2 Post - learning too slowly

[MrBond]

"I've been here 2 weeks man. Believe it or not I have made progress. I'll get there."

You don't have to tell us that. But don't make a statement like that and continually ask how to detach. The only person who can get that started is YOU.

[Last]

"I've been here 2 weeks man. Believe it or not I have made progress. I'll get there."

You don't have to tell us that. But don't make a statement like that and continually ask how to detach. The only person who can get that started is YOU.

That is true. Sometimes it feels like things have always been this way. I have to remind myself that it's only been a month since the bomb dropped.

I am focusing on improving me. 180's and ending old patterns. Focusing on how to manage fear. That feeling in my stomach all those days after the bomb, FEAR. Plain and simple.

Fear of loss, fear of abandonment, fear of the unknown. It's what caused me to lash out, shut down, involve others for support, lose sleep, & stop eating. It's the fear that drives me to try and control events & the actions of others (impossible), to try and know all that is happening (impossible) by digging. The fear is the KEY.

If I can master the fear, feel it while knowing that I will be OK, that I will survive and thrive no matter what the outcome, then detachment is not nearly so difficult. I am doing much better. I have my moments. The fear is still there. It won't go away anytime soon, but I am learning to feel fear and know what is driving it. I know that I will be stronger after this. Either alone or with her, I will be stronger.

What are some things that you guys do to manage the fear?

[Matt777]

Honestly? I got a life. Of my own. I went out to meet new people, I hang out with friends, I spend better time with my kids, and so on.

I proved to myself that I can still be successful and happy without my wife in my life. Now I know I don't NEED her anymore. Sure, I want her to come back. But I don't need it anymore like I thought I would.

Once you achieve that, what's left to be afraid of? The worst has already happened.

[Last]

Honestly? I got a life. Of my own. I went out to meet new people, I hang out with friends, I spend better time with my kids, and so on.

I proved to myself that I can still be successful and happy without my wife in my life. Now I know I don't NEED her anymore. Sure, I want her to come back. But I don't need it anymore like I thought I would.

Once you achieve that, what's left to be afraid of? The worst has already happened.

That's so true. The worst is past. It only gets better from here. Thanks Matt!

[Matt777]

Honestly? I got a life. Of my own. I went out to meet new people, I hang out with friends, I spend better time with my kids, and so on.

I proved to myself that I can still be successful and happy without my wife in my life. Now I know I don't NEED her anymore. Sure, I want her to come back. But I don't need it anymore like I thought I would.

Once you achieve that, what's left to be afraid of? The worst has already happened.

That's so true. The worst is past. It only gets better from here. Thanks Matt!

To clarify, your relationship with your wife will still probably get worse. But as everything else improves and you detach and GAL, it starts to affect you less.

[Zelda09]

Last, I agree with Matt. As with the tapping, each painful thought, you identify the specific and unique pain and replace it with a loving and comforting thought for yourself.

The fear you speak of can work the same way. Isolate each fearful thought.

For example, you fear that You lost the love of your life bc you were a terrible H? (NOT TRUE) - but look at it square and accept it as something 1.you can't really know and 2. maybe fact/assume the worst instead of wrestling with it, churning the fear and hoping to find hope. I hate to say it, but almost assume the worst - fear and hope are unproductive bed buddies, their own yin and yang, right? Get rid of them both! After you accept the fact that you can't know, and your worst fears may be valid - comfort yourself as a parent would a child. If needed, you can even visualize yourself as a hurting child. "It will be ok. You are worth loving and pursuing." Forgive yourself for whatever errors you think you made, and then comfort.

I know my own head had a way of going into overdrive, where I didn't know what questions I was even trying to answer. And it helped me to slow it down, divide and conquer each concern or fear by gently telling myself that all of the things I imagine he is doing, feeling, thinking in his free time, and outside of our upcoming D, are not really my business, he and I are separate as strangers.

You gotta play counselor with yourself. Keep asking why when you get stuck. As an example, I became very upset learning my H is now blaming the accident for the M's end, and it wrecked me for a day. So, why do you feel upset about this, Z? Afraid of his truth, afraid others might believe it, indignant bc it is more blame game when he outright used me, abuse happened before accident, and then all his accident ailments went away day after D discussion, liar! and now he is leaning on the accident again...is this something he believes- or more knowing the right thing to say to the right person?, upset this is how he has to look at himself in the mirror, and even IF he did believe that, why there was no apology, even now...and THEN - So, Z, this is upsetting, but what does your H's rationalizations and stories really change in YOUR life right now or for the future, what can you do about it? Nothing!


And at every 'Nothing!' answer you can come up with, you will know you are not really as vulnerable as you thought you were. And some of that fear gets to RIP, not to surface again.

I hope this helps, Last.

[Last]

Honestly? I got a life. Of my own. I went out to meet new people, I hang out with friends, I spend better time with my kids, and so on.

I proved to myself that I can still be successful and happy without my wife in my life. Now I know I don't NEED her anymore. Sure, I want her to come back. But I don't need it anymore like I thought I would.

