Serve the servants: Wayward Wife & LRT (7)

[MrBond]

Def, ultimately you're going to have to do what works in your situation. Period.

The facts are that your W had you served, hasn't shown any interest in getting back together and hasn't really done anything to encourage you.

She's not concentrating on you, so you shouldn't be concentrating on her.

[Defacto]

Journaling:
Not much to report. Last night, I did a little shopping and then hit up Redbox for a movie. I texted STBX last night to talk with the kids as normal. STBX replied that she would call back in a bit because D4 was swimming. I went on with the rest of my night. STBX finally called back two hours later but I didn't answer because I was busy. She and D4 left a brief voicemail. It was good to hear D4's voice.

This morning, while at work, I must have pocket dialed STBX. She called back and I didn't answer. I decided to call her back because I missed the kids. When she answered, I explained that I missed her call but she said that I called her first. I joked about the pocket dial. I asked to talk with the kids because I missed their call last night.

It was great to talk with D4 and S1. D4 has been so affectionate with her words lately. D4 always makes me smile. Briefly joked with STBX about S1's limited vocabulary and then I wished her goodbye. Very brief call. Cordial yet detached. STBX seemed to have no interest in extending the conversation either.

It's weird. Even though I'm the one who has distanced myself, it seems to affect me sometimes when STBX makes no effort to pursue. I know I shouldn't care so much. I know it only leads to mindreading. After a few minutes, I'm usually able to reset myself. Still, I need to improve here.

Upcoming GAL plans include trivia with friends tonight, art museum or Rod Stewart impersonator on Thursday (haven't decided yet), and then I have the kids Friday through Sunday. STBX took D4 paddle boarding yesterday so I need to resist the urge to out do her in the kids activities department. However, I am considering taking the kids down to the Museum of Discovery and Science or on an airboat ride over the weekend or maybe both.

[CaliGuy]

Def

I know how you feel ... something I noticed and maybe this will help you with those feelings about detaching and wondering why they are not pursuing harder.

As you may or may not know .. I have been separated almost 2 years now .. I will tell you it feels more like 4 months to be honest. In this time I noticed the same thing you described, I would desire her to pursue when she was'nt admitting I was horrible at detaching. But more than that I noticed when she would not pursue ... was when she had S, or she was all good and doing things with OM or one of her new and many hobbies. The only time over the 2 years she did pursue was when the OM was gone or out of the picture and she found herself home alone.

Lesson of that? She pursued when she was not GALing ... it really works both ways. And when I was GALing none of it mattered much .... BUT I will not lie .. I would GAL and get home, there for the next hour or two till I went to bed I would have the internal fight you just mentioned, its not easy but you will start noticing the small changes and it will get better.

[MrBond]

"It's weird. Even though I'm the one who has distanced myself, it seems to affect me sometimes when STBX makes no effort to pursue."

Of course it's perfectly normal. You still want your family together.

"Upcoming GAL plans include trivia with friends tonight, art museum or Rod Stewart impersonator on Thursday (haven't decided yet), and then I have the kids Friday through Sunday. STBX took D4 paddle boarding yesterday so I need to resist the urge to out do her in the kids activities department. However, I am considering taking the kids down to the Museum of Discovery and Science or on an airboat ride over the weekend or maybe both.:"

Sounds great! Do both if you can. Give your kids a happy memory with you that they wouldn't get with your W.

[Ripken8]

"It's weird. Even though I'm the one who has distanced myself, it seems to affect me sometimes when STBX makes no effort to pursue. I know I shouldn't care so much. I know it only leads to mindreading. After a few minutes, I'm usually able to reset myself. Still, I need to improve here."

YES - I've noticed that too. It feels like when I go dark, she's perfectly ok with it and prefers that - all mind reading.

I'm not sure what I want in the future with my ww. A lot I need to figure out, but I'm starting to think the only thing I'm sure on is I don't want to be enemies, hate her or resent her - FOR ME, not her. I don't want to have to hold onto all of those unnecessary feelings, but still processing to hopefully get to that point.

Doesn't mean friendship or relationship, but also doesn't mean I would no longer care either. So tough to define, but have all the time in the world to do so.

[HeavyD]

I agree about the GAL comment - it works both ways. When I have the kids - W calls or texts. When she has the kids, I want to call way more than I actually do, I usually just text her and ask the kids to call me, which they do. It makes me feel guilty and that the kids may think I have forgotten about them. I call about every other day now when they are with her.

I have told the kids that whenever they want to call W they can do so, have shown them how to call her on the phone and now they can both text.

