Why not extend the invitation and if he wants to go, he'll go. Keep your dial on no expectations.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am following your sitch right along because last week something did shift in my H and he moved into a different "age" similar to where your H is now. He now updates me on house stuff too! So weird. I am reading all the advice you get!
Personally, I have gone with the strategy of trying hard to pattern the behavior I want to see him pattern toward me. (I think this was one of the things you also considered doing, too.)
So, with zero expectations (I think of H as house guest, not H) I invite him nonchalantly. I just say: we're going to x, if you want to come feel free to join along. I mention whatever it is (whether it's this afternoon or something in two weeks) as I am on my way out the door. I kind of don't "wait" on his answer as I noticed early on this seemed to be too much pressure for him and he waffled. I kind of do it "in passing" but very politely. Like I would invite a house guest. If it's something that requires him to answer, I just say "if you want to come let me know so I can buy you a ticket."
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
H is in training for a new position so his working hours are all over the place. So he comes homes yesterday and s15 is at friends and Im out with my friends at happy hour. H called me several times, he then called my mom, had my mom calling me, once I notice the missed calls, I call my H, he wanted to know where we were, I told him, ask him what he wanted and he said he was calling to see what was for dinner! I then later text H and tell him that my friends H hs joined up at happy hour and and asking my H if he was stopping by.
H stops by happy hour, he comes in and my friend H and my H go outside to talk for 5 secs, they come back in and H tells my friend that he brought over the DVD she ask to borrow...
My friend is puzzled, saying she did not ask for a DVD, H says oh I thought you did and handed the DVD to friends H and then my H left the happy hour, he was there for like 10 min total.
Everyone was puzzled and staring at me when H left, my friend was like did I ask you for a DVD, I said no, she said did you tell your H that I wanted a DVD so he would come here, I said NO, then my friend was like your H is acting diffrente, and she brought up the last time my H stopped into the happy hour months ago, and said he was stopping by on his way to get his medicine, but had his meds with him and ask for water to take them. My friends then had commented on how my H was dressed to come out of the house, H was dressed in his yard work clothes, and that had surprised everyone then because H is always over dressed.
So friend tells me, your H is home and he probably stopped by here to see who was here and what you were doing, so maybe you should go home. I went home and H had went and picked up s15 and gotten dinner, so we ate and watched a movie.
Now this morning, I ask H are you working today, H said no, so I ask if he wanted to go to Jazz festival, he says no "its too crowded", then he said I wanted to take you guys to drive in movie last night but you guys were not home.
I said we had no plans, and that s15 and I were both in the neighborhood and when I called him, he could have said he wanted us to go to drive in.
I feel like H is reaching out, maybe and now I'm not sure how to respond. I don't want to open myself back up now to my H, I know it's too soon, and I don't want to get back into that crazy emotional mess that I was.
Job & HaWho I will take your advice and offer invites with ZERO expectations from H.
Today, I had flash back of how it use to be H expecting me to sit around and wait until H decided what he wanted to do before I make my plans, I don't want to ever go back to that.
So as long as my friends are still planning to go to the festival I'm going with them. Unless H has plans to invite s15 and I someplace that I feel like I will have just as great a time as the festival, if not H and S15 will enjoy a father and son Saturday.
Dang, is this maybe movement into a new phase, I'm putting on my heart shield.
Oh and when H came into the happy hour he came and gave me a hug.
Last edited by 2BHappy; 07/18/1502:04 PM.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Found out yesterday that s15 has A1C levels that are in pre-diabetic range. I was very upset this disease is on both side of my family.
I talk to H first, then H calmed me down and we talked to S15 together, H did most of the talking and I was grateful that he seems to be all there, no MLC fog, very clear and very supportive.
For now we are to repair his diet, and help s15 to lose some weight, he is very active with football and has muscles but still needs to shed a few pounds. His diet is what needs a major overhaul. H told S15 we all would change our diets we all will become more active. S15 will be re-tested in 6months, but I have told s15 this is a wake up call and these changes needs to be made for life especially due to our family history.
Praying and giving this as always to GOD.
And thanked GOD my H was able to really be present and there and involved in this conversation. I was worried he would not take it seriously, tell me I was over reacting (he did ask me to NOT over react). I was worried H would be "there but not really there". So glad he put a plan in place and he lead the conversation with our son.
H right away repaired my stat bike, will repair my other bike so I can take rides with s15.
He said after football we will hire a trainer for son, all take walks, and go to the Y together.
