Starting a new tread in honor of the arrival of summer solstice. I plan to use my time wisely over the next few months to work on personal growth and acceptance in myself, as well as acceptance that my marriage has ended. We shall see where the journey takes me.
I know this does not fully rest on me and I need the help of H, but one of the things that worries me is that I feel what R I currently have left with H is turning bitter and hateful for him. I know I am mind reading, but that is what I feel through his actions. I need to make sure that I stay lovingly detached. I don't want to find myself in that same space.
H and I really hardly ever fought, so the current tension that we have is very new to me. We both buried things instead of confronting, which helped to build up years of resentment. I was in the process of what I think was a 180 by trying to for once to walk into the conflict instead of running. The problem is that my H is in full run mode. With him tantruming, shutting down and raging, I am left to avoid and not engage and shut down. How to I keep the loving part in this detachment and still seem soft? It makes it feel as if all connection is gone, but maybe this is where we both need to be.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
From your previous thread: Also, I assume they can go back and forth between anger and replay? It seems he has already been in anger, but maybe anger stays in replay.
BW, my ex has consistently been in Replay and Depression since his MLC started in Nov 2007. But he dabbled with Withdrawal a couple of times, and went thru Anger a couple of times. The Anger lasted for a few months at a time, and was awful. He became full of rage and hate and spewed the most hurtful things he could think of at me.
I got the "I love you but..." during his first Anger stage in Dec 2009, and he stayed angry thru the next spring. His last Anger stage was Dec 2013, and gave me the emotional strength to drop the DBing rope all together and file for divorce.
I found the best way to handle him during these periods was to give him a LOT of space, STFU, and say "I'm sorry you feel like that" before walking away. Job taught me that, and gave me the good idea of keeping a rubber band on my wrist to snap and remind myself to shut up
I kept the love alive in my heart during the previous years by reminding myself that LOVE IS A CHOICE, and choosing to love him. And by clinging to the hope that he was going to come out of his crisis any minute. I still hope that for him now that we are divorced, but am happily moved on LOL
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Sent H a couple of texts early today on logistical matters. 1) my parents want to come visit and will need to stay in spare bedroom. Trying to confirm dates he is gone on travel. 2) We started a remodel job on bathroom last fall. It is still unfinished and now H has other priorities (A). I wanted to know if he was ok with me just hiring someone to finish. We still have all finances together, so seems appropriate to ask.
Still getting silent treatment in person and now via text. No response to texts, so I am thinking of sending a text indicating that I take his silence to mean both are ok and I then just proceeding. It I could just proceed as I want without text. Thoughts? Maybe I should not have sent texts and proceeded in the first place. Not sure what we are accomplishing by silent treatment. I think it is form of emotional abuse and I find it disrespectful.
Suggested text...
I take it by not responding to me that you are fine to give up room for week. I will go ahead and hire someone to finish bathroom.
On the good side, I am going to attend a separation and divorce support group this week. Have also set up plans with friends for a couple of nights.
Last edited by BW05; 06/24/1504:29 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I think sending another text isn't good. For one thing it just increases the amount of static he's hearing from you. For another, it strikes me as controlling (like if you won't reply, I'll interpret your silence to mean things, that will teach you to treat me this way, if you don't like that grow up and respond or I'll find other ways to force you to). You can say I'm projecting your tone...don't you think he'll do the same?
Just get it done. He wants to be silent, let your actions speak instead of your words.
It's like the joke where the husband and wife weren't talking and neither wanted to be the first to apologize or talk to the other. Husband had a flight to catch at 7AM so he left a note for his wife by her glasses after she went to sleep saying "I have a flight at 7AM, please wake me up when you get up tomorrow". He woke up and it was light out, he was too well rested...sure enough, 8AM. He was furious and then saw a note from his wife saying "wake up!"
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I did not text him, though we did have a conversation about a lot of things this morning. I tried to just listen and validate H's concerns. Below are some key points, some of what gets to your point about tone and controlling.
1) H is still really upset about my indicating to his sister that we are having problems. We had agreed to not say anything to family and he feels I went back on my word and it causes trust issues with him. Same with me telling my mom. I understand his perspective and told him as much. I do thing he is taking this to an extreme, but his feelings and perceptions are his and I can't argue if that is how he feels. He made it clear he thinks this was a very selfish on my part, but what is new?
2) The tone I am taking in speaking or texting H is causing negative perceptions. He says everything I say comes off as accusatory and negative, so this causes him to shut down and not want to interact with me. I do think this is true and is a case of me wanting to turn the knife a bit with him out of my own hurt and anger. Can you say attachment? Example, the text I sent regarding my parents upcoming visit. I said I gather you will not want to be involved with their stay, but let's me know if I am mistaken. He would have expected me to say I woulf like you to be involved with visit are you interested in doing anything? I guess this is the problem with LRT. I feel saying it that way would be pursuing. I will be more conscientious on my delivery from now on.
3) In general, he is saying the actions I am taking speak louder than words and they are not helping our situation or his perception of how our marriage could be. This is why he feels he cannot talk to me.
I am taking some of this on board and will make some changes in my behavior based on his feedback.That being said, it is very clear that he is completely unwilling to have any self reflection on his own actions right now and does not see how he up is also doing things that don't contribute to building trust. If I could not tell he was going to be receptive to what I was saying, I backed off.
The worst of it is that I did get really emotional at one point. I would not saying I was begging or pursuing, but more being vulnerable and trying to show empathy with how he felt during our M. H felt very neglected, unloved, ignored and lonely for a very long time. These are all of the emotions I feel now, so I certainly do empathize with my H. I explained this to him this morning and said I am so sorry I ever made you feel this way. Of course I was crying through out this. I also said it was hard feeling like I was losng the most important person in my life. H was affected by this and gave me a big hug. Said to stop beating myself up. Was happy my parents were coming so I would not be so lonely. I don't like that he might look at this as being all as me being weak or pathetic.
Other than the last bit, I tried to stay calm and not argue, though I think I did in a few spots. I said it is difficult to navigate this and I am sure I will make other mistakes. I am trying to listen to as much if this as possible, without taking everything on he said as truth. That is hard though.
Not my best DB moment I am sure as far as the emotion part. Hard feeling everything I do these days and prior is wrong. I know I have to detach from this and realize that part his him and where he is and not necessarily all me.
Ready for some very constructive feedback.
Last edited by BW05; 06/24/1503:14 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
That being said, it is very clear that he is completely unwilling to have any self reflection on his own actions right now and does not see how he up is also doing things that don't contribute to building trust. If I could not tell he was going to be receptive to what I was saying, I backed off.
YUP - he is right on that VICTIMS triangle - racing around and around, not figuring out that he needs to get off.
Best thing for you to do is to stay off it too, cause no good will come from chasing him round and round either.
Also, just to add that his words and facial expression clearly show anger, hurt and blame at me for a decade of unhappy marriage. But then after I show empathy, validate, and show emotion, then he tells me to stop beating myself up and he is also to blame. Yet he has shown no actions, guilt or remorse for his accountability or blame in our M. I don't get this.
I think what partially prompted this conversation is I cannot stand us not talking to each other. I despise it. I don't want things to turn hateful, but maybe more about not wanting to fully let go.
Last edited by BW05; 06/24/1503:26 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I think what partially prompted this conversation is I cannot stand us not talking to each other. I despise it. I don't want things to turn hateful, but maybe more about not wanting to fully let go.
Here is the problem with that.
Do you think he is aware of your stance or can he sense it?