So....my fear is that they kids love her more and that I will become irrelevant. How crazy is that? I know but that is how part of me feels. When they are with me, we have a great time and I don't want to get caught up in outdoing the W with kid stuff. When they are with me, I want them to have a good time, with plenty of down time and just together time.

Such crazy emotions that run through me.

[Defacto]

Thanks for all the response and encouragement yesterday! I worked really hard to obtain a PMA and it paid off.

Journaling;

I had a slow day at work so I dipped out early to work remotely. STBX sent me a TM with a funny pic of S1 as I was driving home. I replied about an hour later with "uh oh lol." When I got home, I took a quick jog, laid out for a bit, made myself dinner, and headed out to Trivia Night. I had a good time with friends but was disappointed with our lowly 4th place result. There's always next week!

I was able to talk with the kids before I headed out. They didn't chat long because STBX took them out for ice cream and they were distracted. I joked with STBX that I was flattered they even said hi to me because it's hard to compete with ice cream. I was friendly and said goodbye. STBX did send out a couple of TMs with pictures of the kids throughout the evening. I didn't respond to these.

I took Mr. Bond's advice and had a friend snap a picture of me, which I posted to Instagram. I know STBX saw it because she "liked" it this morning.

It seems so basic but I think we all need reminding from time to time. The better your GAL is, the better your PMA and detachment is. GAL plans for tonight include a visit to a local art museum for an event AND check out a Rod Stewart impersonator afterwards. Should be interesting!

[RAI]

It seems so basic but I think we all need reminding from time to time. The better your GAL is, the better your PMA and detachment is.

So true! So true!

Now if only it some of this GAL and PMA would rub off on me. Way to go Def.

RAI

[Defacto]

RAI,
Thanks for the encouragement. I hope you have a great weekend.

Journaling:
Had a great day yesterday. Work was a breeze. After work, checked out a new exhibit at an art gallery. Afterwards, met up with some friends to see a Rod Stewart impersonator. It was magical!

Throughout the evening, STBX sent pictures of the kids via TM. I didn't respond but I alluded to the pics when I asked to speak with the kids. STBX called as they were driving home from the marine park. The kids weren't too talkative but it was still great to say hello. STBX pretty much filled me in on her day with the kids. I thanked her for taking the kids to do something special. After a few minutes, we said our goodbyes. As usual, I was casual, upbeat, and friendly.

Again, I followed Mr. Bond's advice and posted a few pictures to Instagram. Around 10pm, STBX sent a cute video TM of S1 from the marine park. I didn't reply.

This morning, STBX "likes" both of my pictures on Instagram. One of the pictures was of me with the Rod Stewart impersonator. Later that morning, sends me a financial TM but then immediately follows it with:
"And so cool you met Rod Stewart!!!! Was he cool?!"

I wait about an hour and a half and reply:
"He's a Rod Stewart impersonator :)"
and then I answer the financial question.

She immediately responds about the financial question and then sends:
"He looks just like him!!!"
I don't reply.

Not much here. Just focusing on quality, friendly, non-pursuing interactions. I'm glad I followed Mr. Bond's advice about simply documenting my new, awesome life. Doing so and the resultant positive response has done wonders for my PMA.

I'm looking forward to my weekend with the kiddos. Tonight, D4 and I will do our usual downstairs sleepover that she loves so much. Tomorrow morning, we might meet up with a friend for a play date. In the afternoon, we will head down an hour or so to a great children's museum. Sunday's plans are still undecided between an air boat ride or a trip to a local wildlife park. Either way it will be a blast. And rest assured, the grill will get fired up at least two of the nights.

It will be key for me to stay focused on the kids this weekend as STBX will be out with her friends at the beach, partying, etc. Spending time worrying about her and her plans will hurt my PMA for sure. Just need to keep the positive momentum going and take it one hour at a time.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Her girlfriend is in town but you have the kids. Might be a good time to suggest a casual meet up with the presumption that her girlfriend would want to spend a few minutes and see the kids.

Even a "I could swing by the beach on our way to Butterfly Emporium just to say hi and bring you party supplies like ice or more beer if you need it".

Then if and when you stop by....stay for a bit or not depending on the reception. In other words, if she begs you to stay, stay....otherwise you continue on with your plans. It could be as simple as pulling up and saying "hi" without even parking the car.

If you want to save your marriage you have to have contact with her from time to time or she'll just move on (and so will you).

Don't press it...mention it casually and make no indication of disappointment if she isn't receptive to it.