like today, I can't even type fast enough. I have so many emotions to get off my chest.

Our WWs are so self centered. They can't possibly fathom how their actions affect those around them.

We made it through another day. Let's hope tomorrow is better.

Your friend,

RAI