What ups and downs yesterday. I don't know where I am going now. I feel uncomfortable/ awkward in my own house. Lots of things happened yesterday and finding it difficult to make sense of it all.
Sorry, long post.
Firstly, H texts to say he may not pick me up as he has a bad back but DS will. I say ok and hope it feels better. He then text to tell me he has a hot water bottle on it and will try and come to the airport.
H and DS are are the airport, DS gives me flowers and hugs and kisses me. Awkward brief/ pat hug from H, he turns he face fully away from me. DS tells me the flowers were daddy's idea when we are walking back to the car.
On the way home, focussed on DS lots of chatting about his plans for the summer, kept up the PMA with questions from both DS and H about me, flight etc. Chatty but did not ask any personal questions just a general 'how is your work going?
I am sitting at the back of the car leaning in the middle to see the road, H sitting in the front, grabs my hand and really squeezes it tight and says how good it was to have me home! This lasted for 15 seconds. Continue to chat, asking me things like what did I like to eat etc when I got back, sorry the house is a mess, he couldn't tidy up because of his back. I validated what he said and had a PMA throughout.
H pours me a glass of wine when we get home and proceeds to get dinner. It is clear from his movements he is in a lot of pain. So I ask him if I can do anything, he was saying no it ok but conceded to let me get him a hot water bottle. Calls me, darling several times in our interactions and conversations.This is what he normally calls me. I did not react to it and carried on as normal. Should I say so something?
H wanted to set up my iPad with all the new changes so I give it to him, noticed later messages was open on it? He shows me something on it and without thinking went and sat next to him and was almost snuggling before I remembered and pulled away.
Moved back away and show DS and I, something on his iPad and asks me can I see from the there (the other side of the sofa.) continued together as DS has now gone to his room.
Sat on the lounge and continued to general chit chat (I had friendly neighbour, PMA on my mind the whole time). In the kitchen he gave me a big hug, held me and said how lovely it was to have me at home, we then proceeded to have dinner. Did everything we normally do, even Grace. Chatted and ate dinner as a family, no negatives, laughing, joking, etc. DS leaves the table to play the piano (something I haven't heard him do for a long a time) I had to leave the room was quite choked up.
Cleared table and stacked dishwasher (made no comment) this was one of H big complaint is my control of the way it is stacked, what to put into it. A big 180.
Feeling quite tearful now as we were acting so normal towards each other I went upstairs to have a good cry. Sobbed my heart out, heard H knock at the door but told him I was having a shower. Lost it here, after all my PMA I did not want H to hear this.
Showered came downstairs and H we continued chatting. Talked about DS most of the time. H then told me he heard me crying. He said he understood it was hard for me to do this emotionally and physically. I didn't know what to say. I just said I was feeling very tired. H was laying on the sofa at this point because of his back.
I asked him if I could have a hug and we gave each other a hug and he apologised for not hugging me at the airport properly as he had a bad back and couldn't bend down. We talked about how long I had left before I went to Shanghai, and he told me again how pleased he was I was home. We needed to sort out how to approach this, I agreed here.
Talked a little about what he got up to, he asked about me. Chatted about the challenges of working abroad. Decided to have early night. Carried his iPad and hot water bottle to his room. I have the Master bedroom. Turned to leave and he gave me another hug and held me for a little longer. Said good night, hesitation on both our parts.
After sleeping for a little while, I went downstairs to sort the post (jet lag) also 6 months of letters to sort. H comes down asks me how I am, gets a glass of water and touches me on the arm and walks out. We are both very tactile when it came to our M.
I don't know what to make of this. He was like this prior or dropping the BD on me. Do I continue with this? broach the subject of out relationship?
Last edited by Cadet; 06/30/1501:00 PM. Reason: Link
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
I'm happy to hear you made it home safe. Wow, what an interesting return home. I can understand why you were so emotional. Good you kept a PMA, it really does help.
I'm not sure what to advise about continuing to act the way you are, but I would not bring up anything about your R at the current time. He will bring it up when he's ready. Doing so now could push him away.
Good luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
H has asked me what my plans are and would I like to go out to the shops with him. I don't know whether it is a good thing to do. I went I to the front room this morning and he held his hand out for me. I took it.
