Turns out... things aren't so great with my dad. Not sure what to do at this point. Sad. Disappointed. Aggravated.
I feel badly for my mom. She is a strong woman, but does not deserve this. And I love my dad. I have compassion for him. But, I just wish it weren't so difficult.
Xh texted d14 this afternoon again and asked her to go see his mom. It appeared that he was less aggressive with d14. He is seriously like a child.
Anyway, she said she was sorry, but couldn't go bc she was going to a dance recital. He asked if it was hers.
Mighty, I am very sorry to read about your dad. Do you know what prompted him to fall off the wagon? Did something stressful happen? Your mother will figure out what she needs to do and she will support your dad in whatever way she can. The only thing you can do is be supportive in your dad getting the necessary help to get him back on track. He's the only one that can do something about his illness.
Your xh has got a real issue w/your D14 not wanting to go w/him to his mother's house. He doesn't get it that she 1) may not wish to go there; 2) she's got her own busy life to lead; and 3) she doesn't need to tell him if it's her dance recital or not...what matters is that she wants to attend.
He is facing some of the consequences for his actions and he doesn't get it...his children have lives and do not want to spend time w/him when he wants them to do so. He's going to have to work around their schedules a bit this summer (or so it seems).
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I suspect thing got really difficult for my dad when xh left, which was right after my mom was battleing breast cancer. My dad and xh were very close. My dad was xh's father figure. My father was closer to xh then he was with my brothers!
They haven't spoken since Thanksgiving 2013. I know my dad tried to reach out to him a few times that winter. He was ignored. (I didn't know that until months later.)
My father is no longer working at his job. He still writes, but that is out of his home. He does woodwork jobs out of the home too.
But, I think he may suffer from some depression. I don't know. He's an old-school guy. He's a great guy.
Also, he is in a small country club to golf. I think there is a lot of drinking that goes on there, and he is around it a lot when golfing. It really the only social thing he does, out side of that, he pretty much stays in his barn doing things.
So, I don't know that it is something specific, or a culmination of things. I think there was a little dabbling going on around bd time. I think he may have pulled back, but now...
It's out of my hands. I don't even know if he is still drinking at this point, but he gets in moods where you don't know what's going on. So, I will just stay clear of that for now.
Anyway... yeah, xh will have to work around d14's sched. I think she looks for things to avoid seeing him, honestly. And... there's a lot of things "he doesn't get"!
Last summer the kids barley saw him, so this is nothing new. My kids were 12 & 16 when this all started. I think he still thinks they are the same age. He has missed soooo much. He has no idea what s18 is even doing next year. He does not know what activities they are in. He has no idea. He has missed a huge gap of their childhood. For what? It's pathetic.
He can blame me all he wants for his issues. It's not going to make his issues any better. He's so clueless. And as long as he has someone confirming to him that it is me... it will never change. She doesn't care. She does not want my kids around. She has never made any effort at all. Nothing. Hasn't even seen d14, and s18 once for a second. She bad mouths my kids, and she does not know them. Said, "They will be fine." and left it at that. The line to xh, "Don't let them ruin what we have here." When he was sad about the distance in his r with his kids. Nice.
And... yup... its my fault.
Why did I even go there today? Well, at least its with much less emotion. I'm still good.
Mighty, Sounds like your dad may think he lost a really good friend when your xh went off to OZ. I can see where he would get depressed. As for the country club...yep, some of them do a lot of social drinking there. I do hope your dad can get back on track for his sake as well as for his wife and family.
Yep, your xh still thinks of the children being right where he left them when he landed in OZ. They don't realize how much time as gone by, nor do they always remember the ages of the children. It's very sad because he's lot so much in the way of life events and spending quality time w/them while they are still young adults. It's something he'll never be able to get back or have a "do over".
You sound good and I hope that things have settled down for you a bit. You've had some rocky rides and you and the children, both, need a smoother road for a while. I hope everything falls into place for your home renovations.
Might, be kind to yourself. Carve out some "me" time and do something special for yourself every once in a while. You need this in order to recharge your batteries.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, job. I appreciate it very, very much. Excellent description and perspective.
Unfortunately, he got to me tonight. I am pretty ticked off. Not like I used to be, but he can still get to me. And because it's my kid... it makes me nauseous.
I don't know the full extent, but all I need to know to be so disgusted.
Xh texted d14 and asked her to be honest, why is she distant. She said something along the lines of:
Because you got some ho pregnant and left us, lied and said you were coming back and left us again.
He told her that he has already told her that that it didn't work out with him and me. And she needs to move forward.
They went back and forth, but I'm not totally sure what was said. D14 let loose, that's what I know. Didn't have many nice things to say, but in it, was expressing the hurt of how he left us, pretty much high and dry, for a different family.
xh's comment... "Those sound like your mom's words."
Seriously.
Pissed.
Then he said something about, "your crazy mom"
I have bit my tongue... I have walked away... I have tried to be neutral... I have defended that baby, and even hww's first illegitimate child,
The r between xh and the kids FIRST started going sour when hww started controlling xh... before we even knew about her. She dictated how and when he saw the kids. And, he allowed it.
I talked to him then about it.. how he was handling things with the kids... and it was affecting the r.
