Tout est bien

[Sotto]

Hi BW - yes there are some similarities. My H does have a S from his first M, who lived with us part time. So he hasn't entirely missed out on being a parent. But he feels he missed out on being a full time parent.

It's ironic really that his XW was much happier for SS to spend time with us when I was on the scene. She felt he was well cared for and happy with us. H sees far less of his S now sadly.

H and I met when I was 35, and when we moved in together I was 39. I was never desperate to have kids, but I always thought I would be happy if it happened. We decided to leave it in the lap of the Gods, and stopped using any protection, but I never did become pregnant. I was happy helping raise SS though.

Without reading back, did your H become involved with a much younger OW? OW was 15 years younger than H and he mentioned (prior to A) that she wanted a family. I'm not sure whether wanting to be a full time Dad is more linked to the A (former A?) or genuine midlife regret or both.

But it is the primary reason he gave me for wanting to D. Although previously he had said it wasn't central. Anyway - enough of him! I'm just back from a very nice day out with a good friend and her S7. We had lunch out and some good laughs. I'm going away with them for a little trip at the end of July, so I'm looking forward to that

Thanks for dropping by BW xx

[Bob723]

Hi Dear Toots.

I'm so happy to hear you had a very nice day out with a good friend and her son. Yay for you...you sure deserve it! Kepp it going...

I saw you post in my thread. I did reply and, then later, I had a question for you. I already feel like I'm hi-jacking your thread, so if you have a moment, could you please read my question for you back in my thread?

Thank you!

{{{Toots}}}

[rd500]

Hi Toots. Just to say hello and I hope your having a great evening.

Take care. Rd

[Sotto]

Hi Bob and RD - thanks for dropping by. So I had a long email from H today. He said:

There's lots of practical stuff below, which he hates. He hopes I know how much he loves and values me. His L told him I don't want to 'collaborate' any more (not strictly true - I'll need to clarify this to him.) He doesn't mind, but his L has quoted over £30k for handling the case. He'll have to change L's if we're not collaborating as it's too costly. He doesn't mind how we share our money, but doesn't want to give lots to L's. He's sure we would rather spend it on houses.

His L told him that in a settlement, assets accumulated during the M are split 50/50. He worries we're going to spend lots of money getting to that position. He would be happy for us to make the calculations ourselves now and settle on that. With his first D, they wasted lots of time and money, then sorted it all out with a 20 minute phone call. He has a pile of complex business stuff, none of it worth anything, but it will take L's a long time to figure that out.

He asked if we can just work out what we were both worth when I moved in, what we are both worth now and split the difference?

He hopes I'll understand he'd like to D as he'd like to start a family in the future. It was a hard decision and he doesn't know if it is the best but he hopes I'll understand. He has struggled for a while with a kind of loneliness. He now realises it was never anything to do with being with me. But pouring himself into work and being a weekend Dad just wasn't him. He wishes he'd realised it earlier as maybe we could have made different choices.

He wants to ask if I will file for D. He'd feel awful about filing because he was at fault and doesn't feel I did anything wrong. He knows I just want a settlement, not D - but hopes I'll consider his request. He hopes I can see that although he messed things up quite a bit, he is a genuine person who has at long last realised what he wants.

**************************

Lots to process and think about for me....and I'll post some thoughts later - but if anyone has any comments or advice, I would be grateful....T

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Toots,

Sometimes divorce is part of the process of moving through this. They can get fixated on that and won't see anything else till they achieve it. What happens after the divorce is really up to both of you individually. My ex wanted it so bad and would not work with me and ended up costing us a ton of money. Three months later and she opened up that she was not happy, that things did not turn out the way she thought, that she had lost her identity as a wife and as a mother.

So my advice is dont help, but dont stand in the way of the divorce. If you can get thru it without using lawyers or at least use them as little as you can it will save you a lot of money and may even reduce the time that he is in the tunnel.let him know you are not for the divorce but won't stand in the way. where it comes to dividing stuff, unless he offers more accept the 50 - 50 as it is most likely what it will end up as anyhow.

[rd500]

Hi Toots. So sorry you got that news From what he said I still see a huge amount of confusion If you take what he says at face value then he's talking rubbish.

For now I would take a few days , process what he said and think about what Ou really want.

If H wants to D then that's his choice. Why should you file ?

Re the financial side , do your sums and see how you think the figures should work out. Re involving lawyers , I don't see how you have much choice. You have to protect yourself and H cannot be relied on

I hope the vets stop by with wise words. Take care. Rd

[Sotto]

Thanks LT and RD. I had a think today and replied to H already. I feel more amenable about the £s than about filing actually. Here's what I said.

I told him I was willing to start looking at some figures and see if we can resolve things together. I agreed it would be best to contain legal costs.

I clarified that my L suggested we "kind of collaborate" but without the meetings - due to distance and costs involved. (I didn't put this, but it may be his L is more of a 'collaboration purist' than mine.)