H was really present, clear.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
H working 1shift and being home after work with s15 and I has been an adjustment for me. I found myself yesterday "picking" with H, and I feel like I'm forcing myself to NOT ignore him. Like I'm keeping my reg routine but then I feel "bad" about ignoring him. I feel like I should be helping to make him feel happy about being home with us, but s15 and I are like "ignoring" him. S15 ask yesterday "did Dad get fired and you guys are keeping this from me" I was like NO he is in training and working 1st shift. S15 looked bothered by the mere presence of his dad being home, we are both like avoiding him, running to our separate rooms after dinner.
I know this is NOT something I have to fix, and I know its based on the current situation. I do wish s15 was happy to have H home and wanting to spend time with his dad.
Just wanted to vent/post this out, it is very draining to have H home every evening, but I also wish in a way he was always home in the evening are at least weekends, but then again,,,,not with the current way our M is, not the way he ALWAYS have something NEGATIVE to say, always seems to be "barking" orders or instructions or even questions.
This is a true reminder that H working 2nd and 3rd shifts was a blessing in disguise, otherwise I don't think this MCL situation would have gone a "smoothly" as it has?
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
LMAO, did I just post that this went "smoothly" please belive that was the nicest word I could think of.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
H and S15 are going to H's hometown 2day and staying overnight. H has even said he plans to spend some time with his D32, that is something he has NOT mentioned or even tried to do in years.
I'm glad s15 and H will be spending some quality time together, and S15 will visit with some family on his dad's side.
H also declared family night last night, we all went to drive in movies and feel asleep, but we all said we had a great time. LOL
NOW I have a free unexpected weekend. Going to dinner, movies with girlfriend and trying to plan more things to fill up my weekend.
Last edited by 2BHappy; 07/25/1503:34 PM.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
S15 & H had great time visiting family and friends this weekend.
H was a lil upset that he did not get to spend time with his D32 she had plans and they were not able to meet up. I was surprised a lil that H seemed to be bothered by it, there have been times when it seem to be too draining for him to even try to connect with his D32.
Also, something else we when went to drive-in movie I was texting friends changing and making plans for weekend, H was NOT happy ask me who I was texting and ask me if I had plans for that night already,,,,I just told him I was texting my friend to change plans S15 and I had...but H was NOT happy and was trying to see my text messages. LOL
S15 will be away at at 2 day camp this week, not sure what H work schedule will be, I felt like I want to bring up our M our R, so I hope I can keep my mouth SHUT, I dont want to waste my energy at all, and I dont want to be the one who brings it up anyway...
Anniversary is coming next month, I'm planning to not even get a card for H, no gift, no card, no mention of it. If H gets me something, I don't know how I will respond...I guess just say Thank You?
Today I ask myself how much longer can I should I do this..."standing" "waiting" and my answer was I will TRY until S15 graduates from HS, which will be like OMGoodness May 2018, 3 more years,,,,WOW not sure,,,,not sure,,,
I see VERY small signs of H "trying" to come back, no idea what stage he is in.
Just feeling needy right now:(
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, The stage doesn't matter...what matters is that he is reaching out just a bit. Look at the positives and go from there.
I had to chuckle about the drive-in movie texting (yours). He was curious as to who you were texting and I wonder if he thinks you may have been texting a man. LOL!
I hope your son enjoys the camp and that you can find things to do to help you keep your mind off your relationship w/your h.
As for the anniversary, I would get a generic card to have on hand. If he does something for you and you don't have anything to share w/him, you may very well feel like a chump. Get a card...they aren't that expensive. If he gets you something, just say thank you and if you like the item tell him you do.
As for waiting...you can still stand and continue moving forward. Nothing says that you stand still.
Snap that rubber band!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
S15 off to camp, H was prepared to take him, but miscommunication or maybe H ignore me, but I took him this morning. H made sure to give him words of support before we left, which was very nice of H. I seen another glimpse of H sticking his head out of the tunnel with his words, most of the times his support comes in a tough love speech, but today it was all nice and supportive.
I don't have an issue with tough love, but it's when and how it's deliver that I notice our S15 accepts it or NOT.
I will take Job advice and have a non-mushy (almost impossible to find) anniversary card for H, got a whole month to find it:). I may even get a just in case gift for H (still debating this one)But that is all about that date, no plans to dwell on it, made decision moving on.
I have not made any GAL's YET for while s15 is at his 2 day camp, but I will probably do some deep cleaning of S15 room:). There are some things around the house I need to really spend time doing, not that I could not do them while S15 is home...
Not as focused on being home alone with H, I think he will be working 2nd shift both days:)
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
