Does anyone have any input regarding the timing of telling the children? Are there any resources available - on this board or elsewhere - on how to tell the children? Are there any major mistakes to avoid? I wanted to meet with the psychologist first, but she will not be available until after July 6, which seems like a lifetime. I am worried about something happening before that. Is meeting with a psychologist beforehand recommended? Am I waiting for nothing? Should I bite the bullet and just tell the kids, with W present?
When came the time to announce it to my kids, I did two things. First, I reached out to a help line for parents in my state. Have you done some online research to see if they exist? They were fairly helpful and mostly, it felt good to have spoken to someone. The second thing I did was an Internet research. I don't recall all that I found, but it seems to be in line with what you found.
So that's how we went about it: We gathered the kids together after school and before dinner. I told the kids (3 and 6.5 at the time) that we had something very important to tell them. Then my WW announced that she was leaving. We explained that we had too many arguments but that we still loved each other — literature suggests that if you say you stop loving each other, they'll fear you'll stop loving them. Then the conversation quickly turned to logistics. D6 and I cried a little, D3 didn't understand much what was going on.
You shouldn't think that they way you announce it will have as much impact as the content of your announcement. It reminds me of when I was a teenager: I was so worried about how I'd approach a girl to go out with her. Now older, I realize that there was no phrasing that would have convinced her if she didn't like me in the first place. I see it similarly here.
By the way, I may point to the obvious, but it always surprise me the importance of reputation in your sitch. I don't think I saw anyone else here worry so much about it. I understand that you belong to a close-knit community and perhaps the rules are different there (any chance you're Hassidic?). I'm not judging, just observing in case this external perspective can be helpful to you. Perhaps you could think a little about what difference it would make in your sitch if you didn't worry as much about the reputational impact of your S. It could be a useful mental exercise to weigh the pros and cons of certain decisions, or even worries you have.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I've seen people talk about it here and there, but I don't recall any specific threads where they talked about older kids.
What I have seen is you don't want to share specific details with them, but be as honest as you can as you don't want to lie to them either. Also reassure them this has nothing to do with them and they will be fine no matter what happens.
I'm sure your older boys have realized something is going on by now anyway, so its possible they know to some degree. Kids pick up on much more than we realize.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I hear what you are saying about telling the kids that we still love each other. But I don't think I will be able to lie to my children - and it would be a big lie. I would prefer to omit the whole subject. I won't go out of my way to say that we don't love each other, but I also cannot in good faith tell them that we do. I am working on a script that may help me a bit.
I am not chassidic. And I am not worried about reputation from a religious point of view: I have pretty much the full support of my community. In fact, as I mentioned, people would like me to move faster against my W. Her actions seem to be casting a pall over our close-knit community.
As far as reputation goes, it is probably much more of an ego thing - I admit it. I just don't want someone maliciously spreading lies about me. I think that deep down I worry it can jeopardize my chances in a future relationship - by putting me on the defensive. I contributed to the breakdown of our M, but I am really not a bad person. I still pride myself on trying to do the right thing (I guess there is still a lot of "Nice Guy" in me - thanks again for the NMMNG reference) I have gone to great lengths (as you have seen in my previous posts) to protect our privacy even though every bone in my body wants to paint a scarlet letter on my WWs forehead. It bothers me that someone without scruples can willfully violate my personal matters. I don't want W or her camp spreading a narrative about me that she concocted after BD to justify her actions. Ego! get it?
thanks u-turn. That feeling that our kids our watching the family structure disintegrate (great choice of words) in front of their eyes makes my heart ache so badly. I appreciate what you are going through as I am going through it too. Let's get through it together.
Fogg, your last post is spot on with what I have been thinking. I do not want to lie. I also don't want to blame or overburden with too much information. What I worry about is:
a) giving too little information - I may not have all the details yet, but I don't want to wait until I do.
b) how to respond to their response. I don't have a clue what the kids will say.
c) making the kids feel like they have to cheer me up. It is not their responsibility to be my therapist.
a) giving too little information - I may not have all the details yet, but I don't want to wait until I do.
b) how to respond to their response. I don't have a clue what the kids will say.
c) making the kids feel like they have to cheer me up. It is not their responsibility to be my therapist.
Hello RAI,
You raised some very valid concerns. I'll answer as bst I can, I wemt thru this way back in 1999 with my XW. I am now going thru a D again but my WAW and I did not have any children togather - 3 each from our previous marriages.
a) Be very honest with them. let them know that you may not have all the details yet, but will let them know of you find anything else out.
b) If you aren't sure how to reply, simply let them know that they have a good question or point and that you'll get back to them on that.
c) Let them know that it's normal to feel sad during these circumstances, and then make sure you don't ask them for their advice/opinion on anything D-related. At times, I'm sure they will notice you looking sad, if they bring it up let them know you will be fine.
Again, others may want to add something or make other points, but I hope this is a starting point for you.
I wish you all the best!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I just realized, I never congratulated you on the Hawks win!! 3 SCs in 6 years, sounds like they are building a dynasty.
Originally Posted By: Bob723
a) Be very honest with them. let them know that you may not have all the details yet, but will let them know of you find anything else out.
Thanks for your reply. I am all about honesty. My kids know that I mean what I say and I say what I mean. It has been my practice as a parent since my eldest was born.
