I believe in keeping a marriage and family together but when do you know it's time to wave the white flag and give up? I know if he cheats again I have to be done with him because I can't go through that anymore. I also know if I'm going to be married my husband has to be dependable for me and our children and instead of complaining he's unhappy all the time and cheating I want somebody who actually tries to work on the marriage BC my husband tells me he doesn't know why he is unhappy he just is..that doesn't really help me much..i guess I am saying this is my last shot at this marriage
Me-30 H/STBX-32 Daughters-10,7,18 months M-9 years T-11 years A few BD's since 2011 H left-March 16,2015 H came back-June 6,2015 Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
I've scanned through your sitch, and you really have gone through a lot that would take a lot of people down.
I know you are trying to save your M, but a couple things jumped out at me. First your H has threatened to kill you if that friend you wanted to sleep with touched you. Second, you said he has also threatened you because of OW. You don't elaborate on what those threats were. At a minimum you should think what requirements/standards you will have for him before you agree to fully return to the marriage.
You have a lot of individual as well as couples issues to work on, and so does he. If it were me, those threats would have me insist that he get some specific counseling on anger and spousal abuse. Even if he says he didn't really mean it, you don't threaten to kill someone you supposedly love. That ain't love. I don't know what your health insurance situation, but some counseling for both of you seems to be in order so that you don't end up right back where you are, just two years from now.
Don't listen to anything the OW tells you about H, as it is worth less than nothing.
Keep focusing on yourself and what you want out of your life, improvements you want to make in your life regardless of what happens to your M. You don't really have any control over your H right now, and getting another focus is critical to both getting through this and increasing your chances that you have the opportunity to decide build a new marriage w/ your H should he prove himself worthy.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Don't worry about when to waive the flag just yet. Your life has moved really fast, married with kids at a young age, and without much foundation. You'll be ok, but rushing around now would just make it worse. You don't need to make a bunch more rushed life decisions. If you need to sit put for a year, put one foot in front of the other, take care of your kid, pray, and breathe...well, that's a year well spent. The urge to do something and get resolution is your enemy. Just be for a while.
No matter what you'll be ok. It will be hard emotionally, financially, and spiritually. But if you are a spiritual person I'd encourage you to pray every day. Pray for strength, pray for detachment, pray for appreciation for what you have.
True story- today a coworker had a funeral for her 14 month old. No matter how bad things are, be grateful. If you can't find appreciation in your world today, with the miracle of your life, your child, your family, and your gifts...a reconciled M won't change that.
So if you slow down, don't do anything sudden, and focus on detaching, being appreciative, and being the person you want to be (so you can look back and feel proud of how you handled it) you're on the right path. Situations will come up. You'll deal with them. You'll grow. H will do what he does. Things will play out. You'll get through. But it starts with detaching to a point that you can endure that time passing. You can do it B.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
To share a little about me...I am 35, will be 36 next month...and I think for the first time I feel like I'm a grown up. When I was in my 20's I was playing grown up. Like a captain of an army troop that had never seen battle. Now I'm dealing with leading my family through serious adversity. I have been humbled, and learned some of the true crosses that most people have to bare. I never knew that so much pain could be endured. But we can do it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Ok..will have to tell the story later but he just left us again tonight for her..for good this time BC I said I will never take him back again..sad heartbreaking story
Me-30 H/STBX-32 Daughters-10,7,18 months M-9 years T-11 years A few BD's since 2011 H left-March 16,2015 H came back-June 6,2015 Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
I will not let this break me...i am bound and determined to do the best I possibly can at everything now!
Me-30 H/STBX-32 Daughters-10,7,18 months M-9 years T-11 years A few BD's since 2011 H left-March 16,2015 H came back-June 6,2015 Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
Man..everybody is telling me they knew this would happen...:(
Me-30 H/STBX-32 Daughters-10,7,18 months M-9 years T-11 years A few BD's since 2011 H left-March 16,2015 H came back-June 6,2015 Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
Ok..will have to tell the story later but he just left us again tonight for her..for good this time BC I said I will never take him back again..sad heartbreaking story
Ok. Let's take a step back.
What are you doing for you right now? When you joined a few weeks ago, you had a list of things you were working on. Are those still intact? Or did you stop that as soon as he came back? The only way to change the dynamics of your marriage is to CHANGE. And you know what, you can do that ALL BY YOURSELF. You can't make him be happy with you, but if you identify things that you and he don't like about you and your interactions, changing them can lead to him being happy with you.
Look, you can file for divorce right this second. But that doesn't really change anything. If I waved a wand and said "you're divorced right this second" how does that change your actual interaction and relationship with him?
The only way to change is to do the work and CHANGE. I know you can do it. Your posts show that you're strong enough.
Man..everybody is telling me they knew this would happen...:(
Your friends and family are going to say the things that they think will make you feel better. That's why they are your friends. But they DONT KNOW. Until you actually love this, you just. Don't. Know.
So don't worry about what they say or think.
If you read back, I think we predicted this might happen as well. But not because "that's who he is" or "men are pigs" or whatever. But because there hasn't been enough time for anything to change. If you put the same person in the same situation, why would you expect them to act in a different way?
I believe this is pure evil...that's all I can say right this moment..i am only human and can't fight this battle..all I can do is pray and do my best for me and my girls and I'm going to the lawyer monday and hopefully this can be fixed somehow..hope its not too late..shouldn't have rushed into any of it especially telling the lawyer we reconciled and signing that paper for the lawyer to file a motion with the court to cancel everything..i had a feeling in my gut that day that I was making a mistake just like I always got feelings when something wasn't right with him or our relationship..i know I still need to type my story out but I only have a minute to type this right now
Me-30 H/STBX-32 Daughters-10,7,18 months M-9 years T-11 years A few BD's since 2011 H left-March 16,2015 H came back-June 6,2015 Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
