Would you believe that STBX had the audacity to call and leave a voicemail asking if I had been served this morning? Wow!
Unfortunately yes, I do believe it. Have you responded to her yet? I think the attitude here is 'meh'.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Thanks Matt & NDY, There is no way I am responding to STBX. Talk about emasculating! Let her call her L to find out if I got served. Or she can ask me tonight when I talk with the kids.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Well, if she does ask you I still stand by the 'meh' attitude. Good luck.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Well, if she does ask you I still stand by the 'meh' attitude. Good luck.
I would not adopt the 'meh' attitude.
I will steal one from Starsky and go with the "Yes, its not what I would have wanted but I will be fine regardless... head high.. you will not break me nor my PMA type attitude"
Get it to your L and continue building yourself into the man you want to be ... this will not define you.
"It's the most devastating piece of mail I have ever received. I'm heartbroken today. I really didn't think you would do this to us. I thought there was nothing that [your first name{ and [her first name] could' t overcome together. I'll be OK but I don't think it's very nice of you to be trying to console me over this. I just need some space. I'll see you sunday."
Sunday you should be great. Happy. Kind. Nice. Attentive. Be the 180 of what she'd expect. Let HER feel guilty and beat herself up but you don't do that at all. You aren't standoffish BUT if she wants to "talk" on Sunday you just say "unless you are telling me you are dropping the divorce and coming home, I'd really appreciate it we could NOT have this conversation on Father's Day. I've already had a rough week. Then go back to having fun and being engaging...even with her.
"telling me you are dropping the divorce and coming home" does' t me you are willing to DISCUSS her feelings about MAYBE dropping it and MAYBE working things out....it's either Yes or No. Because you aren't there to try to talk her into it staying married to you. She either wants to or not on Sunday (because it's father's day and you just got served divorce papers). Come next week, i'd rather you had any conversation with her she wants to have. Active listening with calm detached questioning.
As far as the divorce being amicable. That's great. Nothing worse than getting blindsided by the typical divorce petition that starts out really hostile. I strongly urge you to respond in 21 days with a more aggressive filing at least requesting primary custody of the children. The point isn't to get primary but to file for it and make her fear the consequences of her choices. She'll get angry....which is good for her. You'll say "I don't do divorce, my attorney handles it and I told him/her to do whatever they feel is best and leave you out of it to the largest extent possible. I had no idea he/she was going to do that...I'll have to speak with him/her". You can and probably will negotiate down later IF the case even proceeds. But recall...the path to intimacy is through conflict. By filing aggressively you get to say this is NOT OK. It's not fair I have to give up 50% of my time with my children when YOU choose to break your vows. You get to say that YOU are the better parent and she's not fully thinking of what this will do to your children. You can also tell her that your attorney believes that children, especially young children are better off in primary custody with their fathers and he/she told you that that is the way the courts are going these days more and more. Single mothers with children have a difficult time juggling life, bills, boyfriends and children. I'm not knocking single moms who usually do a tremendous job but generally men that want primary custody tend and fight for it, all other things being somewhat equal, tend to do a better job of raising children.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
You can also tell her that your attorney believes that children, especially young children are better off in primary custody with their fathers and he/she told you that that is the way the courts are going these days more and more. Single mothers with children have a difficult time juggling life, bills, boyfriends and children. I'm not knocking single moms who usually do a tremendous job but generally men that want primary custody tend and fight for it, all other things being somewhat equal, tend to do a better job of raising children.
Wouldn't this affect the outcome if hes trying to get her back? or even backfire with the courts?
I just FaceTimed with STBX and the kiddos. Everything was normal. I chatted with and about the kids. Near the end of the call, STBX asked if I got the papers. I replied that I had. She asked if I was ok. I said something like, "Yeah, I'm fine. I mean, this isn't what I wanted to happen but I'll be ok regardless."
Then, I talked a little bit more with the kids. I began to say my goodbyes when STBX turned the phone towards her, started to get a little emotional, and said, "I really do love you. There's nothing I regret."
I just kind of stared at her for a moment, smiled, and wished her a good night. She said the same and I disconnected the call.
I didn't really want to prolong the call, nor did I want to pour it on so STBX would feel guilt. I don't think any amount of guilt will repair a broken marriage. Plus, I'm not devestated, at least not today. I've been preparing for this day for months.
Now, on to a night of GAL'ing!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Journaling: Had a good night. Met up with some friends for to watch another Beatles cover band. They were horrible. Then, a buddy of mine from work joined me for a few drinks at a couple of different spots. It felt good to be out and check out some different places.
While I was out, STBX called and sent three TMs. I didn't answer or reply. The first TM was a video of the kids dancing. She sent the next TMs two hours later.
"I wish we could be ok." "I'm heartbroken."
I'm not going to try and mindread. It just seems a bit ironic based on the current sitch.
Currently enjoying a cup of coffee on the patio. I'm excited about the possibilities for today because they are all mine! I might do a little hiking on a trail I've been wanting to check out. Tonight, I have my philosophy discussion group which is always a fulfilling activity. I might fill up the afternoon with errands and chores around the house. Have a great weekend everybody and happy Father's Day!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
It's gotta be tough getting texts like that. It's hard for me to imagine how I could react - though I realize this isn't the first time your W has sent messages like these. My W has not showed an ounce of remorse or sadness since 5/5. Just completely resolute that D is coming.
