No hugs from H but could feel his agitation in the kitchen. Yesterday, was probably when I really needed it, did not feel it. It was difficult to say just friend when H asks whom I am going with. Conversation then becomes tense and awkward.
Did not like the atmosphere in the house so will try harder today.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Your homework assignment is to read all of Train's threads. Particularly the last 3 to 4 when we all worked with her to re-attract her H. You can use the same techniques in there on your H.
I am on the second thread, already! :-)
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
He comes home from work today. Had a conversation where he says it's hard to,adipjust and how am I ? I ask H what he means and he elaborates about the situation,
H then proceeds to tell me he can not go back to our M and he likes and has Neither of us have talked about any thing regarding 'us'. I don't know if I should put up boundaries. His affection feels good and I know it would hurt and he had got used to the single life, he tells me he has no inkling to see someone else etc. and he is happy where he is at now!!!!
I thought he was trying to reconnect too. :-(
Credit card bills tells ne hie is out every inthere ought at a pub / restaurant. I did not snoop just what has come through the post.
I am not sure what I need to do. Feel my lack of enthusiasm for him reaching out to me brought us to this place.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
h came home for work and we sat in the garden, having a glass of wine and a chat, started off really well with H saying it was hard for us to adjust and I validated what he said. As the evening wore on things went worse. H tells me that if I wasn't abusive to him in the 20 years of our marriage we would had a great relationship, he said he was always besotted with me now he hates me. He tells me if I came back to the UK 2 weeks earlier he wouldn't of been able to speak to me etc.
he said I destroyed our relationship with what I did with OM. I replied did he not think that what he did with Ow helped to destroy us too. And said I would never slept With OM if he didn't sanction it. I tried so hard not to bring OW up but I was hurting so bad. He agreed and apologise and said he could never go back. he is able to live for himself for the first time and didn't need me any more to make him happy. I said we shouldn't look to each other for our happiness. He said the good times with me was very small compared to the times I was horrible and abusive to him.
He admitted he contacted OW first while I was away but he swears they are only friends and with others. Though he did wanted more but she rejected him. h said if only I knew how devastated he was for the first 8 weeks I would understand, he knew I was with OM after the first time. I tried to tell him the truth but he did not want to listen. He said he hates me so much deep inside. It's only the surface that he tries to be civil. H states he hates me because he cannot allow himself to love me again. He is only trying to be civil for the next few weeks. He said he will file for Decree absolute with the minimum of 6 weeks wait.
Ended the evening with a hug, I tried to validate how he felt all along the conversation. How did he being affectionate a few days ago, turn to this? What now?
H said he knew that was exactly what I was like when I brought up the OW. That was a big backslide. I feel like my heart has been ripped out again.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
More later. This is nowhere as bad as you think. 101 more later. This is nowhere as bad as you think. 101 Believe nothing of what you hear and half of what you see.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
I am probably too new at this to give advice, but I agree with Pyrtite above. Look back in your thread to 6/23, laying on the couch, holding hands, kiss and a hug goodnight. 48 hours ago small signs of H pursuing.
I just dont think a man who hates someone deep down and is only being "civil on the surface" does those things?
My guess is he's starting to get scared because he's feeling something, no matter how small it may be. Lashing out at you with words may be his defense mechanism to having to deal with his emotions.
You say "what now"? I say back to relaxing, LBD and those heels next chance you can find
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
OK - can't talk long, very busy at work - but - ^^^ as an objective 3rd party - this is exactly what I would expect H's script to look like. It may be calmer, more considered etc (due to 4 months later), but is exactly a post BD script.
2ndly - stop it with the excuses that he sanctioned your A. He sanctioned 1st time. the rest was for you. Own this now!! for your own sake in healing, and for your chances with H. You are NOT really validating while you are maintaining this illusion.
sorry to be harsh but you need it Dear Smoth
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Whoops...yeah, it looks like you forgot to drink your STFU smoothie.
Remember how the WAS re-writes the M's history? It's par for the course. Really pay no heed to it. I know it raises your hackles and you want to defend yourself as a really good W. I totally get that.
And said I would never slept With OM if he didn't sanction it.
Can you please explain a bit more what you mean here? Is that true? Did H really "sanction" your affair with XOM?
H states he hates me because he cannot allow himself to love me again.
H is speaking to you from a place of deep pain and fear that come from some unresolved issues. It is those emotions that are clouding his view of you and the M. Not a true reflection of you as a person.
From now and on, do not ever speak about the OW or acknowledge her at all. I know this is very hurtful. OW is nothing. An annoying gnat that you can wave off with a swish of your wrist.
Next time, you need to be firm that you will not take the blame for his A with the OW. Yeah, you would have done things differently and that you've been working on your side of the street.
You can say that you both are hurting and scared from these horrible experiences with the OW and OM. You can say that it was a very painful experience for every one. Apologize for the OM. No excuses.
Hopefully you two can find your way back together at some point.
For now, I'd pull back and let H space to walk his journey.
Let's get you back to the Validation Cheat Sheet.
I think you would want to read the Lost Art of Listening by Michael P. Nichols.
