Thanks v. I love reading your posts. They mean a lot to me. I survived the day and let my anger propel me forward rather than staying stuck. I stayed dark. And it got easier as the day went on. I'm making plans. I got tickets to see a matinee next weekend. I'm going alone but through a meetup group so the price was better than it would be. I'm excited and nervous to do it. Before marriage and kids I loved going to the theater but it isn't his thing, and Broadway has gotten so expensive it was hard to justify the cost. I also made plans to take surf lessons with my sister this summer. I developed a fear of waves sometime in my early teens, as a kid I was a fish and loved getting Thrown around in waves. Then all of a sudden I got skiddish. So what better way to reinvent myself then to overcome that fear.
I still have no idea if I will have my job come june. But I'm not so worried about it anymore. If I have it--great! I'll have to work over the summer but it will be a shorter day. So I can still do my surfing. If I don't have my job--something else will come along. And I will get my summer pay and apply for unemployment. And look for a new job. I will move out as soon as legally advisable and stay with my parents until I can get back on my feet. I am going to move on and rihht now the only people I need to care about is myself, my kids, and my dog. He can drop off the face of the earth with whatever old hag he chooses.
I messed up today and sent him a picture that made me think of him. I didn't think before I sent and by the time I caught myself it was too late. Oh well. I don't care. It over whether I sent it or not so why do I care.
But unfortunately it got me focused on them again instead of me. I had a pretty good day today at work. Left a message for the lawyer to make an appointment.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/22/1510:49 AM. Reason: Links
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
The show is "it shoulda been you" by the same people who did kinky boots. I missed that one last month. Another option was jersey boys, but that doesn't appeal to me as much. I'm going to do everything and snythjbg I want to do as long as the focus is on what is best for me and the kids, rather than focusing on what is bad and uncomfortable for them. It's really hard to be that mature, though. Even at 40.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Spoke to the principal today about my planning. She had some concerns, the same ones that I am having a hard time with. I discussed what some of my challenges were. She asked me what I would want if I had a magic wand. I gave her some suggestions, but thinking of having to keep doing this amount of work for another year even is not appealing to me in the slightest--Of course I didn't let on. I am willing to continue to do the best I can until the ship sinks. But at the same time I need to take care of myself. I keep losing weight, even though I stopped trying months ago. People keep making comments about how I need to stop. I know they are coming from a place of concern, and honestly I think I look better 5 pounds heavier. I just have no time to eat, and no appetite to remind me to.
I know it is all stress related. Home stress. Work stress. Everyone is looking at me like I am a fragile mess. I'm sure my coworkers think it is because I can't handle my job. And I'm sure my H and OW think it is because I am so hung up on him and unraveling due to losing control over that situation. And I guess it is kind of both.
When I tell veteran teachers (not coworkers) how I alternate between wanting to quit and loving my job they all say, "yep, that pretty much sums up the first year". So part of me thinks that maybe it will get better and I will start to enjoy it. That is what is keeping me from throwing in the towel. But another part of me thinks that in this particular assignment that won't happen. More students are being added to the class in the summer, one of them with very challenging behaviors. I like working with behaviors, but i like it better when that is my focus, not when I have to plan lessons and assessments and teach, and manage the room, and delegate to assistants all at the same time.
Anyway, the P told me she still wasn't sure what was going to happen. I told her I understand and I am prepared for whatever ends up happening. But that I was optimistic. She said that she is starting to move slightly in that direction but she isn't quite there yet.
My anxiety has been pretty high all day and didn't go away after the meeting, but I don't know if the anxiety is from fear of losing my job, or fear of having to do this for another year. I made an appointment to see my GP. I am out of the meds I got from the ER and I want to have a full checkup. The problem is the only appointment they could give me is before school lets out. I don't know if I should take a 1/2 day (which I have plenty of) or if I should just try to leave 30 minutes early to save the stress of leaving my class for a full 1/2 day. I'm also going to have to meet with my lawyer. I really hope we can make late afternoon or early evening appointments because with my job on the line I really don't want to be taking too many days.
As it is I feel sick to my stomach about how many hours I am going to have to spend away from my planning because of my theater plans this weekend. But there has to be a balance, right?
I also talked to my L. We are waiting to see if he really filed. I told her that my feeling have changed about what I am willing to sacrifice for the sake of peace. I want what I deserve.
Last edited by mustardseed; 04/22/1501:40 AM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Thinking back over our last conversation that turned nasty. One thing he said that he hadn't said before is that I don't inspire him. I'm guessing that's his way of blaming me for his failures. At least what he views as his failures. I'm just curious about how a wife who inspires would behave? I think I always followed his lead or went my own way when he didn't want to lead. We never really had discussions about things. Thkngs just happened and we accepted them. I'm wondering if I am the type of woman who [censored] the ambition out of a man. I wanted security and stability. I think he might have wanted something more exciting. When I met him he was in politics. The uncertainty of that career path made me nervous although I always supported him. He left on his own when we started a family and the person he worked for didn't get re-elected. I think part of him misses that life style. I would hate to be a politicians wife. Maybe that is what was wrong. We both wanted very different things and both thought we were giving the other what they wanted but both ended up feeling unsatisfied. Maybe we really were just completely wrong for each other.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
He's just throwing [cr@p] at the wall and hoping something sticks. Don't take it personally.
Now you don't have to believe that with every fiber of your being for it to start to take effect, you just have to have faith the size of a...
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
He's just throwing [cr@p] at the wall and hoping something sticks. Don't take it personally.
Now you don't have to believe that with every fiber of your being for it to start to take effect, you just have to have faith the size of a...
-PM
That mustard seed of faith has been very hard to find lately.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I have a dear friend whose husband is very interested in politics. They aren't financially in a position where he can run himself at the moment but they both know it's a long-term goal of his and they have established specific steps to getting him to that point. She has anxieties about it too but they are close and they play to one another's strengths. She didn't "inspire" him to make those goals or to work towards them. He set them himself, discussed it with her extensively, and they can to some agreements about what she would and could contribute. It was very mutual.
Your H feels the lack in himself and is shifting it on to you because that's easier than solving that lack himself. Be awesome for yourself. That's pretty inspiring.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thank you for that maybell. My self esteem is really suffering right now. I'm not proud of my behavior. I am in this place where im just wanting to check out of everything. Not forever but just until I feel ok again. There is not one part of my life that feels right at this point.
The more insecure I feel about things at work the more I want to cling to him. I am purely fear motivated right now and that's not good. I'm struggling to break the cycle. I also feel like everyone is against me. And this kind of paranoia is new to me. The odd thing is that he has been feeling this way for a few years now. I'm kind of understanding where he was coming from back then. And I feel bad expecting him to just snap out of it. I am realizing this is something I need help to snap out of. I have a dr appointment this afternoon.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