It is hard to not contact when he reaches out as we have always been very tactile in our M. I don't also want to appear cold and distant.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Smothy, can you clarify a few things in your sitch (can't tell from your sig)?
-is your H still moving the D forward? When was the last time that was mentioned? -is your H still possibly in contact with OW? If not, how would you know to confirm? -has H ever apologized for that behavior?
I think the answers to these questions are critical to the right next steps. I want things to work out for you as well, but feeling like you have to gloss over what happened out of fear won't work. The opposite doesn't work either (punishing him for the pain he caused, controlling him not to do it again)...but be careful that you maintain your boundaries in regards to his behavior.
Good time for a DB coach.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I agree, will call to make an appointment tomorrow.
The D is still,moving forward. The decree nisi was read on Thurs, which means in the UK I have minimum of 6 weeks and one day to make the D absolute. The last time it was mentioned was an email to me on 27th May.
H has discussed nothing of the D but have asked me things that included the future, ie would love to visit me abroad with DS. However, he has also mentioned things that suggests no change on his plans, ie sort out arrangements for dinner with DS, go to see MIL without him.
I don't know whether he is still in contact with OW, but he tells me no, this was back in April. A credit card bill suggest dinner for two in May. I don't know with whom. He is in contact with someone as he moves out of the room when his phone buzzes etc. H has apologised for his EA in December but not for subsequent behaviour.
I crave his attention but I don't want to see this as being a doormat. Last time I spoke to a DB coach they suggested me to be open as H needs affirmation that I care.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Shenanigans for today, woke very early and crept downstairs with H shouting Good morning from spare room, looked in to say good morning and H held his hand out and patted on the bed to sit down. Had a very short conversation about coffee/ tea. Went downstairs to the kitchen and my self a coffee and took it back to my room without another word to H.
H and I went to the supermarket and he gave me a hug and a cuddle in the queue (something we used to do and called me darling several times) I took no control of the purchases etc and stood back and let him choose what to buy.
Made Sunday lunch for Father's Day. We chatted and joked like old times, H was quite teary at the dinner table and had to leave for a little while. Later in the evening he mentions this, I said I understood it was an emotional time and did he want to talk about it. H declined.
We have a corner sofa suite, after lunch H laid on one side and I on the other, our heads almost touching, H reached out for my hand and held it the entire time. We both fell asleep. Reached out for me when I moved etc, when we woke said it was very nice. I agreed with him.
Have conversation about work around the house and ask me if I want lights in certain places, I say no because we would need to sell soon. Calls his mum and gives me phone as MIL likes to speak to me. had a pleasant neutral conversation, I have not spoken to MIL since Christmas. She ask me if I still have plans to go abroad for work?
Speak of plans for the week, regarding DS. DS has plans to take H out to cinema etc and H asks me why I wasn't coming. I tell him it was DS present to take him out for Father's Day. Seems concerned I didn't want to come and then said well it is up to you. Ds came downstairs during our nap and H did not seem concerned that he saw us on the sofa holding hands.
H has gone upstairs to the bathroom now but I am sure his phone has buzzed a few times. I do not know what to do? It seems so natural for us to be tactile. There is no animosity between us. I know he wants the D to go ahead but it has not been mentioned by either of us.
H has always maintained he wants ,e in his life as a friend after D. I don't want to give him the impression that this is what it will be like. The truth is once D, I don't think I could face being friends with him.
Please Vets give me so e advice. This is not what I thought would happen at all.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
As I posted on your old thread already Smothy. still stands. We need vets to chime in here.
two things though:
1. you posted that you WANT him to back off. Why is this? Because it is hurting you while you know the D sitch hasn't changed? I think H is hurting and awkward as well, doesn't really know how to behave. It suits him to be affectionate because he gets the comfort that everything is OK, what he is doing is all OK. I can understand that you don't want to give this impression, nor should you be there to support him emotionally, certainly not at your own expense. However, to a degree I suspect you do want to show him that you are OK too.
You do need to establish a boundary though. Now. The lines are getting real blurred. Maybe Wonka or someone has an idea of how you should actually go about doing this.
The court date, followed by holding hands, this is screwed up. You're clearing his conscience and I don 't know that's what you should be doing. What are you getting out of it? Screwed up!!
