I have had several ups and downs early in my DB days. It's okay to be sad and despondent over this. This is a life-altering event that turns everything upside down. You have every perfect right to be angry and upset.
Be gentle with yourself.
As for the postcard, just have them written and signed by the kids. It is all about them.
Saw w this morning and said look let's settle this- what do you want? How can we settle this without lawyers. We can do this. She sat down in my office.
We looked at each other for a couple of minutes . We talked about the house and agreed we don't want to sell it and want the kids to benefit from it. I agreed and said yes.
My eyes treated up a bit and then her gaze turned into a glare and she jumped up and stalked out of my office. Her parting words were let the lawyers figure it out. She is very uncomfortable with any emotion that I have at all. I honestly don't have any control of my eyes tear up.
I tried but she is still very very angry with me. Oh well.
So sorry Heavy. Your W is not treating you nicely at all. I should probably not be mind-reading at this distance (or any distance, for that matter), but perhaps she can't bear to confront the pain and destruction that she is causing. Your tears are a sober reminder that you are human and hurting. Just keep being the best HeavyD you can be.
A friend passed this along to me today. I found it encouraging and wanted to share it with you. I hope you find it comforting.
Faith…Trust…Hope…Confidence…Love…Attitude
{1} Once all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.
That's FAITH
{2} When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her.
That's TRUST
{3} Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up.
That's HOPE
{4} We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
That's CONFIDENCE
{5} We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children.
That's LOVE
{6} On an old lady's shirt was written a sentence 'I am not 80 years old.... I am sweet 16 with 64 years experience'
That's ATTITUDE
Have a happy day,
Live your life like the six stories above!
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Heavy, I wonder if she just cant face your grief. You sitting there in distress is too much a reminder of what she has done. It reflects her actions back to her.
And as she isn't ready to face what she has done and be honest with herself about what it means, she gets angry with you. Anger normally masks other more diffucult emotions like pain.
Nice to see Eyore a little - I kinda missed him. Look after him while he's here; just dont make his visit too long now!
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
They do not like any reminder of the guilt they have buried deep in that MLC dark soul of theirs.
Heavy ... even now my MLCr has just started owning she had an affair, she can not get herself to say the words, she wrote them down over the weekend and even today during lunch we were talking and she shared that she had made friends with another woman from the weekend, they were sharing .... this woman shared that her H had an A, I asked out of curiosity what W shared (knowing how private she is this was SHOCK me if she told someone anything) .... and W said .. "You mean what I've done? Oh heavens no that's personal" .... as if this woman's admission of her H's A wasn't ... anyways ... your W is not even close to admitting to herself what she is doing/what she has done is wrong. So seeing you cry starts pulling at the morals that she has shoved deep down and refuses to listen to.
Hang in there Heavy .. its rough, not easy .. but you are doing well.
So today we talked more than in a long time. Mainly about how we divide up things. The idea was even floated that we all live together. Hmmmm.....
She talked about how I didn't own any of this mess. I just listened and nodded. She said we were good partners friends business partners co parents but we had no passion. Again I nodded and validated and said I am sorry you have felt this way.
She wants us to be a family but a divorced one ... But still a family. Again I nodded and listened and said ok. She said she never had a voice and how i only want us to live together because I want her to do all the work again... She is only a work horse in my eyes and she needs passion. She said I must know now how much work she did at the house and how I must be feeling the strain. I said I hear you,
I said I want what is best for the kids and left it at that.
Jeez - we left it as let the lawyers do their thing and we will bargain from there.
So today was a lot of listening. She thinks we will all be one happy family.
I don't know - maybe there are families who are divorced but still act like families. Maybe that's how it's done now but I am no on board with it.
The reality is that I am alone with two kids who I will co parent with. I haven't said that anymore - I don't need to justify anything anymore.
She still doesn't "get" what she has done and most likely never will. No remorse no empathy and she is angry that I am upset. She said I wear my anger like I own it and want to be a martyr. "Poor j - she was dumped, her wife had an affair, she was cheated - poor me"
Wow - I don't want to be a martyr or victim. That part has passed - now I just want to be me and not be defined by the random cruelty of the universe. W said last week some friends told her she made cruel and harsh comments and she reflected a bit and said yes, I guess I do. She can accept that from other people but not from me. She also said that she is mean to me.i asked why she was so mean and she said so she would be heard.
Sometime reading your stuff is like reading my own memories from about a year or so ago. My W was HUGE on wanting Family time but also wanting that hoe teenage rush that OM and the A supplied ... which as you understand will die out.
I juggled for a bit allowing her to cake eat (That and I $uck with a capitol S at this detachment thing) ... I am not sure if this prolonged the crisis, or allowed her to see that as a family we could be very happy (planting seeds). Its a struggle when you are torn between giving them a little of that drug they do actually look for us to provide while and ripping that safety blanket off them as I finally did over the Holidays.
All that being said ... you mentioned there was talk about living together as divorced ... so deep down in there somewhere she is processing options, sure that D is the thing where she will find happiness .... but at what costs ... in her head if she can still have her family when she decides to have it, be D, and have her hot passion .... she gets everything she wants the way she wants it. MLC Lala land is such a gem sometimes
You listening and validating .. perfect, presenting an ear that she trusts, she is sharing ... keep on the path, be the lighthouse.
