WAS or what

[Huddy]

Yes it is. If they don't agree with the WAS position they soon get moved on.

Please don't snoop. It'll onl make you even more agitated and over analytical. From experience!

[Zephyr]

All of these are baby signs so in accordance with DR I ackniwledgecsnd appreciate without putting too much stock into it.

As often I am having doubts as to how to play things. Maybe what my wife needs is more affection and deeper connection from me. Idk so I'll stick to DB. So I will keep the same plan for the moment. GAL, focus on kids, act as if friends, let it play out.

Roiste, you have taken the pressure off of your wife and it is starting to show in her behaviour. I would bet she has felt trapped or crowded over last couple of years. You are letting her be herself and not trying to control her actions...it is liberating for someone when that sort of pressure is removed. From what you've written, it sounds like what you are doing already is working so keep it up.

You have to still keep in mind that there will be regression from your wife from time to time...imperative to not let that affect you (in her eyes) ... You can vent complain whatever here but at home it dies not bother you. Great work!!!

Now for the uncomfortable friend. Some will tell you do nothing, others want this to come to a head... That will be up to you... But you have to be ready and I mean absolutely ready to set boundaries and be willing to follow through on them. Just talking to this guy will play you're hand and if there is something going on you have To be willing to go the distance and be stalwart.

I will let others help you decide which way to go because obviously I've not been able to figure that out yet either. But I will say the focus should still be on you until you are ready...snooping and mysterious tactics are just ways of keeping us from that goal...the goal of truly detaching ourselves from the control our wives have over our behaviour.

You are doing great, this is hard and you are showing the character and fortitude of a good man.

[roist]

Thanks yet again Z. I guess I can really count on you to reply when I need help.

Tbh I don't really know how my W felt over the years but I don't think it was being crowded. I was depressed and I pulled away. I felt rejected so u went cold. I realise some or a lot of my contribution to our downfall and am working in those for me and any future R. My wife said she was angry at being alone to look after everything. I am working on that too at least my part if it.

I snoop to determine if I need to take another action. I will nit share my bed if she cheats. I will kick her out of our bedroom. It kills me to think that could happen, but I will do it. Contact of om with kids will be another boundary. I am nit ready but I will do this if needs be. But before that I will be on here spilling my guts and hopefully having some vet's help too.

If a vet wants to give their tougher stance on this I will hear them out, but I am reluctant to move on this just because I am uncomfortable. All opinions welcome.

On a side note he is likely to be there tomorrow night so I will be putting in practice STFU. W could gave not invited me or we could have brought kids and then I bring them home early. But yesterday she organised for us to ho without the boys. Anyway....

As for acting mysterious, I believe if W is curious, it can do no harm. If she is thinking what am I thinking we have something to work with. But regardless of how I played it, I wanted a new nice shirt so I got one FOR ME.

I am not sure that being mysterious or other such tactics will save my marriage, but there is a logic I get from here that makes me ant to include it in my action plan.

Going to finish early,read some of my positive thinking book and then head home.

There have been other baby signs amongst the less good stuff. I am nit going to be overly enthusiastic internally and not all externally. I suppose it is as good as it has been over the last six months but the last two had degraded. Time will tell what way she goes, until then I know what I have to do...... I think.


Wishing everyone that takes the time to read my thread a good weekend.

[roist]

W wasn't in great form when I got home. One of first things she said to me was where did the shirt come from? I just said casualy I brought it. She overreacted and said she figured that out as I didn't buy it when she was with me. I calmly said when I took care of the car yesterday I went to a shop. Then I changed subject.

I have no idea if the reaction was due to me or not and I don't really care. Found it strange though.

Overall this is of no importance I suppose but she is paying attention.

[roist]

Very mixed weekend for me. Very emotional. Maybe just tired physically and emotionally. I had a hard time with my feelings. But weekend wasn't that bad.

Friday night my W was at a meeting. I had a load of stuff mostly paperwork to do, but between delays with kids etc by the time I was free I didn't feel up to doing it or anything really. I have so much to do that doing nothing bugs e. No use crying over spilt milk. If I wasn't going to be productive I decided to get an early night and some good rest. Although meeting wasn't too late I hoped to be asleep by time W came home. That didn't work out either but being awake we chatted a little when she came to bedroom. She feels comfortable enough.to chat with me as she undressed for bed. I force myself to make eye contact and concentrate on the conversation. Most nights I am reading when she comes to bed but notice from side view that most nights she turns towards bed to put on night shirt. Before it was mostly just the back she would turn towards me. Baby step.

Saturday was uneventful for most part. I wanted to start a new project but W reminded me that I had plans for Sunday afternoon so maybe not best idea to start something new esp with other stuff already started. She was right and Eben though I wanted to start the other because it was for the kids, I decided to finish another job. Felt good to finish it too.

I was stressed a bit on Saturday. Not sure why but part of it was because we were going out together Saturday night. So I put myself under pressure to ensure I had pma for that and I played different scenarios in my head about how I would interact with the uncomfortable friend.

His presence definetely tarnished the night for me, but I interacted well with everyone there and actually enjoyed myself. I had fun. W looked amazingly good too and was in great form. Whenever she got up to dance she would ask me to come. She chatted more with her friends than me but she sees them less often, but she never shut me out or ignored me fully. Yes she got on well with her male friend, yes I observed (over analysed) their every interaction. They got on just like good friends and he interacted with others much same way as with my W. Obviously my presence could have altered interactions.