As for filing for D. I said I understood what he was saying & that I'll think about that and come back to him.

I wished him a happy Father's Day.

My concern about the finance is that I have little idea about his business value. I know there has been an industry down turn. Also, before he got a L, he suggested a settlement figure that my L laughed at. Hopefully he will be more realistic now. I'll see what he comes back with.

This may sound awful, but in his life insurance, we agreed what amount I would receive if he died. This may well be less than 50% of our assets now, but that amount feels 'fair' to me as it would be what I would have received had he died - and of course he couldn't have helped dying! I won't tell him any of this obviously..

As for filing, I feel more strongly about this. Yes, he may feel rotten, but it is what it is. I can accept him filing and our M coming to an end. And I don't want to 'stand in the way of his happiness and future family' as he sees it.

But can I in all conscience file if I don't want our M to come to an end? OTOH, LT may well be right and we may D anyway. And him filing on grounds of unreasonable behaviour would be a bitter pill to swallow. I guess I would rather we file on a no fault basis but that would mean waiting a year. Hmm

It was hardest reading all the stuff about he loves me and knows he messed things up (he's a much more 'loving' WAS/MLCer than some.) But that he's a genuine person who has at long last realised what he wants...(ie: not me...but I guess I knew that anyway )

Thanks Guys, T xx

[rd500]

Hi Toots. I'm not trying to see hope where there isn't any BUT he seems to be chasing a life that just isn't possible for him to achieve. My point about hope is if the life he wants isn't possible then he will come to that realisation at some point.

The grass is greener is a term that I have heard time and time again. You H still seems to be looking for that green grass. He's not a young man re kids anymore and he has a child already which didn't go according to his grand plan

Kids are fantastic and personally they make my life I do see people that are perfectly happy without kids and each to their own. Your H is chasing a dream that's biological not possible. Even if he had kids tomorrow he will be mid 60''s before the child finishes its education

My advice ( for what it's worth ) is carry on with the financials , carry on being the best Toots you can be and living your life.

H will continue down chesseless tunnels and maybe realise what he's lost if Toots is still standing then H will be a very lucky man

Toots ,your intelligence Kindness and caring come through in every post and I am constantly staggered at the stupidity of your H.

Take care. Rd. xxxx

[Sotto]

Rd, thanks so much for posting. I'm not in the best frame of mind tonight. I did go out for some GAL - aqua aerobics with a friend. So I have had some respite from my sitch.

But I do feel pretty hopeless tonight. His mind sounds so made up. And I know logically there may be hope, even though he sounds like that. But emotionally, I feel things are pretty hopeless now.

I feel he won't stop until he has a new family of his own. With whom I don't know. And I feel he wants me to make it easy on him. Help him reduce the legal fees. File for D myself because he feels rotten doing it.

It rankles that he sees himself as a 'genuine guy who messed things up but now truly knows what he wants.' I could really give him a piece of my mind tonight!

He is actually pretty nice to me, still says he feels love towards me. And I guess I should be grateful for that. Some WAS/MLCers are so mean. But I do find it frustrating..if there is still love, why can't we work on our M? Arggh!!

I'm thinking after my brief response, I'll just see what he comes back with on the financials and decide what to do. If he dicks me around with low figures, I'll just keep things with my L and we'll move forward that way.

As for filing for D. I just need to let that one absorb a little more. Thanks so much for your post. It helped me to have a friendly face dropping in tonight.

Take care RD xx

[BrightFuture]

Hi Toots, your H sounds a lot like mine when it comes to trying to be amicable and seeking your cooperation and understanding that he just decided to do the right thing for him and this is the way it is. No harm… He still loves you… But wants to start over, because it is what he thinks is best for him… Blah, blah, blah… It is like he seeking your cooperation to make him feel better about the choices he’s been making. But, what about your feelings?..

And the timing is about the same. My BD was in June 2012 and H came to me talking about D in March or April of 2013. He wanted us to go on line and figure out how to file an application for D together… I told him that he can go ahead and do it himself, mail or bring it to me and I would pass it to my lawyer. His eyes got big and he asked me if already had a lawyer... To which I said that I interviewed a few and prepared to hire one if needed. He left... I never heard word D from him since then. I contemplated a few times to file myself. So, it’s been almost 3 years since BD and he hasn’t filed for D yet. He is still looking for that greener grass on the other side, with not much success...

If I would be you, I would wait for some time to sort out all your feelings and decide what you want to do. It is always up to you to file for D, any time you want. You don’t need to rush the decision. Get the financial settlement first though, if it is possible without you filing for D. You will know when you are ready.

I know that it looks like his is pretty set on his decision right now and that there is not much hope. Time will tell… Take care of yourself and your finances for now. And don’t let him to take advantage of you and soften you up with his niceness, LOL.