Fine you were very tactile. So was my M. in the 1st few weeks following BD we also had these moments of "darling", and hugging. But they were not amidst the calm environment you are in, so short lived, and obviously wrong.
2. Friends? I sway to and fro here with my STBX. Why do you want to/ NOT want to be friends? Me - it would be better for the girls if we were friends. Better chance at R etc. NOT - because she has shown nothing but the opposite of remorse for her behaviour, and this is not a quality I look for in "friends". blah, blah, blah
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
It sounds like you had an interesting day. I feel like our friend Pyrite asked 2 very good questions. I was wondering the same things.
Please respond when you have some time. Hopefully, we can get one of the Vets like Sandi, Wonka, MrBond or Cadet to assist.
For now, just take things one step at a time. I feel like you are going to make it thru all this craziness.
*hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thank you for the prayers and hugs. I really need guidance here.
H went to bed last night came over my side of the sofa, leaned in to give me a hug and kiss goodnight (on the cheek). This morning called several times up the stairs to say he was leaving. I had been in the kitchen beforehand making coffee. Stand on stairs to say bye and walks over gives me a hug and kiss, ask if I am going to be ok. Said yes and have a good day. It seems we have slipped into (on the most part) what we were doing prior to BD so easily. I do need to stop as the lines are becoming blurred. How do I do this without creating distance? I do like that we are still tactile. I sense H wants it and misses it too.
In answer to the two questions, it was a typo error, I don't want him to back off. It confuses me though, as I find it difficult to equate this affectionate level with someone who wants a D. I find comfort in the fact he is not cold and distant, which was what I thought he would be as during his EA he would not touch me at all.
In regards to the friend thing, like you, I to and fro. I feel if we are not friends I won't hurt so much. Deep down I want to be friends as my DB coach said we need to be friends before we can even reconcile. A part of me is scared that being his friend keeps us here and he does not feel the loss of me.
This is what I need advice on, is H behaving this way because it makes him feel better about the D? What / how do I draw the boundaries. We are creating intimacy with the hand holding, is this a good thing? H said I put others first in my time/ affection, how do I 180 this and still GAL?
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Thank you for the prayers and hugs. I really need guidance here.
H went to bed last night came over my side of the sofa, leaned in to give me a hug and kiss goodnight (on the cheek). This morning called several times up the stairs to say he was leaving. I had been in the kitchen beforehand making coffee. Stand on stairs to say bye and walks over gives me a hug and kiss, ask if I am going to be ok. Said yes and have a good day. It seems we have slipped into (on the most part) what we were doing prior to BD so easily. I do need to stop as the lines are becoming blurred. How do I do this without creating distance? I do like that we are still tactile. I sense H wants it and misses it too.
semantics - but I think maybe you want to create distance, but I know what you mean. IDK what you should do. On one hand, you want to back off so that he makes the moves, but on the other - he is already doing this. To be cautious, I think he is doing this for him, to make it all seem like he is not causing a huge disaster. "See we are still hugging and friendly" and then unspoken "but I still want a D and pursue other Rs etc". BTW - after which time the tactile friendship will almost certainly stop. if only because OW will not stand for it.
In answer to the two questions, it was a typo error, I don't want him to back off. It confuses me though, as I find it difficult to equate this affectionate level with someone who wants a D. I find comfort in the fact he is not cold and distant, which was what I thought he would be as during his EA he would not touch me at all.
In regards to the friend thing, like you, I to and fro. I feel if we are not friends I won't hurt so much. Deep down I want to be friends as my DB coach said we need to be friends before we can even reconcile. A part of me is scared that being his friend keeps us here and he does not feel the loss of me.
This is what I need advice on, is H behaving this way because it makes him feel better about the D? What / how do I draw the boundaries. We are creating intimacy with the hand holding, is this a good thing? H said I put others first in my time/ affection, how do I 180 this and still GAL?
IDK what/how. sorry. I suspect it is about making him feel better, but then again this might be your ticket back in. Thats why we need a vets opinion here. Cadet et al?
maybe you should flat out ask him - what are you doing? you want a D - what are all these mixed messages? you can't fire me as your W and use me to soothe your own conscience. Definitely hold off on saying this though until you have better advice. In the meantime IDK what else you can do except what you have been. Don't initiate it, but don't turn it away either.
sorry - I don't understand your last question.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