The night flew by and was 4:30 by the time we got home. We (my wife, a girl friend and I) were last off dansefloor. He left a bit earlier. It is a long time since I got so involved in an evening and really enjoyed it. I did not do it to follow my W but I actually felt like it. I didn't stay glued to my W either. In some of the group dancing in lines/circles we had one arm around each other and it felt great to be having fun but the contact of my arm on her bate shoulders/back magnified everything. Openly admit to not being detached there.

So it was a great night, we had fun, but strangely this had a negative effect on my moral. Instead of being boosted, I was demoralised afterwards and on Sunday. I felt so good and it reminded me of us 20 years ago. But the piece of us that is missing is just enhanced and I realise even more what I am losing. So many times during the night I felt so comfortable I had to resist acting like before (grabbing her, hugging, kissing). I stuck with my treat her as a friend with no expectations but it felt so right to not do that. Anyway I am glad I resisted as at the end of the night just before gong to bed, I had a small slip. I told her she looked really great tonight and ninstead of leaving it at that I kissed her. Although just a quick peck and no more than our goodmorning/goodnight kisses, it felt like I was being let touch her lips as opposed to a kiss. Anyway I knew better but I slipped anyway. Not a huge thing but still.

Despite the late night I woke as usual around 6. I tried to rest for a few hours more but still got up relatively early. I busied myself in the garden and delayed breakfast a while to eat together. I didn't want this to he too late ad I wanted to go collect the boys and spend the morning with them. But then in laws wanted them to stay and spend more time with their cousin. Although not perfect for me this suited best so we all planned to eat together for lunch. Unfortunately I had GAL plans for the afternoon.... the plans I had to post phone last weekend. This was unavoidable but I preferred not cancel my plans. Still it meant not spending a lot of time with the boys on fathers day.

I was feeling low, so an afternoon conoeing on the river was great.plus we checked out the course we would cover in two weeks during an activity race, part of my GAL goals.

I got home wrecked (mostly from lack of sleep), chatted nicely for a five minutes with W and immediately played ping-pong with s7. Then showered the boys and just before eating they presented me with their drawings and stuff for fathers day. One s had not finished his at school so he gave me one that was from W, and he would give me mine next week. Not only did I get one of my favourite meals, with little extras, my W had bought me something for fathers day. I was surprised. Pleasantly surprised. I still haven't received one for Christmas but I get one for an occasion where normally it is just about the kids. I got W to take picture of me with boys a and presents etc. It is usually me that takes the photos and as such I am missing in many photos. I am now more active in ensuring I have pictures together when ever possible.

We were both tired Sunday evening, so interaction was limited, but not cold. Just before going to bed I slipped again. I thanked her for the present. But I said it was an unexpected nice surprise. Probably should not have said unexpected. Anyway not a big issue either. This was just before going yo bed. w said she'd follow me shortly. She probably watched something else or another reason but she didn't follow shortly. I didn't care and was asleep by the time she came.

Haven written all this I see so many positives to grasp at but this weekend was also one of my lowest in a while. It emphasised what I may lose and how close I am to losing it. I lost hope for a while and whereas it wasn't really a pity party it was low.

This morning I prepared my lunch for work. When my W got up she put on water, cooked two eggs and when finished she said they were to ho with my lunch. She could have just said there were eggs too if I wanted to cook them. Or she could have asked/said they were for me. But she waited until finished to tell me. I assumed she prepared them for the breakfast. Again a nice geste that she did. Maybe I need to read Chapman's five languages to see what hers is.

I am convinced she thinks she does not want to be with me. The lack fif affection etc confirm that. Her texts to others indicate that. So all these baby signs and gestes are confusing.

This morning she came on the job to give me s hand for an hour. This was at my request. When there she texted a good bit at beginning. I found that a bit rude but I was busy preparing what we were to do together. Six montgsvago my IC said my w was acting like a kid/teenager ESP regarding texts. That struck me again today. Anyway we did what was to be done, chatted a bit during and now I am here emptying my weekend.

I have more to say but nothing that can't wait. I have my lunch with eggs to eat.

[roist]

Ring update: after cleaning I put my ring back on Saturday afternoon. I am glad I took it off for the day or two. I was surprised that I did not miss it as much as I thought but I am not ready to not wear it. W wore hers Saturday night.

[roist]

[=25yearsmlc]

Great set of rules. They seem mostly to apply to LBS doing LRT. My situation is not yet there but potentially could get there.in such a case is the advice to follow all the rules anyway or can some be ignored to start with.

I disagree. I think a lot of them apply to any relationship in which one partner is heading out the door & the other wants the R to continue.

Pull back, get a grip and really dig deep within Yourself to see what, if anything needs changing IN YOU -

and follow most/all the rules til you have done YOUR work.

THEN you can reassess and decide if & when the LRT would need application but since it is THE LAST resort, by definition,

you'd do a whole lot of other approaches (see "rules") FIRST.

Make sense? [/quote]

Yes makes sense 25. Hopefully I copied this properly from sandi's thread. I only saw this reply recently as anytime I visit the rules now it is just to reread the first post.

I am working on me, but it is a work in progress. One of these days I'll discus that in more detail here. I know I come on here and talk mostly about W but it is my way of recording thoughts and venting.

[MrBond]

The problem is that if all you do is vent and complain about your W, you aren't changing. You are 50% of the problem. Did you actually read the books?

[roist]

Thank you mrB for taking the time to post in my thread. I'll post some of my working on me soon, but if you have any specific questions I would be glad to answer if that helps you help me.

I have read the books. DR is main reason I found this site and am here at all. I will be rereading it soon again though.

[MrBond]

How did you snap out of your depression?