I told her that I was not comfortable with the OM but she tells me they are just friends. Told her I am not going to be sloppy seconds. That is where we left it.
My W said the same thing until some of the truth saw the light of day. She swore up and down, on the bible, on her mother's grave, etc. Even got angry that I wouldn't believe her. Then I was presented with information to the contrary. WAWs lie. You told her where you stand. Just words. Begging for her to do what you want will get you no where and is not attractive to her. You can't tell her or beg her to do anything she doesn't want to do. That's why your words have no meaning. Actions command attention and gain respect.
Last edited by mvgfwd2; 06/24/1509:35 PM.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
Received another text from W saying that S13 had a temper tantrum and had told her he will not calm down until I am back. She has requested that I come home since I am at the best at calming him down. Told her that I would take care of him, but not sure if I am staying.
You can do a lot before leaving. Boundaries are not ultimatums. They are just things you can't allow in your life and your home. She can decide whether she wants to respect them or not. From what you said she doesn't respect them. So what can you do to gain some respect? Someone set the house alarm so it would go off when the WAW came home late. That ended that. You can cut off the internet service if that is how they are communicating. She can get her own. Same for the phone. You don't have to facilitate the A. Some have told the WAS to leave the bedroom. Etc. And why are you leaving? She is the one who should leave in my mind if it comes to that.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
The W pays for her own phone and the internet, although I could be a dick and change the password for the router
W called me on her way home to talk about her job, I just listened and validated. We have not had a real conversation like that in awhile.
Anyways came home to get my S13 calmed down and relaxed. It was like a won the super bowl the kids and the dog were jumping up and down and they were very happy to see me. W even said the dogs were extra happy that I was home.
W was drinking some wine, but I simply ignored it. She was giving me the third degree about where I really was and if I was at OW house overnight. She would not relent on this one, I simply said I was staying at my grandma's house. I thought it was kind of funny.
After I spent a good hour with the kids she told me about her job and what was going on - again I listen and validate. I am so tired that I simply chose to listen. She wanted to be intimate but I said not tonight.
For the first time in along time we had a conversation that had nothing to do with the kids or money. She asked if I would go and work out with her Thursday night and I said I would.
I did not press anything or talk about the R or OM. It was nice.
Was able to get some sleep for the first time in a few days. Pretty much kept to myself while W was relaxing before leaving. Some talk about future purchases and upcoming weekends, but I kept it short and light. She confirmed that we would be working out tonight and that she would pick me up. W has been on me to get back into working out. Figured it would provide some alone time and I always feel better when I am working out regularly.
Yesterday was the first time W talked about what was bothering her with work and her job to me without the kids in a long time. For the most part I was listening and validating. It was nice.
Like I said in my last post she was getting on me about leaving the house and not telling her where I was. Said it was a double standard. Did not respond to this b/c it is, I would be pissed off if the shoe were on the other foot.
I am living my life day by day and have to keep reassuring myself that one good day does not mean things are fixed or that a bad day means all is lost.
For the next few weeks here are my goals:
1. Keep being the best dad that I can be to my kids,
2. When W and I our at home have some space from the W,
3. Try to make some time with the W to just sit down and talk - maybe go out and grab a coffee/lunch without the kids.
None of this addresses the EA or the OM, but there is nothing I can do about that.
I'm a bit confused. I reread your first post where you said she would pay the fee for working out? Are you finances already separate? She has hers, you and yours? My opinion is that when married it's all family money. You seem to have been living separately even before all this. I don't think that is a healthy practice for a committed marriage. But that's just my opinion. My view is working together in a marriage is a full time team effort in all aspects.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I am not very good with my finances and have been known to have a few NSF fees, to minimize this I have my own checking account. However we both pay the family bills etc. and have access to each account. We have a monthly checklist of all the bills that my W has set up. My W will double check to make sure all the bills are paid b/c I have been known to slip up. We both have access to all bills etc.
You are not condoning the A by staying. Set boundaries of what you will not allow in YOUR home. Read up on boundaries. If one of your boundaries is NC with OM then state it and take action if violated. I'm not talking about controlling her but doing things you can do.
Maybe send her to the couch, or other actions you can take while in the house. Being out of the house YOU are the one inconvenienced by the A. It should be the other way. Maybe cut off the cell phone or internet access if you are the one paying for it. Let her get these herself if she's intent on maintaining contact. Why are you facilitating an A with family money?
Actions, not words. You're not saying W can't contact OM, she has to make her own decision, but if it's one of your boundaries then take action to get it out of your house.
I required complete access to all communication channels and NC with multiple people. Fortunately, my W complied and she will tell you today she is so much happier getting all those negative people out of her life. But I had to lay down my boundaries first, then after a few weeks the fog started to clear for her. It took getting the OM and other facilitators/supporters voices out of her head to make that happen.