Until now, I was dreading telling the children, but now, I really want to just bite the bullet and do it. Once I tell the children, I may feel more comfortable telling others in my circle. I just feel like I owe it to my children to tell them first. Still, I want to do it responsibly. I think I will take Fogg's advice and wait until I have at least spoken with the psychologist. So, once again, I am in the waiting place. I hope nothing happens in the meantime.
Last night, when I was out jogging, OM drove by a number of times as I was walking to the track. I was initially not sure it was him, so I asked my jogging buddy to look in that direction to confirm - and he did. Not sure why OM is stalking me. He has what he wants already. Perhaps, my W sent him out to see what I am up to? I hope he does not have more sinister intentions. I am so sick of the paranoia.
Transplanting this to my thread for future reference. Thanks, Cadet!
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Thank you, RAI. Yes, they both have been very ill. Appreciate prayers.
You got it sandi2!
Also for RAI
Originally Posted By: Cadet
How to find a user on DB
Go up to MY STUFF Click on Watch List Click on Watched Users Click on Edit Watched Users Click on Add a user to list Type in user - "Never Give UP" Select her as a watched user. Click on her name Click on show all posts. Click on Topics __________________________________________________________________
How to find your thread
Try clicking on YOUR NAME SHOW POSTS Then at the top right it says TOPICS CREATED - click there
or
My Stuff Posts Then at the top right it says TOPICS CREATED - click there
Hey RAI, Thanks for posting on my story - How is it going after another lovely weekend?
I think I am going to quickly have to tell my kids about what's happening as I have a rumor train that is steaming through town too (I leaned on the wrong person I guess). I do not believe that it is going to be a big shocker to them, but will undoubtedly affect them in ways that I cannot even predict. It is such a shame.
W & I discussed finding a family counselor to help with this conversation and subsequent co-parenting - I am on board with any C, but it hasn't happened.
I have addressed the, kids thinking they have to cheer me up (your 3rd point up there ^^^) issue. I don't think they get it though - they just want everything to be better - they want everyone to be happy and for all this to go away.
But, it is funny how all we need is the kids to be near us - at times that is my crutch. I try not to show that to them - that they are helping me get through this.
Stay strong buddy!
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
It was a dreadful weekend, unfortunately, but it is over and I am past a major emotional hurdle of mine. With all my plans for the weekend, and it being the first with my kids after 2 weekends away - taking care of my mother who underwent surgery, I was really psyched. However,
at around 5PM I received an email from my boss about how troubled he is that I have not completed my annual self-assessment. STRIKE ONE.
I called him and gave him the meager excuse that my troubles at home (he knows rough details) have spilled into work and I missed 5 emails from his assistant asking me to complete it. It was the first time that I can recall him being disappointed in me. STRIKE TWO.
I opened up the self-evaluation tool on my computer and read some not-very-flattering resident evaluations about me. STRIKE THREE.
In panicking, and trying to begin to complete this assignment, I missed my eagerly-awaited Friday afternoon run. STRIKE FOUR.
By the time Sabbath (Friday night) arrived, I was so despondent over the events of that afternoon. It hit me that my heart is not in my work and, as much as I have been trying to keep up appearances, I am neglecting my work and cracks are showing. Weekends are tough enough, being in the same house with my WW, but this just put me over the edge. My PMA was gone. I could not concentrate on my kids like I wanted to. I tried so hard to thought-stop and cheer myself up but I could not. All I could do was blame my WW for everything. Saturday was pretty much a write off. I realized that I have keeping all the pain bottled up so I could present a happy face to my children, but that it was killing me.
Sunday began a bit better. I saw the film Inside Out (Pixar) with S13 and S11. Then I took S3 for ice cream (just the two of us) and D6 for ice cream (just the two of us). D9 is at camp.
Inside Out was fantastic (5-stars, IMHO, and I don't give it lightly). I highly recommend it for individuals in our sitch. The premise is that sadness is an essential part of life and even an essential part of joy. I bawled my eyes out. Thought I was nuts, but they don't know what I know. Very timely. I think it helped my kids for what was about to happen.
I realized that I can no longer hide from my kids what is already self-evident to them: that our M is over. I therefore decided I was going to tell kids about the D. I told my W that everyone knows already and I want the kids to hear it from me, rather than someone else. Not telling them was killing me. So, using a somewhat rehearsed script from MWD, I told the kids last night (except D9). I could not hold back any longer. S11 became hysterical but admitted that he knew that there were serious problems. S13 was eerily accepting. Probably because he did not want me to be sad, or because he saw the writing on the wall, or both. D6 became hysterical because of S11. S3 fell asleep - clearly did not get it. At one point, as hard as I tried to avoid it, I lost it and cried on D11's shoulder hysterically. Uggh. I am still going to get the kids in to see psychologist, but hopefully now we can get some sessions in before school resumes.
My thoughts: - Worst thing I ever had to do. The truth is dirty and hurts sometime, but that does not free one from the obligation to tell it. - As bad as it was, I feel like a burden has been lifted. - I am still sickened that WW actually wants this. Who would want this for their children? - I am still standing. - It would have been terrible no matter when or how I did it. - This has empowered me to proceed with D more emphatically. Clearly, WW has nothing left inside of her.
