What's next?

[CaliGuy]

Totally Agree^^^

Be a man .. step up and own what you did with the kids and the M .... but then again they are in such a fog logic falls on deaf ears.

[BrightFuture]

Hey, Cali, I was going to say the same about MLCer’s deaf ears… And Mighty also mentioned that she thinks that no matter what she says, it is just not going to get through him and hww. Well, in this case should we try a reversed phycology, LOL. I need to think about how to put it work though...

[Wonka]

Deaf or not, he can read....you know.

[CaliGuy]

I think the do have deaf ears but sometimes it seems like words spoken can be seeds, I have seen it with mine .. might be months later but all the sudden she would say something and I think ... Huh .. that one took and sprouted ... not often but can happen.

I do sense in Mighty's sitch her H does feel something .. may never show it nor say it (Again .. seems PAR for MLC) he wants some sort of connection with his kids, out of guilt, selfisness ... who knows .. but he does attempt to reach out towards them which I think is a good thing .... granted ... the fool does not realize he is grasping for a hornets nest and seems oblivious to the pain he caused ... once he is truley remorseful maybe there is a chance for him with his kids .. I dunno .. thats alot of hurt and alot of pain.

[Mighty]

Hi guys. In parking lot... Just left ic. Great session. Feel good. You guys have such great input and I so appreciate the support. You have no idea.

I have to reread when I get home and not on my phone.

Yes, xh does reach out to kids. He wants a r with them. He has really tried since he found out HWW was pregnant. That was a def wake up call for him. Before that he was thinking he was living it up. Reality check. He didn't want another kid, and I think it made him yearn for his old family. But, he hadn't gone far enough through mlc. I had a feeling it was premature, but hoped we could.... Whatever.

Anyway, he felt tremendous guilt for bringing this child into this sitch, once he saw her. Understandable, but innocent babies... Teens who will have to deal.

The thing is, he has ALWAYS wanted things on his terms. ALWAYS. And I went along with it. He is used to t. And when things don't go his way, he bullies his way. With everything. And he makes choices and expects everyone to deal with it and go along bc he said. That's typical... Pre mlc. And now it is only excerbated. He changed his mind again and assumes everyone will go along. When they have an opinion or feeling, blame....? Well, me! You know, bc I have always appeased him. Now that I don't tell his lies and manipulation a to the kids, it's my fault.

Bottom line.

I don't think saying anything will do any goo, the more I think about it. In fact, right when things were going down, round 2, I called him out. I said to the kids we need to address something, and asked them point blank what I say about their dad (in front of him). They told him I always told funny family stories. We didn't talk about him, really, outside of that, and clarified that I don't talk poorly about him. It was an opportunity we had, all together, for clarification. I was tired of him putting that on the kids. But, now, it's only worse. I know it will do no good.

Ok, gotta my journey home. You guys are saving me.... Again!

Xo.
Gonna jam to silver sun pickups! Love " lazy eye"! My jam.

[123Gwen]

Mighty-

I think your intuition is correct - whatever you say to him will do no good. Don't put anymore energy into your dealings with XH. DETACH --- if you need to clarify something with your children then talk with them. You don't need to bash their father or dwell on the past but right now all your energy and focus should be on the people in your family. XH opted out of your family and his relationship with his D is completely between them. Of course, as D's mother you'll make yourself available to support her and clarify the facts if she is given wrong info. -- Bottom line is the kids know what the real deal is and no amount of deflecting is going to alter that. You do not need to waste anymore of your time or effort on this man. Let him implode. Let him screech about you to his D. In the end the truth will set you free.

You have been so strong and classy in the face of enormous struggles. You should be proud to have survived everything. You have earned the right to let him act irrational while you and your children go about your life. Let HWW have him because you don't want to give this guy one more second of your time or energy.

[uRworthy]

Hey sweetie. Love that post from 123Gwen. Im sorry your xh is being an as$. Here's the thing..who cares if he blames you? You know your truth, so does your daughter.

You want to know why he is blaming you? Because it cant be him. If its him then what will he do? They cant handle that. So, they lashes out.

M, you keep having expectations where he is concerned. That will only hurt you. You expect him to act like a normal person and he isnt.

He did what he did. You cant undo it. You are getting hung up on words from someone who is not of sound mind. In his head, it didnt work out between you.

I dont agree with sending him anything. He cant hear it now. You will just be spinning your wheels.

You need to be there for your kids. You need to let go of him and her. They dont hold any weight in our life any longer.

Do not allow either of them to control your headspace.

Be Mighty.

[beatrice]

Mighy - I agree with URworthy - responding only fuels the fires in my experience

He will not read it and think 'Gosh darn she has a point, and a good one' He will react and build another layer of defences. AND it will show him he is getting to you (which is part of all of this, believe me).

Our blank apparent indifference is the only way we can deal them when they are in this mad stage of Replay (not a great fan of stages in terms of time line, but it is useful for dealing with them in emotional terms)

Polite when they play nice, otherwise, ignore completely. Dealing with us, demonizing us, takes their focus of them and their miserable sitch.

Cali is right about planting seeds, but this isn't the soil, yet.

And kml and WOnka are right in that it is perfectly OK to put your point of view. And it is a great response But we are not dealing with people who are currently rational in any way shape or form. Sadly.

[Lifes Twists]

I agree that now is not the time to respond or send a note. If he was at a point where he was receptive to it then yes it might open his eyes a bit. Not right now. My experience with my exW is that when she was in the full blown fog bank nothing could get through. She would be even more angry and nasty if I said or pointed something out or even just defended myself. Right now your dealing with a nasty little fly that keeps buzzing you while you are doing your own thing. You just need to keep swooshing it away and hope it finds something else to bother.

[LoisB]

Mighty,

He just doesn't speak your language right now. Period.

I mean you could send him a strongly worded letter, but...??? All that energy will go into the letter and D14 will be the one who won't get that energy.

I can remember feeling so angry with my mother each time she focused everything on one of her crazy husbands and I was hurting. I needed her, but she was busy handling the crazy of some man.

I see the value in standing up for yourself. But, the divorce is in place. He's obviously not dealing with a full deck and what's the point?

Maybe that's why the Walmart incident was so important for you? You stood up for yourself by speaking a language THEY understood.

You didn't get all grown up and adult on their a$$, you spoke trailer trash and they heard you :-)

I'm pretty sure, on some deep level, he knows he's an a$$ and he knows he did wrong...but, he isn't willing to DO anything about it...so he blames you.

I unloaded on my MLC dad, like D14. I had many occasions where I poured out my heart and it was like talking to a rock.

I wish my mom had communicated the value of those outpourings to me. I wish someone had said,"You know what? That's amazingly brave of you to keep trying. To keep telling him how you feel even though you have been beaten down and blown off over and over."

Maybe the two you, together, can use this particular incident to figure out how to be angry, how to let it out, how to unload those feelings and hurt in a way which is healthy, but doesn't involved setting either of you up for more beatings?

I strongly believe people hear what we say even if we don't say it to them in words. Not to sound kooky, but with people we have a connection with...tell it to a tree and if you speak from the heart...they will get it on some level. IDK.