Moving on, back in the UK. Now what? (Smothy 6)

[Pyrite]

If he draws away because you bring up the TRUTH, then he clearly HAS a problem. is it really worth it to be hurting yourself over HIS problems. I know you want it anyway, EVEN if it MAY NOT be real - because it feels nice and it is comforting.

Self Respect Smothy - you hit the nail on the head. I am not hearing self-respect here at all. No hurry. I dont mean to push you into anything. Just look after yourself OK. You deserve respect, from him and you. You are worthy and loveable. We'll still love you - small consolation from anonymous internet emotionally bankrupt LBSs I know, but genuine good will. Take care.

[Smothy]

I fear his behaviour and feeling is still towards D.

Maybe after 3 days in, it's too early to tell. H said yesterday it must be hard for me being here. When he says things like this I want to discuss our R. I am so mindful not to be the one bringing this up.

So asking him to put his cards on the table seems like asking h about the R in a big way. I am no closer in deciding on what is the best thing to do.

[Pyrite]

you dont want to be the one to bring up the R - why is that? Because at this point, in this bizarre situation you think that not mentioning the R in these few days between court and India this is going to turn him around?

I'm no vet, certainly dont want to contradict your DB coach, but I would be surprised if anyone concerned for your mental state would support maintaining silence in this circumstance.

[Smothy]

yes, I think that is the case. I don't want.to hear it and be reminded. To feel the hurt and pain again. My anxiety is not good when I think about these things. being pleasant and with H being affection is what I want now. I don't think H wants to bring it up either and deal with the aftermath.

I know I need to find out what is going to happen in the long run. I find D easier to deal with when I am not here, funnily enough, at the time when H served me abroad I thought it was the worst thing he could of done. I have changed a lot of my behaviours for the positive. I am still very attached though a little better than before. I have such a long way to go before I even stop caring about H.

I am not going to India now as my friend can no longer go. I will find an alternative though.

[Pyrite]

See - you know what is going on and what is right/wrong about it. Do the right thingy you Smothy. I know what pain you have been through and I hate to see this happening all over again. I can feel how tense the situation is and I can imagine that there seems to be a glimmer of hope that this will all turn around right now. I just dont want to see you hurt further.

well Smothy, If I can swing it I will go with you to India. You really should do it, I love India, so win win. . I've had a few drinks BTW So sounds like a really good idea right now.

[Smothy]

Great, let's go discover India together! :-)

Went out tonight, LBD, heels, red lippy etc. could see H wanted to ask questions. He sounded almost relieved when he found out I was driving. Told me I looked nice and to have a good time. I leaned in to give him a peck on the cheek. He seemed uncomfortable at that. However, prior to that I saw a sadness cross his face when he saw me all dolled up.

I spoke to a friend today asking why dont I want to confront H re his affectionate behaviour and D. We both came to the solution it is simply that I do not want to spend the next seven weeks in animosity. I rather have the affection and D then us being cold and distant. Also, this may give us an opportunity to reconnect.

I will see how this week pans out, and speak with DB coach next week. H has become more distant today re hugs. It could be that I was not making this easy for him today.

[Wonka]

Hiya, Smothy.

Heard your bat signal over in Huddy's thread. How can I help you here?

[Pyrite]

talk later

GREAT to see to see you Wonka!!!

Smothy - just dont get hurt please

-Py

[Wonka]

Smothy,

I've read all through this thread and do have a good general sense of your sitch.

The impression I get is that H's OW is long gone and the EA has fizzled out. Am I cold, warm, or hot here?

If the answer is "yes", then you need to act like the OW here and slowly re-attract H. Make him work for you! Let him drool over you.

This example is something you would want to improve on the next time it happens:

Went out tonight, LBD, heels, red lippy etc. could see H wanted to ask questions. He sounded almost relieved when he found out I was driving. Told me I looked nice and to have a good time. I leaned in to give him a peck on the cheek. He seemed uncomfortable at that.

Don't do that. Be mysterious. Just simply say, "I'm going out and will be back late." Then swish your hip, pivot and then leave without a backward glance. Leave him wondering what the heck you're up to! LOL.

Say absolutely nothing about D. Not a beep. Zip it.

You want to plant seeds of doubt in H's mind by being positive, upbeat, and breezy.

We all worked with Train in re-attracting her H and I am happy to report that she's now happily reconciled with her H. Train and Mr. Train are happier and stronger than ever.

When there's will, there's a way.

For inspiration, I am going to post Train's last thread here:

Train, roll on

A few posts down, you'll see that Train has linked all of her threads. It's a veritable gold mine of useful information, tips, and strategies in re-attracting a WAH.

[Pyrite]

hi Wonka,

problem HAS been that Smothy's H is the one initiating the cuddling etc and she doesn't know how to react. I have said she needs to set a boundary here - but HOW. She is worried about pushing him away, 1. wreck chances of reconnect 2. she obviously is comforted by it

so HOW to establish a boundary here?