In which I'm feeling lost, but will perservere

[Elly4]

Hi Asitis! You've asked some good questions which I love as it makes me think more. I'll try to answer them for you.

1."do you and your H have any agreement or understanding regarding other people at this point?"
We have talked about this and agreed that neither one of us would want a significant other in our child's life at this point. I actually brought it up again last night to see if we were both on the same page still. He stated that no she was a platonic friend and we had agreed on not exposing our son to dating lives.

2. Lack of people IRL. Unfortunately, that's true. I live in a very rural area, so don't see many new people. I talk to some friends at some times, but they are not always available to chat when I'm in crisis, like my H has always been. We are both introverts so we have been very much each other's emotional stability. I agree that is part of my H's problem. Of course, I have tried to fix that on my part, but my H did not until BD. I think I stated recently on here and it is certainly something I think about daily lately, but it's really hard to find a new best friend.

Thank you for the support, and I totally agree that some of what's going on for me is what is triggering my H's issues. My IC also believes because my H's dad left when he was 5, that our son's age is also contributing to the problem as my H probably has this subthinking going on about dads leaving around this age.

[Elly4]

Thanks, BW! I was glad to read your post as I thought that too. I'm so sorry that your H was so defensive and argumentative. It does seem to confirm something doesn't it. I can't believe some of the semantics that our spouses will argue about. Every time I think I've detached from his craziness, a new level appears. It's like a video game!

I've been reading your sitch and hope to be caught up soon as I think there are a lot of similarities in our situations.

Have a good night,
E

[Bob723]

Hi Eirinn,

Just stoppped by to say "Hello!" and that I'm thinking about you.

Keep moving forward.

{{{Eirinn}}}

[Elly4]

LOL Bob! I just finished posting on your thread.

[Bob723]

I see you JUST posted in my thread. Wow!

We must've been posting in each other's at the same time.

Thanks for the kind words.

Bob

[Elly4]

What do you think of my first boundary that I set?

[Bob723]

Well Eirinn, I think you handled it well. You have a right to know who's in your house while your D is there. I would want to know if I were in your shoes. (P.S. That would look pretty funny, wouldn't it? Me in your shoes? Ha!)

I believe your H got the message, so you must've done a good job! I think the manner you handled yourself really helped, too. By that I mean it sounds like you did not let your emotions take over. Wow, I need to take lessons from you.

Try to have a good evening E. I'll say a prayer for you tonight.

*Hugs* *Hugs*

"Brother Bob"

[teach3]

Good job Eirinn setting up a boundary. I would have been upset with the situation too.I like what Bob said not letting your emotions take over. That is so important and for me still so hard!

[asitis]

I think I stated recently on here and it is certainly something I think about daily lately, but it's really hard to find a new best friend.

I'm glad you are trying to attend to finding new friends. You don't need a new best friend. You need friends. See if there are activities that you would like and get into those. The friends will follow. I tend not to form close friends, but I've got a lot of people I can talk to. They are far from best friends, but they are a support network. That is the key. A best friend right now would likely get overwhelmed by being a crutch. You need to spread the wealth out a bit/cast the nets wide.

They don't have to be local either. Do you have any old friends that you've drifted from and don't live near you. Now is a time to reach out. If it feels awkward to do so, you have a good excuse that you realized you became over focused on your H and neglected friends and have been given the gift of being freed from that by your H and you want to take advantage of that. So, you aren't turning to them because you need them (which would be a turn off), but you have an opportunity and learned a lesson and don't want to squander those by not reaching out.

[PigPen]

I think it's also fair for you to have warning if there's ever going to be a woman in your house that you're not familiar with. That would be basic respect to me. Then you don't have to worry about what the relationship is because you didn't just walk in and what do you know, there's a woman you've never met sitting on your couch!

In the day of texting and cell phones, it's not hard to say, "Having Suzy from the office over to talk marketing tonight, just wanted to give you a head's up."

Sounds like you handled it perfectly and to give your H credit (since a lot of this forum is venting about our spouses), he handled it well too.

Good work, that's one more positive penny in the jar.

PP