Moving on, back in the UK. Now what? (Smothy 6)

[Smothy]

Thank you, Py and Cadet. I have read the link you sent. I do want H to pursue but as Pyrite suggested, could it be because he wants to ease his conscience? Can I broach this subject with him? I don't want to lose this small Intimacy we have as I feel this was one of our strengths in our M and can draw him back towards me.

I don't think H is with OW. I am not 100% sure. H came back much earlier than expected and cooked tea, prior to this ask me what I wanted to do. Would loved to say 'let's go out for dinner!'. H asked if I wanted to watch a film afterwards.

He is still in pain so was lying down. He made a 'nest' of cushions for me to put my head on the crook of his arm. He saw my hesitation and said it's ok if you don't want to. H reached out for my hand and spent the entire evening holding my hand. At one point stroking my fingers and reaching for my head.

I don't want to think about every move. I want to lie next to him and for him to put his arms around me without me thinking/ analysing everything. I can sense my hesitation is pulling him away and he is more awkward with me.

At bed time, H bent down and again gave me a kiss and hug goodnight. This morning H was more distant than the last two days. H asked me about my plans last night, was vague about what I was doing today. I am going to dinner with a female friend tonight. Do I let him know before he comes home? H plans on whether to have big lunch or not depending what is happening at dinner? For me telling him would just be courtesy thing.

[Huddy]

Slowly does it Smoothy. Still sounds unstable. Until he makes a commitment you have to distance a bit.

[Smothy]

so Cadet - should Smothy actively block his affections with a boundary?

I still don't know what to do re boundary. I want H to show me affection, I think it would hurt more if he was acting cold and distant. It hurt so much when he didn't want to touch me at all in any way during his EA. Part of me had thought this may happen. I know no expectations.

On the other hand, I don't want to continue if H is doing this to ease his conscience. I know I have only been back 2 days but my gut feeling is that H wants me to show him I care.

[Smothy]

If the OW is still in the picture then this is all about Cake eating.
He wants you and doesn't want you,
he wants her and doesn't want her.

Not a great way to have a relationship.

I would say that if the OW is gone then he is trying to reconnect.
However either way you need to be priority #1,
not just plan B.
Plan B will fail within time.

That is not what you want.

Maybe someone else will explain it better.

If your DB coach has other advice - then listen to him.

I can't speak to my DB coach until next week. So thank you for your advice Cadet.

I don't want to be Plan B either. I think H and OW had broken up before I came back but I do not know for sure and don't know how to find out without snooping.

I am proud of myself that he left his iPad out and I didn't touch it at all. However, I notice he took a bunch of papers that had all his passwords on.

[Smothy]

Thank you, Huddy. When you mean distance do you mean rebuff his affection? H is making the first move on this. Do you have any tips, without it looking like I am cold and distant?

I admit that I like being physically close to him. I have been craving him physically when abroad and now back in the UK.

[Pyrite]

i would say thats the definition of cake eating! Still I can understand your position. I would give my right arm to be affectionate with my W, without OM in the picture of course.

in the absence of contradiction by a higher power - i think you need to talk to him so that you KNOW where to put the boundary. You're not giving him anything. Don't say "I'm confused" and put yourself in the smaller chair. If anything say your behaviour is confusing or not consistent with D.

this has dragged for 4 years Smothy. maybe its time to take control of you and make you nd your future the most important thing here. this dance is not helping your future either way.

if he says YES, then we are onto cancelling/postponing the D and piecing. If he says no. Then we now Smothy needs to set her own boundary, to protect you and your future and not be "confused".

[Pyrite]

by definition of cake eating I mean this bit H wants me to show him I care.

where you want to put your boundary is up to you of course. but he has to know that Ding your W means this is what you're losing buddy.

no doubt if it comes to this, boundary, then he will make you out to be the bad guy. but remember and even tell him - you're the one who wants a D ...... maybe dont tell him. he will filter it out anyway i suspect.

[Pyrite]

Thank you, Huddy. When you mean distance do you mean rebuff his affection? H is making the first move on this. Do you have any tips, without it looking like I am cold and distant?

IF you tell him of the boundary then act the same in every other way. But remember Smothy, you are setting the boundary for you. Who cares what he thinks. IF he wants to start piecing that is another issue. NOT setting the boundary is not going to change his mind if he still wants D. why should he, he still gets to cuddle Smothy, he can have his cake ad eat it too.

I admit that I like being physically close to him. I have been craving him physically when abroad and now back in the UK.

Of course you do. Who amongst us wouldn't. And so long as you know this is going nowhere, it suits him obviously, if it suits you to enjoy a cuddle and then wave goodbye when he is ready, then go for it. BUT I think you need to know whether this is going nowhere or not, before you can make a stand. And you dont have to do both at once. Get your answer. sleep on it. Then tomorrow tell him.

cuddles are all nice for now, but what is good for Smothy's agenda further down the track. Dont facilitate his needs right now by sacrificing what you need moving forward.

[Huddy]

No, net rebuff, but he needs to put his cards on the table. If he doesn't want a D, he has to let you know, but as Py says, he may be cake eating, so you don't want to get hurt. Just steady.

[Smothy]

Huddy and Py, I know what you say is the right thing to do. I am scared. I am scared that he is coming towards me then if I ask him the hard questions H will draw away again. I know I must though and show my self some self respect.

I will wait as H behaviour seemed forced this morning. H was even talking about meeting me abroad later this year! I will see how the next few days pan out.

Any other opinions on this?