Thanks, bea. So upsetting that you can't even rationalize with a person you spent more than half of your life with.
I guess I have been no contact so much, I lose sight of their crazy. Good thing is, I have been focused on myself. Again, I have to remember to program myself for encounters which may occur.
I don't get carried away anymore by contact, but it's still not fun. Just want to carry on unphased.
I don't want to fight at all! I am Sooo ready to move on to the next part of my life. I have finally LET GO! And now I become the bad guy.
Moving on is knowing I can't control it. The past week, I have felt SOMETHING was going to happen. Another shoe to drop. I know it was too good. This isn't a setback, really. But.... I don't know.
I anticipate graduation next weekend will be another round. S18 says xh does not have a choice to attend. "He's not going."
I'm sad such an important day is being tarnished with this.
As always I follow you and your sitch ... and as usual everyone is spot on with thier comments
Just wanted to share ... for a moment lets put what your H and HWW have done aside ... looking at this from a detached perspective, not where that hurt and pain still resides.
Your H is trying to work on some sort of r with your D, granted D might be Lil-Mighty ... she is lashing out with that same pain and frustration I think you might feel is just you, well H devastated more than just Mighty, S and D also are dealing with the abandonment and dealing with it and him in their own way ... to me D is going about it as you would .... not your circus not your monkeys ... that's H's issue, its one hell of a bridge dude will have to try to rebuild if he truly wants to be in her life at any level.
^^^That being said ... and where is is ... typical and MUCH easier to say its all your fault than to truly own up to what he did. Facts are facts, feelings are feelings ... on paper ... dude up and left his family to run off with another woman, had a small window of opportunity there but still chose door #3 ... that's on him Mighty ... HIS choice, I know hww is a manipulator but the end of the day if H is going to drink poison ... he drinks the poison ... again ... his choice, his crisis, his $hitshow to live in.
I can only tell you that I feel for you and all you have been through, the pain and hurt is not fair ... no one person should have been put through what you have had to go through ... however for your kids ... stop giving your H and hww the power, take those reigns and enjoy that graduation, its a HUGE deal and you are there .. the rock .. celebrate the fact you get to be there for S and shed a happy tear as he is moving onto the next chapter in his life
Mighty - although normally I would not recommend that you engage with your ex in any way, this might be an occasion for a short, blunt communication, something along these lines:
"Dear Ex - It has come to my attention that you are attempting to blame D's attitude towards you on my interference. Rest assured that I do NOT badmouth you to the kids and have NOT tried to obstruct your relationship with them (in fact, you may remember, when you first left, that I encouraged you to see them more as they were feeling abandoned by you).
Unfortunately, it is the facts of the case - you fathering a child with another woman, lying about it, coming home and getting their hopes up only to leave again - AND your lack of consideration of THEIR feelings that has resulted in their current attitudes towards you, NOT anything that I (haven't) said to them.
If you want to repair your relationships with them, you will need to do it by putting THEIR feelings first, not forcing them into a relationship with your new family, making them a priority, and recognizing that it will take a lot of time and patience on your part for them to learn to trust you again. I sincerely hope that you can do that. You will not achieve that by falsely implying that I am the cause of your bad relationship with them.
That's one hellva truth bazooka from Ellie and I really like her suggested email a lot! Unleash it on EXH and let the chips fall.....you know what I'm getting at here.
It is. It getting better. Hopefully I can pass it up as a bad day (everything else is good) as far as xh. I think it is a good idea, Ellie, to say something. And I love what you put.
Xh sent something to d14 today. She read it to me like 100mph. It was something like,
Im sorry, I'm not perfect. I'm sorry you feel you weren't good enough. Like I said, it didn't work out with me and your mom. You and s18 mean everything to me. So you have to work with me. I'm sorry I'm not in love with your mom, but I love you very much.
I am pissed he keeps saying it didn't work out. He never even had a discussion with me. Either time. I feel like he is saying, your mom is worthless. I threw her out, but j love you and you need to accept and be part of my life. I threw your mom out, so don't take it personally. Let's hang out.
