W texted me this morning. Wants to know when I am coming home. Told her IDK. She assumed that I want to proceed with a D. Explained the concept of an EA to her.
I guess texting is better than talking b/c I can lay out my concerns before getting side tracked.
Repeatedly told me that there never was a PA with the OM. She has yet to say I will do whatever it takes to make the R work. Not assuming she will either.
Mr Bond I don't know how to even breach the idea of a marriage contract.
Received another message from W that S13 knows that I am not in Dallas and is beside himself. Wants me to come home almost to the point of begging me.
Says I don't giver her space. Told her that I chose to stay away for awhile so she could have some space. Continues to tell me that there was no PA or EA with her friend. He is one of her sponsors at AA. Has told me that he no longer attends meetings with him, but continues to text for support. She also uses an alternate email since AA is anonymous and her email account is her full name. Although I have never seen the texts I don't believe this should change how I treat her. Sometimes I wished I snooped and looked at them. Does it make sense to snoop or does it do further damage? IDK
To me it sounds like an EA, but there is no point in arguing about it with her. In her mind they are just friends and it is pointless to convince her otherwise. To be honest she has had a lot of male work friends and I have never been threatened by them.
Ideally I did not want to come home for a few weeks but realize that with her work schedule it is not fair to put all the child care on her.
For the last few years I have been the primary care giver for the kids due to her work schedule. This has been a source of resentment for her although I have told her time and time again this is not a game and I am not keeping score, we are a team.
W has a series of medical procedures on Friday that will determine if she will be off of her feet for 12 weeks recovering from surgery. I took some time off to take her since she will not be able to drive - she was concerned that I bailed on her and I advised that I would still take her.
By now I think I have read everyone of Sandi2's posts about the WAW. I have stopped making contact and have tried to validate her feelings while we text. I realize that while I may have been doing a great deal with the kids I may have neglected spending time with the W - not that this is ever an excuse for an A.
She thinks that I am proceeding with a D. Truth be told I have never even uttered the words to her.
During the day I am trying to dig deep in my work and not think about the W. I know that I can have fun with the kids and be detached from the W.
I think the email you heard "I miss you and want you in my arms" is very clear that it is at a minimum an EA. Your wife not letting you see the emails and text messages is a big red flag. Believe nothing what she says and only half what she does. If it were me I would require full disclosure before anything else.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I should almost tell the kids that dad will be away for a while. I just don't want to cause the kids further pain. Kids with aspergers do not deal with change well. The last major change he smashed holes in the walls and did not sleep for days.
My D9 would be able to accept the fact that I an gone for a while, but with S13 it is always twice as hard and always a fight. Not making any excuses just laying out the past.
You are not condoning the A by staying. Set boundaries of what you will not allow in YOUR home. Read up on boundaries. If one of your boundaries is NC with OM then state it and take action if violated. I'm not talking about controlling her but doing things you can do.
Maybe send her to the couch, or other actions you can take while in the house. Being out of the house YOU are the one inconvenienced by the A. It should be the other way. Maybe cut off the cell phone or internet access if you are the one paying for it. Let her get these herself if she's intent on maintaining contact. Why are you facilitating an A with family money?
Actions, not words. You're not saying W can't contact OM, she has to make her own decision, but if it's one of your boundaries then take action to get it out of your house.
I required complete access to all communication channels and NC with multiple people. Fortunately, my W complied and she will tell you today she is so much happier getting all those negative people out of her life. But I had to lay down my boundaries first, then after a few weeks the fog started to clear for her. It took getting the OM and other facilitators/supporters voices out of her head to make that happen.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I think so far you are on the right path. Just understand your W is going to do all she can to be able to have both worlds .. sure she wants you home, but she is not going to admit to the EA obviously .... the line about OM being one of the sponsors ... well ""I miss you and want you in my arms." ... thats one helluva supportive sponsor ... total BS line and I would truth dart that one.
I think your boundaries are perfect but as Starsky suggested ... she needs to go full transparency, End the A, send a NC contact letter to OM.
Till then ... her mess, her choice .. she can choose the A, or choose to end it and begin to repair the M. Again ... her CHOICE not yours, you have stated what you can and can not deal with .. do not allow her to cake eat.