That was the beginning. When he told the kids about his sitch, they flipped. I wasn't there. He acknowledged to them how messed up it was the first time.
So how is this all my fault?
OK, so now he has something on me. I'm crazy. OK. Whatever. I'd say human. Hurt. You know, running into the selfish, entitled skank who encouraged the demise of my family, had an affair with my h, got pregnant by my h, and spread a std, which I had to take time off from work for surgery, disrespected my children, and threw temper tantrums when my children's father spent time with his kids, and sorry if I said, "What up, homewrecker." I mean, that's the worst thing I could have done, supposedly.
And I am a bad guy. I'm crazy. OK, uR. They have something on me now.
I don't really care about all that. And I know it sounds ridiculous...
but the thing is... I am so over it at this point. I don't care anymore. I know he doesn't know that. And he probably wouldn't believe it. It's much easier to make me be crazy, insane, and pining for him... looking for revenge, which is why their life is so crazy... because of me. Yeah, right.
I don't wish him ill will. I really don't. I just want him out of my life. I don't want to have to deal with anything with him.
Why is he so angry with me? Why am I such a bad guy? How does he all of a sudden become even more delusional. I mean, he expressed so well how he realized how messed up it was, how she is clueless, and how he understands why I was upset... and that it would make anyone crazy. But, really? He totally has NO loyalty towards me at all now. What changed that? Here I am... in his head? I guess it is just so hard to believe....
Ignoring him for the past few months was probably frustrating to him. So, after Wall-gate... easy-peasy... good way to deflect.
Anyway, after this went down and d14 told me, I was soooo tempted to call him. To set it straight. That he needs to stop saying "it didn't work out" bc that is a lame cop-out. And that is the beginning... to tired to even continue with what I WANTED to say... but knew it was moot.
But I think what still gets to me these days is the fact that MY marriage was discussed between them. That they decided for our divorce. She pushed it. He filed. And, yet, that discussion was never had between my husband and me. My r was decided and discussed between them. It is just so disrespectful.
That's actually something I had thought about a few hours before all of this today... how badly they disrespected me. And that... I think I allowed him to... I think I, for sure, would have stood up to anyone who would disrespect me. Except him. I don't think I felt worthy of it, or valued myself enough. But who is he? What does he truly have to offer me? I will never give him power over me again. Wow, I'm taking, now, my earlier thoughts, and what happened w d14 and making them into something more.
I want to say to him, farewell... I don't wish him bad things. That I am not concerned about his choices anymore. (He really needs to get over himself.) But, I know he won't even hear that.
I just cant carry anymore of this. It is to much. To weighing. Too negative.
I had a really good afternoon, before that. And I would love to share that instead. I will not let him diminish those things for me anymore.
I heard d14 telling s18 about it when s18 got home from work. S18 said (while reading the text aloud), "Oh, 'I'm sorry you feel I lied to you,' so he isn't sorry for actually lying to you. He can't just say, 'I'm sorry I lied.'"
Ok, so I'm going to continue to carry on and do my thing. I'm not going to let it bring me down. But, I know that there will be some thoughts surfacing about what I feel I should say to xh. That I'm not that concerned about him anymore and he needs to get over it. Even in a nice way. But, I know it will go unheard. But it will be on my mind, I just know it.
I'm sorry you're hurting for D14. I know it's painfully unfair. You just received another ugly glimpse of where his head is at.
It helps me to gain some perspective when that injustice ball gets rolling in my head... Googling narcissism on psych c. or the old resource posts on here. It helps me to recalibrate by refreshing my memory about where his head is at... The reality of his head space. Just seeing how far out there he is, it helps me by validating the insanity and putting things into perspective.
Your ex sounds like a very angry, immature teen who feels the need to blame you to a teenage girl who is pouring her heart out. That's the harsh reality of who he is today.
Pull away from the temptation to focus on the insanity of what he is saying about you...a bunch of gassy blow designed to draw attention away from his own self-created chaos.
Focus instead on D14 who opened herself up, only to get bludgeoned again. She needs the calm, loving, steady Mighty. She's already got one wackadoo dad :-(
I support your plan of action. No good will come of his choices. They just won't.
Last edited by LoisB; 06/17/1503:53 AM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Still a little disheartened by yesterday. Frustrated I've now officially become the bad guy. Even during monster, there wasn't much finger pointing. Just mean as heck. Why I'm getting it now? Who knows?
I feel compelled to tell him to set me free as I have set him free, but I know it will be pointless. My words are comprehended to no avail.
I can't do much about how he feels... Nothing, really.
I will let this go... But I know it will be a bit of a process.
Mighty - get this tattooed on your forehead (backwards so you can see it in the mirror) 'This is not about me'
What your xh is doing is classic, word for word. I am also the reason that my xh doesn't have a relationsihp, not only with his children, but (where married) their wives and families, and our old friends.
He had me go to a therapist for my craziness (I did go along but that was for me) and so on.
I have come to see that this is projection, projection and projection. With a little encouragement from OW/new friends.
It is hard, but there is nothing to defend yourself from - it isn't true, and the reality is your xh knows this deep down. But he is in a crazy place, and can't look at himself.
So we become public enemy number 1. So convenient. It is right up there with 'round up the usual suspects' in Casablanca,