Soooo... He's not in love with me so it's ok to throw me out and start a new family? Leave me in total chaos? We haven t had a kitchen sink in 2 months for crying out loud. Or, a stove or oven for like 3 months! No insulation in the kitchen for 3 winters and we live in buffalo! That's not even the tip of it.
Ok, we know it [censored], but I still find myself frustrated that he makes excuses, deflects, disrespects, and is so incredibly hurtful. I mean, seriously...
He seems to be getting WORSE! Is that normal? Is it going to continue like this forever! I leave him alone! I have since he moved out thanksgiving weekend 2013.
Why is he getting worse? What is happening and what can I do? I want to be left alone! He is such a jerk!
Ellie, I had written a few things down today. I used to do that a lot, but not send them. I will definitely think about this. I have ic tonight. Thank God. Still struggling though....
Btw, Cali.... That caught me off guard, lil mighty. Oh man, is that a bad thing? Am I doing this all wrong? I am so frustrated. As much as I grow, heal, move on... I am not dealing w xh much anymore. So when I do, it brings up a lot of emotions.
Will that ever go away?
I know it will take time, but am I hurting my kids now? I put so much focus on biting my lip and stfu w them, I don't know....
And at the same time I see manipulation tactics- which are wrong. And I would never, ever allow my kids to be sucked in by hww's evil way. They are not going to drink that poision. (Great analogy, cali).
Poor d14, all of her communication w him is so intense. I asked her if she wants to talk w anyone, and she is like, no way! She says she is fine, and she is doing well, but it worries me.
She said she talks to her friends and she is good.
I worry about long term affects. She know I talk with someone. And s18 used to. Plus I know the kids talk.
Xh sent something to d14 today. She read it to me like 100mph. It was something like,
Im sorry, I'm not perfect. I'm sorry you feel you weren't good enough. Like I said, it didn't work out with me and your mom. You and s18 mean everything to me. So you have to work with me. I'm sorry I'm not in love with your mom, but I love you very much.
He is being insincere, dishonest, and disingenuous with these comments. I do think you really need to take your power back and put your foot down on his nonsense by sending that email Ellie pulled together. That will accomplish a few things:
-you aren't putting up with his revisionist POV -you aren't putting up with his childish slanders against you -you clearly spell out your position -you clearly show him that R with the kids is HIS responsibility -demonstrate that he needs to take ownership for the fractured R's w/ kids
Mighty ... I only bring that up because I recently noticed my S8 handle a situation exactly as I would have ... during this Hurricane we found ourselves in sometimes we lose sight of the kids, sure we protect them and do what we can to minimize the damage done to them as we in a sense become human shields ....LBS will take the brunt of crazy from the MLCr just to try to keep some sense of normalcy in the household.
That being given, the kids are smart, they too are connected to the family unit, so when there is a disturbance they feel it as we do, they watch us, and the MLCr and see how we handle things ... try as we might ... its hard to play this game of poker with a total straight face ... they pick up on the tells, they see how we handle things and in turn that's where they are learning to deal with their issues.
I am not sure if those emotions ever go away .. I too am dealing with them, they are straight from the core emotional place .. where the deep hurt lives .. its a tough one to 'get over'
As far as the kids getting sucked in .. they see it, they lived it .. they are plenty old enough, I trust they are even more cautious than you are ... he is their father, hopefully he can figure things out and atleast be that for them ... but again ... not your circus not your monkeys ... you can not control any of that ... its all on them.
Oh, pleeease… “It didn’t work out…”, “not in love”. All these excuses are such a script. It sounds like he painted himself into the corner and now is trying very hard to convince himself and everybody else that it didn’t work out. How did he expect to work it out? When he came back trying to patch the things with you, did he expect you to jump into his arms with the joy, forget all the hurtful things he did, be ok with him sneaking out to see hww, etc.? And does he expect his kids to be ok with the whole thing, just because he says he loves them, disregarding the fact the he hurt their Mom?
Mighty, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I think, it can get even worse. He can get worse. I think that feels trapped and desperately trying to find an exit. But all he is doing now is digging himself deeper in the hole.
I like the idea of telling to leave you out of this and stop repeating this nonsense that it didn’t work out. This is not an excuse for hurting you and the kids.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