Once you achieve that, what's left to be afraid of? The worst has already happened.

That's so true. The worst is past. It only gets better from here. Thanks Matt!

To clarify, your relationship with your wife will still probably get worse. But as everything else improves and you detach and GAL, it starts to affect you less.

So the online affair(s) continue unabated. Tonight my wife and I watched a TV show together. About 10:30 she was abruptly exhausted. Needed to go to bed. We are in separate bedrooms. She came out of the bedroom to show me how good she looked in some new sleepwear (we discussed it, I am not guessing why she came out). Then she went to bed. An hour later she was still up and on her phone. I don't know why, but given what's been going on I would guess she is chatting with her online pals.

This greatly hurt my feelings and is illustrative of how online affairs damage relationships. She told me a story to get in the bedroom alone and then stayed up chatting.

So. What is the DB answer here?

1. Do I say plainly "When you told me you were exhausted and then stayed up on your phone for another hour or more it hurt my feelings." I will probably get a lie back won't I? "I couldn't sleep, I was texting a friend, I was looking at...."

2. Do I just say nothing and take the punch? She knows I noticed. She will be expecting me to comment. Am I not worthy of respect if I ignore it?

Option 3? Not sure what that is. But if you want to suggest another alternative I am all ears.

[asitis]

You recognize that she actually showed you her sleepware. She is trying to get a reaction out of you, either to get you jealous or to get your attention and your interest. Don't bite that hook. You don't know which it is or why.

Second, what is she getting from her online relationships? What are the characteristics of that type of relationship that is different from yours? Could it be that it doesn't have real strings attached or obligation or other aspects of the spousal relationship? It is sexy, dangerous and yet safe (not actual dealing w/ the hard work that goes into an R), is he/they requiring anything of her in exchange (M comes loaded w/ obligations)? OK, while I'm not suggesting you start doing the flirtatious ego boosting, as that would not go over well right now, you need to recognize that she is wanting some freedom from obligation and reciprocation right now. So, don't communicate to her in any way that this is something you want or expect from her. Light, friendly, banter: great given that you aren't really apart. What are you doing, I expect you to comport yourself as if you are my W, etc.: not great.

She is still focused on you in many ways. Otherwise she'd be hiding all of this from you. The behavior may be painful to watch, but it may not be a bad sign. It may be giving you lots of clues if you don't react possessively and instead set aside some of your pain to be curious about it.

[Last]

You recognize that she actually showed you her sleepware. She is trying to get a reaction out of you, either to get you jealous or to get your attention and your interest. Don't bite that hook. You don't know which it is or why.

Second, what is she getting from her online relationships? What are the characteristics of that type of relationship that is different from yours? Could it be that it doesn't have real strings attached or obligation or other aspects of the spousal relationship? It is sexy, dangerous and yet safe (not actual dealing w/ the hard work that goes into an R), is he/they requiring anything of her in exchange (M comes loaded w/ obligations)? OK, while I'm not suggesting you start doing the flirtatious ego boosting, as that would not go over well right now, you need to recognize that she is wanting some freedom from obligation and reciprocation right now. So, don't communicate to her in any way that this is something you want or expect from her. Light, friendly, banter: great given that you aren't really apart. What are you doing, I expect you to comport yourself as if you are my W, etc.: not great.

She is still focused on you in many ways. Otherwise she'd be hiding all of this from you. The behavior may be painful to watch, but it may not be a bad sign. It may be giving you lots of clues if you don't react possessively and instead set aside some of your pain to be curious about it.

Thanks for the reply. And you are right, she is still very focused on me. She has spoken of the future, talked about how things will get better, and she is interested in the guy that will result from changes that we have discussed. Before DBing we talked about issues in the marriage that led to 2+ sexless years. Prior marriage was dead on both ends.

Is this something you broach with WW? Ask these questions from a position of curiosity?

[Last]

Can someone translate this for me?

WW wife has been saying "I love you", offering kisses, and performing small acts of kindness. Talking about future plans (weeks out, not distant future), Initiating sex & cuddling sessions. These are all good signs no?

We have been spending altogether too much time together, How can you detach from someone that you are closer with now than in the 2 years before the Bomb Dropped? It seemed like she wanted these things. Until today!

Somewhat abruptly I just got: "I am feeling stifled, I need alone time." "I feel like my needs have taken a back seat to worrying about the kids and your reaction to [her online EAs]" The result? She wants more alone time, which she has already been doing. She said "And you'll think that whenever I am going in there to be alone that I am doing it to chat with guys. Well I am not! I barely do that anymore. I want to read my book or play a game on my iPad".

I will admit to some hovering. Not purposely...Ok I own my own behavior. It had to be on purpose. I think I have been hanging around out of a desire to prevent online activity through my proximity. Don't get me wrong, this is not constant, but it must stop.

So what is this? Just too much too soon? Her cake eating? An honest reaction to my clingy-ness? It seemed at the time that she was open to the contact, even invited some of it. I am backing off. Seeing if I can draw her toward me.

What else should I do here?